Doomsday Version-2

A dark epiphany..!

Wings flutter,

glass shatters

Sky Roars,

rain pours

 

Dark’s Lure,

keen & more

Sheer Yelp,

call for help

 

Hell’s arc,

surrounds dark

Peace gone,

the war is on

 

Shout and shout,

none hear you out

No place to go,

you reap what you sow

 

Light Shiver,

hope wither

Earth turns Red,

you drown in dread

 

No way out,

walk in shroud

Numerous strides,

no fast ride

 

Corpse’s heap,

fast asleep

No help came,

end of Game!

************************

 

“So go to sleep my girl,

Meet mamma after the fall.

In a place where it is safe to play,

to sing, to be, to pray..!” 

Author's Note

This a raw version of my Poem, Doomsday (http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/Jyoti_Swami/1590049/)
Constructive criticism is expected!
Hope you like it!

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

One of the great poets wrote the truth.
"Like a whisper.
like a whisper,
like a whisper.
Not with a bang, the world of man will die."
With chemical and bio. Can kill whole cities off with a sound. A powerful poem for thoughts. I pray with you. We need to lead with love, concern and kindness. If we don't. Whole world will know a dead-end. Thank you for sharing the outstanding poetry. Poetry support to make you think. This poem did.
Coyote

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

You are so right.. I am glad that my work provoked such insightful thoughts. Thank you.

[Coyote Poetry]

You did and you are welcome.

[mattavelli]

This was an interesting read. I don't think I want to see the day you've described. Haha
"wings flutters"
"hope wither"
These two lines have grammar issues.
Thanks for sharing.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you for pointing out the errors and the commentary.

[cimmy wuv xxxooo]

Wow this was extremely good.
Love the way you have set the piece out.
The rhymes are brilliant and just bring the whole piece together.
The whole poem sounded so poetic, was written out beautifully.
This has such a strong topic, so deep powerful, meaningful and emotional. Very cleaver write. I really loved this piece. You have talent.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you so much for your kind words!

[cimmy wuv xxxooo]

Any time :)

[Perkele.7885]

This is good if doomsday makes an appearance in my lifetime.
I'll feel safe and sound and Heaven bound while in My Blue Heaven

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Well good luck then. Thank you for the comment.

[An owl on the moon]

What a powerful glimpse of the world coming undone all around us. The world shakes and shudders in your words, and awakens a fear of what is to come. Fierce and wild.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you Craig! It served its purpose then.. :)

[Gaurav Bhattacharya]

Ahhh I felt like watch terminator. Really very true n awesome

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

I am glad you liked it. Thank you!

[sarik]

LOVE IT !!

every single word used in is outstading....

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you.

[E G TEN]

An interesting approach to the inevitable, your words are
perfect and on the spot. Every stanza is a declaration. Very cool
Miss J. I like to see the third version, the aftermath perhaps.:-)
Thanks for sharing

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Yes a third version might come, E G Ten..!
Thank you for the encouraging review! :)

[Pushkar Prabhat]

Awesome!!!
scary poem doing justice to the doomsday scenario.......

"“So go to sleep my girl,
Meet mamma after the fall.
In a place where it is safe to play,
To sing, to be, to pray..!” "

this was beautiful.......
i loved it!!!
:)

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you so much! I am very happy you liked it!

[Pushkar Prabhat]

always a pleasure Jyoti!!! :) :)

[Max]

I have read both versions... I like this one the most. Each line painting a vivid image, each line could stand on its own, to deliver a punch like the poem does. Very well written.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you so much for reading both the pieces! I am glad you liked it.

[Max]

You are welcome :)

[Emily]

Very nice write!
Keep it up!!

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you!

[Legunda]

marvelous !!!!