Ahhh Sobriety

Shoulda drank before work...

We have an epidemic here

Ladies and gentlemen

Dear God, it’s at crisis levels

 

The medical staff

Have been stealing the flu shots

And we are running out of the

Necessary supplies

To save you all

 

So we are now resorting

To voodoo planking

The plague right out of you

 

We have our priests standing by

And have rounded up all the chickens left

On the eastern coast

 

The finest aspen trees

Shall be cut down

And only the least knotty wood

Will be converted to

Our properly sized planks

 

We found the best looking priests

To conduct the chicken sacrifice

And we understand this may seem horrific

But the chickens must be sacrificed

 

It is all part of the powdering process

And it will protect you for the next three months

At least

 

You see we cut the head off the chickens

And bathe the children in the blood

Except the vegans

We have toficken for them

They’re goners anyway…

 

Back to the process

 

We then powder the now dried chickens

To coat the planks

Next up we have all of you line up

For your own good

As we beat you to death

With our magical

Life saving powdered planks

 

I know this hurts

But it hurts us more

And you should know that

 

Hold still dammed it

We are only trying to help

And stop telling us that voodoo planking

Is outdated

 

It’s this or sending out doctors

With expired flu shot dart guns

 

Letting them chase people

Through the crowded streets and malls

Like Rambo with a stethoscope

And a cough mask for protection

 

Now bend over and take it

01/16/2013

0104 am

Reviews

[.]

Hahahaha! This is brutally bewitching black humour!! What an astounding piece of writing! It exposes all those sociopaths and psychopaths in society who indulge in metaphorical or literal vodoo! How I wish I could send this piece to Sri Sri and tell him that it's about people like him. But he just wouldn't get it. He would return to his own brand of vodoo in no time. He'd probably tell Eben that it's me who doesn't know what he's talkin' about. But anyway, this is excellent work! I'm glad you don't mistake the wood for the trees. Your fine understanding of the world we live in removes the mask from the faces of many frauds.