Should I do it ? Part 1

Yet again..I'm a selfish b*****d..But this time I have no other choice.

I woke up this morning, feeling just as empty and unconscious of myself as it has been the case for the past month or so.. I don't even remember how long it has been.

See, a few years ago I was diagnosed with depression. I have also been told that my self esteem is really low.. So I got one of those pathetic self-help books about improving my thoughts about my self-image. As anyone can guess, this never helped.. I was also obligated to attend meetings with my psychiatrist. Assuming that my forced smile after a few of those visits was proof enough that I was completely fine, she let me go get on with my life. And I'm glad she did, I guess.. I was sick of being evaluated, knowing that they couldn't give me what I needed.. 

What I needed was a confirmation that I'm a PERSON. I feel like I should probably explain where this had all begun..My father was an artist, one of his "art genes" ( no matter how biologically incorrect this is ) managed to get through to me, and this was enough to make my mother hate me for the rest of my life. Hate is a strong word but here it was rarely just an emphasis. She never could understand my wandering mind, she never believed I was unwell.. Until of course I broke a few things after coming home completely enraged with the thought of having to be myself. My father was never there to understand, he died when I was young. So I spent most of my time with my grandparents.. I found love from my grandmother: a safe hug I never felt with my mother, and a shelter for my thoughts with my grandfather who was an actor and just as much of a dreamer as I was. They both taught me everything I needed to know to become myself.. And how to embrace it. But, yet again, they left me just as well, dying one after another, giving me as much as four months to recover from the first shocking blow. And yet, I was still so small, so insignificant, so helpless.. I couldn't understand at the point how much this had put a mark on my life. But now I know it was the real beginning.

I was never truly accepted in my primary school, but when I lost both of the most important people in my life, I started loosing my friends. They told me I shouldn't be so sad, that I had no reason. They convinced me I was a complete lunatic for trying to isolate myself from the rest, they constantly nagged me to stop frowning and being different because it was SCARING them .. when I heard that my face changed into something I never saw, but I could feel the tingling of each muscle. I started shouting from the bottom of my lungs that THIS was what they should be scared of. " Here, you wanted to see how I really feel ? This is how I really feel ! This is me without the mask I wear every single day just so I could go through with it. Are you scared now ?? Is this what you wanted to see ??" I continued to shout.. And I remember it as it was yesterday. The faces of those little girls, changing in complete horror. 

But this was not the end...

Author's Note

This is my first try at writing something.. I'm not from an English speaking country, so don't mind the mistakes.