Hum the (Hindi Poem)

Hum the (Hindi poem)

Kehne ko to me bhi thi, vo bhi tha
Dono ki apni duniya bhi thi
Magar kuch khwab hakikat ke saye me jhulaste reh gaye
Aur hum jahan the vahi adhure reh gaye
Kehne ko to me bhi thi, vo bhi tha

***************************

English Translation:

 

We lived

To say, I lived and he did, as well

we both dwelled in our own worlds

But some dreams just scorched in the shadows of reality

And we stayed where we were in the incompleteness

To say, I lived and he did, as well

Author's Note

My first attempt at Hindi poetry.
Constructive criticism is expected.
Thank you for your time.

Reviews

[S.P.GORAI]

nice................................................................

[Gaurav Bhattacharya]

That's what I thought! Nice! What else can I say? Very well done Jyoti! :)

[Salvatore]

Nice, unfortunately I cannot read the Hindi version and appreciate it's style.
Congratulations.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you, Salvatore your review is much appreciated.

[kealan]

I enjoyed this. In terms of criticism, I have none for this piece, only the observation that it reads easily, and reminds me of the brilliant quotes of AC bhaktivedanta swami prabhupada

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Wow!
Thank you for your kind comment.
It could not be a coincidence because I am trying follow Prabhupada's teaching. Hari bol.

[kealan]

Synchronicities such as this are proof that you're on the right path. I look forward to reading more.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you again. Always welcome to review any of my work.

[Fatema]

I think the hindi part was nice. the words sounded pretty

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you so much, Fatema.

[Eliot Knight]

Gave me feelings of nostalgia of a love I haven't experienced, that is what makes a writer, to invoke feelings in others they never knew existed.
As for the translation, I think the use of simpler words would make it more beautiful and ease the flow. Sometimes, less is more.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you very much, friend for your insightful review.

[Isabel]

Wow this was a really lovely write! An excellent piece.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you for stopping by, Maria and leaving such a kind comment.

[Einstein Noodle]

i love it! the pic is perfect ... i will have to educate myself on Hindi poetry ... your second to last line says it all for me ..i feel left hanging ..on that line of love ...both choosing not to cross .. i don't think i have read many poems touching that aspect of love's searching ... nice one!
E.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you very much, E.
I think it is the most relatable topic for many of us at least once let this potential love simply pass by us in life.

Glad you liked it. Thanx for the kind review.

[Einstein Noodle]

and how hard it is!! ;)

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Yes indeed! But that's life right!

[Einstein Noodle]

;) ................

[Francis Orion]

Beautiful poem and I love the image with it. I don't know anything about Hindi poetry, but I think this is an excellent in any language.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you very much for your kind words.
Glad you liked it.

[Amay Saxena]

Great job. You can try writing same as positive....

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Maybe I will. Thank you for the kind comment.

[Sudeep Mishra]

tarksadhhya bibechana:
pratham prayash aur usme esi safalta!! :P

Well ..well. nice way to start. Both the linguistic approaches seems to compliment each other. You have mastered a tremendous translation skill. Liked both the halves of the same paper.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you Sudeep for the kind review! It's a great encouragement.