The Girl

In an old rusty photograph

a giddy girl, innocently sits,

with a toothy smile, divine charm

she looks keenly at the onlooker

 

Her favourite teddy bear is lying there,

forgotten while posing under the light

sparkling, twinkling, curious eyes

she wants to know what the camera hides.

 

Several moonless nights have passed,

she stares at her childhood self and laughs

Long dead and buried in the dreadful bed,

she still remembers the girl she once was

 

Dripping tears are spoiling her mascara,

while she waits for the long night to end.

Her luminous body is on display again,

hiding the scars that never healed.

 

Author's Note

Flesh trade shames humanity!

***********************************************************

Constructive criticism would be very helpful to rectify my grammatical errors.
Thank you for your time.

Reviews

[Eliot Knight]

'She still remembers the girl she once was*' is usually how it's written and flows better, though nothing wrong with your way.
'Her luminous body is on display again*' same ^
'Hiding the scars that never healed or mended'* never healed is past tense and mend is present tense. They don't mix.
Though mended does kind of ruin the flow so I would suggest removing it entirely, 'Hiding the scars that never healed.'

Some points, I'm not sure if relating to Grammar or just flow but I'll mention them.
In an old rusty photograph
An innocent giddy girl sits
With toothy smile, divine charm
She looks keenly at the onlooker

- In a rusty old photograph
An innocent girl sits
giddy, with a toothy smile and divine charm.
She looks keenly at the onlooker

I'm not a very technical person so excuse my explanations but read it aloud and see if it works, and you can get a second opinion on it before you decide to make the changes.

The section about the teddy bear, I'm not clear as to who is posing under the light, the bear or the girl? The girl makes sense according to the context and I understand the teddy bear could be a metaphor for her, but I think it's better to be either OR in this case. It's best to keep the metaphor separate from the parts where reality is portrayed without any imagery. Try switching it up, I'll be glad to give pointers if you want but I'm certain you're good to go.

It's good, overall. Most pieces of writing are usually good but I think (and this is my personal opinion) that you are capable of great writing and with a little more effort, you will definitely get there. (Again, I'm no expert and I'm sorry if I sound like a pretentious prick).

As always, your writing has a strong message behind it and it's always a pleasure reading your works. Cheers.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Hey, Eliot! Thank you very much for your helpful review. I have changed all the grammar related aspects of this piece (that were quite easy after you pointed out my errors) but i am sure you can still pick out some errors and rightly so for even i feel it needs a bit more framing as well.
Please provide your help. Grateful :)
Thank you again!

[terry smith]

I would change 'was once' to 'once was' and healed to heal but that is just me...beautifully written very sad piece very sad!! :(

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

I am indeed going to edit it soon.
Thank you for your valuable insights!

[nupur chauhan]

Ur small effort by expressing ur emotions through words.... May stop this brutal behaviour towards girls .... Nice piece of work ... Really appreciable... Keep on writing like this dear.... Best of luck 😉 😊👍

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you very much Nupur!

[nupur chauhan]

Ur most welcome dear ... Keep on writing like this ... I wanna read more of ur poems

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you again. You are always welcome to read my work.

[nupur chauhan]

Ohhh sure dear 👍😊

[Amay Saxena]

It's nice.
Can be better in many ways.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you, Amay. Suggestions are always welcome. :)

[Emily]

Love that first line!
Keep on writing!!

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you for visiting Emily!

[Bear]

Wow, now I understand why three different people sent me requests to read this poem. You have some great lines here with strong imagery, and the emotion you convey is real and inspiring. Well done my friend. Standing Ovation! Clap! Clap! Clap!

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you very much, Bear. I am glad that people read my work and even more grateful when they invite others like yourself. This is a very touching piece, made me cry and ache while penning it down. Hopefully, that pain is delivered in the words.
Thank you.

[MelissaAndres]

That's awful! Not your writing, but the subject matter itself -- what young girls have to deal with. I just could not imagine. You have written this well.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

I understand, Melissa.
Thank you for visiting.

[MelissaAndres]

You are very welcome.

[Dani The Unreviewed]

now, the poem hides much pain, of a tortured woman, wishing herself back into her innocent childhood days. now by torture, i mean not only beatings, but also the mental stress, and as a line in this one.suggests...she is deep in prostitution, not cuz she wants, but cuz people forced her. or at least, that's how it feels.

unfortunately, people are involved with not only grownups, but also children. humanity is a sick, monster.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Its a shame.
Thank you for your insights!

[Dani The Unreviewed]

no problem :)

[Insight "MH"]

It's a sad truth of how the world is govern by the selfish who want to consume every bit of pure form in life.

Thank you for sharing this well written piece..... Insight.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you insight!
It's sadly true.

[Insight "MH"]

You are welcome.

[Willard Wells]

A very sad tale with truth throughout. Well done young lady.

Woman may be weaker, but only in strength. The mind of most woman has to be strong to withstand the abuse that goes on and hopefully still come out on the other side somewhat intact. That is not what usually happens and we can only pray for a change.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Indeed...
Thank you very much for your insights.