Striving To Be Number 1

Story about the dangers of obsessiveness

Striving To Be Number 1

By K.A. Mulenga

For as long as he could remember Trevor wanted to be the best. He wanted to be number one no matter what it took. In his mind second only meant first loser. Runner up was not in his vocabulary.

Trevor was born into a family of winners. His father was a decorated soldier and a seasoned politician after that. His mother was a stage actress who had won countless awards. Even his paternal and maternal grandparents were famous for one thing or another so when he started school and realized he was brilliant athlete, the pressure was on!

It all began in Grade 1. Trevor was 6 years old and it was the annual sports day. This was a day about fun and not about competitiveness at all. Well, that’s what the principal and all the teachers said. That is what all the parents discussed as they chatted amongst themselves. Not Trevor. In his 6 year old mind his goal was to leave his fellow runners in the dust. His dad was the best, he thought to himself, his mum was the best, so were his grand dad and grand mum. That meant he had to be the best!

Runners take your marks….ready, set, go! Parents cheered on, teachers clapped their hand with joy. Trevor had tunnel vision and could not hear the cheering and clapping, the only sound he could hear was the trampling of his feet on the grass and the trampling of his fellow runners behind him. Trevor won by a mile. He had done it! From that day on he vowed to himself to never lose another race again. His parents were so happy and he figured that his winning was the reason for this.

Fast forward to the senior high school track meet. Trevor had broken all the records in his age group from Grade 2 all the way up to Grade 12. Luckily for him, he was naturally intelligent and school work was a breeze. He did not have to put too much effort into his studies and therefore he could focus on his training. He would train every day and would never be satisfied with his running times.

The high school track meet was attended by the biggest and best university scouts and it was Trevor’s mission to have 5 of the top varsities to choose from. In his mind he was unstoppable and unbeatable.

Trevor sailed through all the heats without breaking a sweat and made it to the final. 8 of the best runners in the country. Obviously the university scouts did not mind if Trevor came first or not. His reputation had already been established as one of the, if not, the best runner in the country. To Trevor this did not make a difference, he had to be number one so as to make his mom and dad proud, to make them smile the way they smiled that day in grade 1.

The started pistol fired and they were off. Tunnel vision as usual but this time there was something different. Instead of hearing the footsteps of all the other runners behind him, he heard a pair of feet in from of him. How could this be???? Surely not…..He tried to pick up his pace just as his coach had told him but just as he was about to pass his opponent, the runner touched the finish line. It was a phot finish but Trevor had come in second. He could not believe it and even though his parents were beaming with joy as usual, Trevor took that as false joy. This would never, ever happen again!

Coming second in that race still gave Trevor an Athletics Scholarship at the best university in the country, this university actually was ranked in the top 10 in the world. He ended up with his degree and but his goal was to get an Olympic Gold Medal as well as World Championship Gold. Not only did he want to win Gold in both these events, he wanted to win it by beating the World and Olympic records.

Trevor’s obsessive behavior led to his relationship with his mum and dad to deteriorate. They had never forcibly put pressure on him, all of this was self-inflicted. At a family meeting one night, his grandparents and his parents sat him down and let him know that they would be proud of him no matter what. There was no need to put so much pressure on himself. This made him feel as if he was a failure. His mum had won every award category that she had been nominated for. His dad was a politician who had no black mark against him and his time as a soldier was exemplary. But if he finished second or third they would still be proud of him? Not a chance!

Trevor won gold in the Olympics and he also beat the Olympic record. His mum and dad were there to cheer him on as usual but this time their smiles were not as big and wide as normal. He could see it in their eyes. In his mind it was because he had only beaten the Olympic record by 1.5 seconds but little did he know that it was due to his obsessiveness. I will beat the World Record by 2.5 seconds to make them happy again. To make the smile the way they smiled all those years back in Grade 1. All those years back as a 6 year old!

