"Doc, Give my Pain a Purpose" by K. A. Campbell

A Poem by PastorKAC

A poem from the heart of the chronically and invisibly ill.

I just wanted to let this out: My doctor needs to go back to school.

What's up with all of these Old School, old mindset and proud doctors who won’t listen to us? Trust me; I have better things to do with my time than lay around the house in excruciating pain, forgetting my thoughts before they even make it out of my mouth.

Yeah Doc, it's all in my mind...when I make the most wonderful plans with my family and I can't go because I get "too sick", or I had to miss my sons pre-K graduation because I was so pained and fatigued I couldn't muster up enough strength to even get out of the bed to take a shower.

Sure, doc it's all in my head when I can't make love to my husband the way and when I want too. What in the world is wrong with these doctors? Yes I know medication can be dangerous and dependent, yes I know that already...do you think I chose this for myself.

Sure doc, I love taking the time to conjure all these symptoms up just to miss work, which I love, when I'm the only one in my home working; my husband is disabled and we have three children to take care of. All I know is how to work. Sure I love not making my almost sixteen dollars an hour right here at Christmas and having no choice but to trust God to cover all our bills.

Doc, this disease you don't understand, and the pain you question has been the reason our cable has been cut off, I can't pay my credit card payments, twice our water has been cut off, invoices roll in and I just put them in the wait till tax time pile, give them to Jesus, and lay the burden at His feet. Sure, my pain not real, it's all a chemical imbalance you say.

Don't you realize Doc that I am seeing you because I need relief for a real condition? I'm sorry your blood tests don't show it, that I'm not running a temperature and that your medical school forgot to tell you that other medical issues are out there, even ones you may not understand.

I'm sorry that natural supplements didn't work, acupuncture is against my faith, and massage only lasts for a moment. I'm sorry you have to use your license to write me another script for Tramadol and muscle relaxers after I felt like I argued my case in court and you were my judge and jury.

I'm sorry you couldn't classify me a "drug-seeker" knowing that I came to you so I wouldn't have to take the Norco, or Percocet's that really work good because I don't want to use them unless I have too.

I'm sorry that I refused "meditation" therapy because I don't believe in meditation. Do you know how many times I've been told it's all in my head? Do you know how many times I've tried to ignore it and wish it away?

Have you ever tried to meditate or even pray while your body stabbed and pierced your nerves with shooting pain, or you felt grinding pain throughout all your organs and muscles, while your muscles ached as if you had ran a marathon without any training, at the same time feeling as if you had a case of a permanent flu, chronic fatigue, anxiety, depression, and exhaustion.

God knows I love the Lord Jesus with all my heart and soul, but Doc do you know how much I pray and ask God to take away my affliction. You see doc you're not Him. You can't heal me completely, only He can. And whether He chooses to do it in this life or the next I know I am healed, but for now doc, can you please just allow Him to use you, your wonderful mind, and your ability to practice medicine.

Just please I beg you and pray, while I hurt, please just let Him use you to help me manage my pain. Listen to me carefully, I know you don't understand because you don't feel the pain that I feel, you don't get so tired that you spend days in the bed. I understand that you don't understand.

But all I'm asking is that you listen to me, believe in me, let me teach you about this disease that's very real, painful, stressful, frustrating, and confusing to not only me but my family. Listen closely doc, because I'm hurting, and I'm not asking you to heal me, just help me manage.

Help me manage until there is a cure, better medications, better understanding. Help me manage my pain, and trust me, you will grow as a doctor, you'll learn from my pain; my pain will teach you how to help others and then at least my pain will have a purpose to this world.

Doc, don’t let me hurt for no reason, run tests on me, take blood work, do research, and let me help you. Please doc, believe me, try to understand it's not all in my head, that I can't meditate or think it away....use my pain doc, to prevent others from experiencing what I am.

Give me my control back by yielding this disease into your hands doc, trusting you to trust me; treat me, use my experience to treat others.

At least in this I have a say and a reason to go through the hell I have to go through. Then I'll feel in control again, I'll feel like a champion, a fighter, a giver. Let my pain contribute something positive to this world doc. Please stop ignoring me, trying to convince me it's not real, trying to heal only what God can. Give my pain a purpose, a mission, let me hurt with purpose doc…. Don't let me hurt without a reason doc.

Doc, Give my pain a purpose. Help me manage my pain. Learn from my pain.