The Girl

The Girl

A Story by Jyoti_Ablaze


In an old rusty photograph

a giddy girl, innocently sits,

with a toothy smile, divine charm

she looks keenly at the onlooker

 

Her favourite teddy bear is lying there,

forgotten while posing under the light

sparkling, twinkling, curious eyes

she wants to know what the camera hides.

 

Several moonless nights have passed,

she stares at her childhood self and laughs

Long dead and buried in the dreadful bed,

she still remembers the girl she once was

 

Dripping tears are spoiling her mascara,

while she waits for the long night to end.

Her luminous body is on display again,

hiding the scars that never healed.

 


© 2018 Jyoti_Ablaze


Author's Note

Jyoti_Ablaze
Flesh trade shames humanity!

***********************************************************

Constructive criticism would be very helpful to rectify my grammatical errors.
Thank you for your time.

My Review

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Featured Review

'She still remembers the girl she once was*' is usually how it's written and flows better, though nothing wrong with your way.
'Her luminous body is on display again*' same ^
'Hiding the scars that never healed or mended'* never healed is past tense and mend is present tense. They don't mix.
Though mended does kind of ruin the flow so I would suggest removing it entirely, 'Hiding the scars that never healed.'

Some points, I'm not sure if relating to Grammar or just flow but I'll mention them.
In an old rusty photograph
An innocent giddy girl sits
With toothy smile, divine charm
She looks keenly at the onlooker

- In a rusty old photograph
An innocent girl sits
giddy, with a toothy smile and divine charm.
She looks keenly at the onlooker

I'm not a very technical person so excuse my explanations but read it aloud and see if it works, and you can get a second opinion on it before you decide to make the changes.

The section about the teddy bear, I'm not clear as to who is posing under the light, the bear or the girl? The girl makes sense according to the context and I understand the teddy bear could be a metaphor for her, but I think it's better to be either OR in this case. It's best to keep the metaphor separate from the parts where reality is portrayed without any imagery. Try switching it up, I'll be glad to give pointers if you want but I'm certain you're good to go.

It's good, overall. Most pieces of writing are usually good but I think (and this is my personal opinion) that you are capable of great writing and with a little more effort, you will definitely get there. (Again, I'm no expert and I'm sorry if I sound like a pretentious prick).

As always, your writing has a strong message behind it and it's always a pleasure reading your works. Cheers.

Posted 8 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Jyoti_Ablaze

8 Years Ago

Hey, Eliot! Thank you very much for your helpful review. I have changed all the grammar related aspe.. read more



Reviews

Firstly, your poem has reached x amount of reviewers, almost all declaring their horror at the theme. Imagine how many people could be reminded of the magnitude of child molestation in all its evil guises if each of us wrote and stood to be counted?

'Her luminous body is on display again, -- -- hiding the scars that never healed.'

Your picture, your gradual lead up to the final few words is considered, not overly emotional but obviously very close to your heart. Brava.. your words are magnificent.

Posted 8 Years Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

8 Years Ago

Emmajoy, thank you so much for your insights!
We, the people, hold the key to better society,.. read more
You have described little things so nicely. Old times are always remembered.nicely writted piece. Thank you for sharing :)

Posted 8 Years Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

8 Years Ago

Thank you, Akshat.
Akshat♥

8 Years Ago

You're welcome, jyoti.
Here you said a true story. I do not know to correct the grammatical errors. Still, I would like to tell my opinion about your writing. I really felt sad as I read this. In India, selling cow's flesh was banned. But women flesh trade still goes on. You jotted our ideas through this fine masterpiece.

Keep going and I will keep reviewing!

Wishes,
Sandra.

Posted 8 Years Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

8 Years Ago

Indeed..
Thank you Sandra for your sweet visit.
Sandra Nair

8 Years Ago

It's my pleasure.
You just Hammered.
It is quite touching.
Every line is showing the truth.

Posted 8 Years Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

8 Years Ago

Thank you!
Saddam

8 Years Ago

Most welcome dear friend.
Well done sweetie...this is a very movinh piece,i am actually trying to work on smethng alittle bit related to this
Wonderfully written:-)

Posted 8 Years Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

8 Years Ago

Thank you Mary!
Well I hope you will be able to voice the anguish of the suppressed. Good luc.. read more
Mary Helda

8 Years Ago

thank you:-)
I love the parallels in this poem...the reminders of innocence still around her room; the evil camera looming waiting to steal more from her soul...wonderful poem that speaks to a subject that needs more attention...our girls need protection; help and freedom....thank you for writing this poem...BRAVO

Posted 8 Years Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

8 Years Ago

Hello, Ellen!
Yes, it is much needed today.
Thank you for your kind words!
Ellen Kolman

8 Years Ago

my pleasure
Prostitution is a very very big problem, being simply swept under the carpet, instead of taken care of ...
I cannot even imagine, the horrific emotional, and mental stress of the women forced to...Well earn money with pleasing sexual desires...Multiple times a night / day.
Well written.

Posted 8 Years Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

8 Years Ago

Sadly true...
Thanks for the review!
Reed

8 Years Ago

You are welcome.
you have touched on a very serious problem,it seems to be out of control
you wrote it well

Posted 8 Years Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

8 Years Ago

This is one disturbing thruth of today...
Thank you for the kind visit.
Adroaldo Barbosa Jr.

8 Years Ago

Wow... good writing. Congratulations!
It was very nice and shout out a cause which everyone have to look after.

Posted 8 Years Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

8 Years Ago

Sad truth! Thank you for the kind visit.
Wow, this is a really neat piece! I wasn't expecting that at all. I could reflect on this, of course in a different point of view but I can definitely look back at my life while reading this poem of yours. Great job! Keep up the great work!

Posted 8 Years Ago


Jyoti_Ablaze

8 Years Ago

Thank you for your kind words!

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Shelved in 3 Libraries
Added on November 9, 2015
Last Updated on October 8, 2018

Author

Jyoti_Ablaze
Jyoti_Ablaze

Diamond city, India



About
Hey! I am Jyoti, have seen 21 winters pass without a trace of snow; (it never snows in the west region of INDIA). Hope to see it someday..! Believe in living and loving every moment of life.. Of cou.. more..

Writing
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A Poem by Jyoti_Ablaze



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