The Girl

In an old rusty photograph

a giddy girl, innocently sits,

with a toothy smile, divine charm

she looks keenly at the onlooker

 

Her favourite teddy bear is lying there,

forgotten while posing under the light

sparkling, twinkling, curious eyes

she wants to know what the camera hides.

 

Several moonless nights have passed,

she stares at her childhood self and laughs

Long dead and buried in the dreadful bed,

she still remembers the girl she once was

 

Dripping tears are spoiling her mascara,

while she waits for the long night to end.

Her luminous body is on display again,

hiding the scars that never healed.

 

Author's Note

Flesh trade shames humanity!

***********************************************************

Constructive criticism would be very helpful to rectify my grammatical errors.
Thank you for your time.

Reviews

[Eliot Knight]

'She still remembers the girl she once was*' is usually how it's written and flows better, though nothing wrong with your way.
'Her luminous body is on display again*' same ^
'Hiding the scars that never healed or mended'* never healed is past tense and mend is present tense. They don't mix.
Though mended does kind of ruin the flow so I would suggest removing it entirely, 'Hiding the scars that never healed.'

Some points, I'm not sure if relating to Grammar or just flow but I'll mention them.
In an old rusty photograph
An innocent giddy girl sits
With toothy smile, divine charm
She looks keenly at the onlooker

- In a rusty old photograph
An innocent girl sits
giddy, with a toothy smile and divine charm.
She looks keenly at the onlooker

I'm not a very technical person so excuse my explanations but read it aloud and see if it works, and you can get a second opinion on it before you decide to make the changes.

The section about the teddy bear, I'm not clear as to who is posing under the light, the bear or the girl? The girl makes sense according to the context and I understand the teddy bear could be a metaphor for her, but I think it's better to be either OR in this case. It's best to keep the metaphor separate from the parts where reality is portrayed without any imagery. Try switching it up, I'll be glad to give pointers if you want but I'm certain you're good to go.

It's good, overall. Most pieces of writing are usually good but I think (and this is my personal opinion) that you are capable of great writing and with a little more effort, you will definitely get there. (Again, I'm no expert and I'm sorry if I sound like a pretentious prick).

As always, your writing has a strong message behind it and it's always a pleasure reading your works. Cheers.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Hey, Eliot! Thank you very much for your helpful review. I have changed all the grammar related aspects of this piece (that were quite easy after you pointed out my errors) but i am sure you can still pick out some errors and rightly so for even i feel it needs a bit more framing as well.
Please provide your help. Grateful :)
Thank you again!

[Savon Wingo]

I love this poem great job Jyoti! Sad though but very great keep writing and striving :)

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you very much Savon. Glad you liked it!

[Savon Wingo]

You're very welcome!

[CA Anurag Sharma]

Dark, thoughtful and effective... reading it with the news of culprit in Nirbhya case setting free tomorrow.... you penned a strong poem depicting the horror of these shameful acts...

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

It's a shame.
Thank you very much for your kind visit.

[Gaurav Bhattacharya]

How do you manage to evoke such immense emotion in your work. It is truly amazing and the messages you are putting out are tremendously important. Well done.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you very much Saurav.
While honestly, I kind of struggle between storytelling and poetry writing, these fine reviews, such as yours means a lot to me. :)

[Gaurav Bhattacharya]

You're very welcome Jyoti. :)

[Briana Noël Manzan..]

This is a beautiful and haunting poem that I think that every female will relate to on a deep level...
Flesh trade is not only happening in the most obscene and physical of terms, but also in the media and society and our ways of thinking.
Women are treated as sexual objects not only in pornography and brothels and underground markets, but also in music, videogames, television, books, popular magazines, and tons of other subtle things that crop up in the everyday life of modern nations and manipulate the way impressionable young people view themselves, others, and the world.

Great imagery, outstanding vocabulary and eloquence. 100/100

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Sadly true...
Thank you very much Briana! Your kind review is very much appreciated. :)

[Surya pradha]

i really can't believe that such things are still out there, hellish stuff it is. anyway , the words giddy girl seem a bit awkward, i suggest you frame it in a different way. "With a toothy smile seems better,yes? i just added an a to it. well the rest is just great, keep writing!

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you for your helpful review. It is much appreciated. :)

[An owl on the moon]

Such a profoundly powerful poem, dear Jyoti, revealing this horrid, gaping wound in humanity's skin. It is so hard to believe that this dark, terrible practice still happens, and yet so many suffer in silence each year. I deeply appreciate you giving a voice to the voiceless... one day may they all be free and this horror erased for good.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Amen!
Thank you for visiting, Craig.

[Valentine]

Too much of this happening today with the Internet. Valentine

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Sadly true...
Thank you for the commentary.

[Stan Lee]

Very real. Well done Jyoti. Emotive.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you, Andrea!

[Perkele.7885]

Jyoti, I am not going to pick your poem apart.
I am going to enjoy your effort at entering the smut trade arena and the debasement of a young human being who will never know childhood again or young adulthood either for that matter. This young girl is now just a piece of meat to be tossed around till the stray dogs wont even give it more than a casual sniff in passing.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

This girl gave me sleepless nights until I penned down her story.
Thank you for your brutally honest review and sadly its all so true.

[Salvatore]

Hi Jyoti,
I would like to help with the grammar but, unfortunately, I'm Italian so I will let someone else who's better than me. I will just tell you that I like that poem very much, you delicately spoke about a complex argument and you did it very well.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you, Salvatore for your valuable insights.