Tried to write something from a different perspective.
This is the result of pure imagination on a rainy day.
Please read, review and rate.
Constructive criticism is expected.
Thank you for your time.
My Review
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You know what? The whole poem had me holding my breath, waiting for the next line. In the end, it took my breath away. As a guy let me tell you, you've done something that every guy wishes to convey but fails to do so. The verses are mesmerizing and uniquely flavoured. I love your flow of words.
Keep the words flowing! :D
Posted 8 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
8 Years Ago
Thank you for your kind words! Glad it can had that kinda effect.
What a rich, wonderful journey, from first glimpse to eternal love, giving and receiving everything that love brings to fulfill our lives. Each glimpse, each line is written with magic, dear Jyoti.
I will tell you that I liked your poem for content, for what was said and for what you were trying to say that was not said.
In general terms, Jyoti, your poem needs a paring down into more poetic verse while maintaining your same message and sentiments
I am not saying that it has to rhyme
I am saying that it has to flow off of the reader's tongue
Part of good poetry that sometimes gets overlooked is the visual presentation.
it is not as important as the poetry itself but, I believe that it goes far in impressing a fan base
You are correct Mr. Rajaneimi. I am nothing but a novice who is learning with each piece I write.read moreYou are correct Mr. Rajaneimi. I am nothing but a novice who is learning with each piece I write.
Your advice is noted and I will try to imbibe them in my next write.
Thank you for your kind words and time.
9 Years Ago
Mr. Rajaniemi seems to be looking for a more custom effort than your other reviewers are satisfied w.. read moreMr. Rajaniemi seems to be looking for a more custom effort than your other reviewers are satisfied with.
I am of the opinion ,that you have it in you to write, not un-necessary flowery prose, but,
effective, telling, beautiful. prose
without putting the readers to sleep
but, I can see that I am in the minority here so, my suggestion to you is, Jyoti
go with the bigger numbers
9 Years Ago
Sir, I am here to flourish as a writer, by learning. And anything that will help me attain that goal.. read moreSir, I am here to flourish as a writer, by learning. And anything that will help me attain that goal will always be welcomed.
Thank you.
Hi, Jyoti … it is I, Richard, come to read and review for you. : )
For me, it's rare for a woman to speak from a man's perspective, but I very much enjoyed your beautiful tale of romance, from first glimpse and introduction to tender, heartwarming proposal.
Free Style poetry is one of my favorite forms, because it allows for rhymes blended and wed with the free-flowing spirit of Free Verse, and your poetic voice is simply magnetic to the senses, most especially in this verse (I took it upon myself to remove the rogue "s" from "hairs" to make it grammatically correct, as hair is the plural and the singular of hair, edited it a bit for additional poetic voice and smoother flow, and corrected a couple of punctuation issues, as-well). It's so you can see a variety from a simple olde bard's "perspective", and if you don't care for it, no harm's done, as I've changed nothing in your original version:
"A strong wind blew and took my breath away
when your dazzling hair parted from your face.
Dove-like eyes filled me with awe-filled grace,
and your rose petal lips that drank-in the air
added to the mesmerizing scene, unfolding there."
Still, every line and every verse is woven intricately in such a way that none could be omitted without unraveling the whole … a virtually perfect balance.
I truly enjoyed your creative imagination and how you used it to turn words into visions, combining the colors, textures, and hues of nature and planets with human emotion.
Thank you sincerely, Jyoti, for blessing us with your most lovely poem! 〜 Richard
Posted 9 Years Ago
9 Years Ago
Thank you so much Richard. Its one of the best compliment I have got. And English is not my first la.. read moreThank you so much Richard. Its one of the best compliment I have got. And English is not my first language, so my incompetence with grammar is something that is always a pain. But grateful for your suggestions; will try to rectify errors as much as possible.
Glad you liked it. Jyoti
9 Years Ago
You are a pleasure to read … it is I who thank you!
9 Years Ago
Well Thank you! :)
9 Years Ago
A low sweeping bow …
9 Years Ago
Thats just too kind. Thank you again.
9 Years Ago
You make it easy to be kind.
9 Years Ago
I am humbled.
9 Years Ago
LOL! This is fun. : )
9 Years Ago
Lol I am out of words.
9 Years Ago
I don't believe it, You, the artist with a golden pen?
Okay, I'll leave you alone so you can .. read moreI don't believe it, You, the artist with a golden pen?
Okay, I'll leave you alone so you can take care of others, but it's still fun*
9 Years Ago
Come, review another poem for me, my "This, Our Love ⁓"
Maybe, it will remind you of more w.. read moreCome, review another poem for me, my "This, Our Love ⁓"
Maybe, it will remind you of more words. ; )
Enjoyed reading it more than twice! :) like your writing style Jyoti! The way he sees her in a different way even though the monsoon season had impacted her in such a way. Beautiful. When we see through loves eyes, our lovers are perfect in every single way. Well portrayed!
first time u gape a person , which u feel that i want to spend my whole life with him and it is difficult , that he don't even change during the time pass by...and if he don't change a bit then your whole story justified ....only those who are extremely lucky can get them...stupendous performance once again ms.jyoti...congrats:)))))))
Hey! I am Jyoti, have seen 21 winters pass without a trace of snow; (it never snows in the west region of INDIA).
Hope to see it someday..!
Believe in living and loving every moment of life.. Of cou.. more..