As the World Championships approached Trevor could feel a slight tweak in his calf. He explained this to his coach and was overheard by one of the assistant coaches. The assistant coach approached Trevor and told him there was a drug that could assist with the fast tracking of healing tweaks in calf muscles. It was 1000% legal and was undetectable in any urine or blood sample. All Trevor needed to do was pay him an amount of money and he would sort out the rest.

The Championships were soon and Trevor knew that he would not win the race with the tweak so he put together the cash, gave it to the assistant coach and took the drug.  

Lo and behold, the drug worked! Trevor won gold and beat the record by 2.5 seconds but he didn’t get the chance to look up to see if his parents were smiling. He was summoned for a routine drug test……Positive!

Trevor was banned for life…his parents would never smile the way they did that day and if only he knew, the smiles that day were not because Trevor had won. They were the smiles of loving parents, the smiles of parents who were proud of their son no matter what.

 

THE END

By K.A. Mulenga 28/04/2021

Author's Note

Ignore grammar problems, this hasn't been edited

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Excuse me for the brag, but I'm considered one of the strongest & most well-liked reviewers on this website, which gives me the "street cred" to put JayG's review into perspective for you. My eyes ALWAYS glaze over when I read a long diatribe by JayG. Just wanted you to know, in case you caught a glaze, too. I respect Jay's knowledge, but his teaching skills are sad & maybe even sadistic. A fundamental approach to reviewing is to include at least as much positive as negative (if not more so, since positive reviews result in a more inspired writer who can't wait to try again & try harder). Jay always dumps on people 100% which can destroy the confidence of many who are just starting out at the cafe. Enuf about Jay. I just wanted to put his spiel in perspective for you, so you could get a better idea of how many grains of salt to take with it.

There are 2 things I totally agree with Jay on --> (1) I prefer a story that begins with action and (2) this is almost completely "TELL" whereas a writer's goal is to "SHOW" as much as possible.

I can't stand plowing thru 2 or 3 paragraphs of backstory to begin with . . . or sometimes it's writer's angst bubbling over, spewing non-essential reflections and philosophical BS before he/she finally gets his/her channels cleared out so he/she can just tell the story. This is what Jay means by starting with storytelling at the beginning. Let backstory trickle in here & there, but not paragraphs of it bunched together (boring . . . people respond to action . . . that's what pulls the reader along, wanting to know what happens next). I like to use dialogue to weave in backstory, for example, as one character tells another about his/her past or whatever hangups the writer wants/needs to reveal in a character. When the writer tells us, it's TELLING the story. When a character reveals it thru action or dialogue, it's SHOWING how the story is unfolding.

Speaking of dialogue, I can't remember seeing any. For me, dialogue is the best way to SHOW instead of tell. In dialogue, we not only get to "hear" exactly how a scene has unfolded, but we also see body language in the dialogue tags, as well as how the characters react to one another thru physicality.

Now about your storyline -- great storyline, ambitious, clearly trying to craft this into a parable that has a relatable and current-interest angle, with doping coming into focus with big contests like the Olympics or the Tour de France. You accomplish this fairly well, which makes your story a tight package, covering a ton of information & lifespan in a fairly short read. I believe most readers do not like to read much, so they gravitate to the shorter stories. This is a good length for keeping a reader's interest.

What bothers me most --> this story is told in an unbalanced way between statistics & sensory. I know you want to put a fair amount of red meat into your story, so you reel off a bunch of statistics that quantify whatever contest you're trying to illustrate or explain. The problem is that statistics are boring in the same way that TELLING a story is boring (compared to laying down an action sequence). What's sorely missing is the sensory realm. Being an athlete isn't just about distances & times & contests & placing. Most athletes pay attention to all that, but when it comes to the sheer exhilaration of being an athlete, it's much more about the sensory, which is missing from this story.

The way you tell the story is an accurate reflection of this character's OCD grinding problem, but an entire story of it can be a bit dry & factual. I'm sure this guy only cares about distances & times, etc. But your audience needs more than this to stay immersed in a story. You could show another runner having more of a spiritual experience, reveling in the sights & sounds & smells & energy that makes up the day-to-day existence . . . while your OCD dude is all racheted up & neurotic . . . this could be shown thru a short conversational interchange between the two.

