The Girl

In an old rusty photograph

a giddy girl, innocently sits,

with a toothy smile, divine charm

she looks keenly at the onlooker

 

Her favourite teddy bear is lying there,

forgotten while posing under the light

sparkling, twinkling, curious eyes

she wants to know what the camera hides.

 

Several moonless nights have passed,

she stares at her childhood self and laughs

Long dead and buried in the dreadful bed,

she still remembers the girl she once was

 

Dripping tears are spoiling her mascara,

while she waits for the long night to end.

Her luminous body is on display again,

hiding the scars that never healed.

 

Author's Note

Flesh trade shames humanity!

***********************************************************

Constructive criticism would be very helpful to rectify my grammatical errors.
Thank you for your time.

Reviews

[Eliot Knight]

'She still remembers the girl she once was*' is usually how it's written and flows better, though nothing wrong with your way.
'Her luminous body is on display again*' same ^
'Hiding the scars that never healed or mended'* never healed is past tense and mend is present tense. They don't mix.
Though mended does kind of ruin the flow so I would suggest removing it entirely, 'Hiding the scars that never healed.'

Some points, I'm not sure if relating to Grammar or just flow but I'll mention them.
In an old rusty photograph
An innocent giddy girl sits
With toothy smile, divine charm
She looks keenly at the onlooker

- In a rusty old photograph
An innocent girl sits
giddy, with a toothy smile and divine charm.
She looks keenly at the onlooker

I'm not a very technical person so excuse my explanations but read it aloud and see if it works, and you can get a second opinion on it before you decide to make the changes.

The section about the teddy bear, I'm not clear as to who is posing under the light, the bear or the girl? The girl makes sense according to the context and I understand the teddy bear could be a metaphor for her, but I think it's better to be either OR in this case. It's best to keep the metaphor separate from the parts where reality is portrayed without any imagery. Try switching it up, I'll be glad to give pointers if you want but I'm certain you're good to go.

It's good, overall. Most pieces of writing are usually good but I think (and this is my personal opinion) that you are capable of great writing and with a little more effort, you will definitely get there. (Again, I'm no expert and I'm sorry if I sound like a pretentious prick).

As always, your writing has a strong message behind it and it's always a pleasure reading your works. Cheers.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Hey, Eliot! Thank you very much for your helpful review. I have changed all the grammar related aspects of this piece (that were quite easy after you pointed out my errors) but i am sure you can still pick out some errors and rightly so for even i feel it needs a bit more framing as well.
Please provide your help. Grateful :)
Thank you again!

[Coyote Poetry]

A very sad story in the poem. The worst part. This is real life. In the USA too.
"Dripping tears are spoiling her mascara
While she waits for the long night to end
Her luminous body is again on display
Hiding the scars that never healed or mend"
Girls must be taught. Trust no-one till you know them. This is the sad truth. Thank you for sharing the powerful poetry.
Coyote

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Sadly true...
Thank you very much for your insights.

[Coyote Poetry]

They say in New York. 1000 women disappear yearly. I believe bad ending for them.

[Pushkar Prabhat]

Amazing and powerful poetry........
there is no sin greater than exploiting an innocent............and forcing or manipulating someone into flesh trade........

great work.....
i loved it!!!
:)

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Long time, Pushkar!
Thank you for your insights!

[Pushkar Prabhat]

i will be back soon........you know how its like.......last year of college.......i see you having a great time here.......
:) :)

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

I understand, its my final year as well.
N yes I am having a great time indeed.
Good luck.

[Pushkar Prabhat]

yea i remember.......
good luck to you as well madame........!!! :)

[Chirag Kumar]

This is such a painful poem, Jyoti. This is an unfortunate reality across many parts of the world. You have highlighted a very strong issue through your words. The line, "She was fed with delicacies and lies
For her innocence to be put on sale later" touched me. Thanks for sharing, Jyoti.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you for the commentary.

[Einstein Noodle]

so needs to be said over and over ..it is a blight on all of us that it exists ...we can never do enough to stop it until no one is "up for sale" ... as poetry goes i think you are improving with every post! i think this one has solid form and rhythm ..reading it is as natural as breathing and the subject touched my heart and held my attention to the end ... i like how it starts with its direction subtle ..and as i read more becomes clear ...
E.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Indeed...
Thank you for your appreciation and kind words, E.
Hope this world becomes a better place.

[Einstein Noodle]

me too! hope and prayers are a powerful source :)