I've already bent your eyes into a helix by now & I hate to do that right after a long punishing JayG review, but I had to put his spiel in perspective for you a little better. I can tell you're very intelligent & not one to take things personally, so I trust you'll be able to incorporate what you like & throw away the chafe of all this know-it-all BS! *smile* (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[KA Mulenga]

Thanks for your honest review Margie. I am a children's book author and this was my first short story so I am a "new born" or rookie in this genre.Your advice is priceless and I will use it on my next writings. By the way in case you want to have a look at some of my books, please check out my website, www.kamulenga.com. Thanks again ☺️

[JayG]

Since you’re working hard, and there are some things that are getting in the way of success, I thought you’d want to know:

• For as long as he could remember Trevor wanted to be the best. He wanted to be number one no matter what it took. In his mind second only meant first loser. Runner up was not in his vocabulary.

This isn’t story. It’s backstory, an essay on someone we know nothing about, and care nothing about. When you say, “For as long as he could remember” Is that five years? Fifty? No way to tell, but it matters hugely to the feel of the story.

More than that, when you say he wanted to be the best, are we talking about a neurotic obsession a dream, or only "wanted to?” It's meaningless unless we have context. And it matters not at all if it later becomes clear because there is no second first-impression. Here is where a first reader would reject it, I'm afraid.

In short, start a story with story, never history. Before any info-dump of data like this, you MUST make the reader want that information.

The problem that’s getting in the way is that you’re transcribing yourself telling this to an audience. That can’t work on the page because verbal storytelling is a performance art. As the storyteller you’re taking the place of all the actors. The reader sees none of the emotion the actor would demonstrate, and hears no emotion in the actor’s voice. And as the only one on stage, the storyteller can’t play the roles because you can’t play the one shooting and the one being shot without sounding silly. So, of necessity, the storyteller substitutes THEIR performance for that of the missing actors. Of necessity, he, or she talks ABOUT the events in overview. But here’s the killer: How you perform the story matters as much as what you say, in verbal storytelling, because that’s where the emotional content lies. Bot the reader can't hear your voice. They can't see your gestures, your expressions, or your body-language. What do they get? A storyteller’s script minus the performance notes.

In short, you cannot use the techniques of one medium in another. Have your computer’s Narrator program read this aloud to hear how dramatically different what the reader gets is from what you hear when you read. You hear your own voice, ringing with emotion. The reader has only punctuation to tell them what emotion to use. You have intent, knowledge of the story, and intent driving your understanding as you read. The reader has only what the words suggest to THEM, based on THEIR background, not your intent.

Here’s the problem behind it all, though: After more than a decade in school, practicing our writing skills by being assigned endless reports and essays, we’re pretty good at reports and essays, whose goal is to inform. Unfortunately, fiction’s goal, as so well put by E. L. Doctorow: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” Unfortunately, with the techniques of nonfiction we can only tell the reader it’s raining. The nonfiction approach is author-centric and fact-based, where the techniques of fiction, with its goal of providing an emotional experience, are emotion-based and character-centric.

The fix? Simple: Add the tricks the pros take for granted. Remember, Fiction-Writing is a profession. And all professions are acquired IN ADDITION to the set of general skills we’re given in school. In fact, every book you’ve read was published, which means written with those skills. You can tell in a paragraph if a given author isn’t using them. More to the point, your reader can tell, which is the best argument I know of for picking up a few of those skills.

My suggestion on the way to acquire the skills needed to create scenes that will sing to the reader is the library. You work at your own speed. There are no tests, and no pressure. And in that, the best book I’ve found to date is available free from a film school’s library. The address is just below, so grab a copy before they change their mind and dig in. It won’t make a pro of you, but it will give you the knowledge, and the tools needed to do that with, if it’s in you.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

So...I know this is nothing like what you were hoping to see, and I truly wish there were an easier way to give such news. But since it is something you need to know, and has nothing to do with your talent, and how well you write, I thought you might want to know.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[KA Mulenga]

Thanks for your honest review Jay!