Let Me Tell You a Story

I really need people to review this...it's my english homework and this is part of my grade.

   Hi, my name is Courtney...and I'm going to tell you a story. And before you ask why is some stranger I've never met before, nor ever will again most likely, telling me a story? I'll tell you why...this story is about life. Not that fake crap everyone put on as their life, their little play. No, this is the story of real lives...the ones with pain, misery, lies.
   If you look around us you'll see a boy with brown hair and a green laptop too the left of us. His name is Liam Greene. His parents split up when he was ten after his father walked in on his wife and his best friend...being intimate we'll say, incase you have tender ears. Sad part is, Liam's father just went to his closet, grabbed his favorite jacket, and walked out while Joel was groaning over his wife. Liam looks like a good kid, doesn't he? Well looks can be deceiving. That boy is as high as a kite right now...not a care in the world.
   Oh and the teenage girl with the blond hair behind the counter over there? That's Maxx. She has two kids, about 6 months old. She doesn't know who the father is...eight men raped her in one night because her father forgot he was supposed to pick her up from work. She started walking home and they found her. Nine months later, she has two reminders of that event for the rest of her life. Max just started working again yesterday, she's terrified still.
  
   Miss, I don't mean to be rude...but I don't see what this has to do with me. Like you said, I don't even know you. You just randomly call my house one day asking too meet me at the local internet cafe? I don't know why you wanted to talk to me...but I don't go around talking to people who try to guess how people live their lives.

   Everything I'm telling you has a purpose, you just have to wait and see what that purpose is.
   Anyway, as I was saying, there's a little girl about six years old playing with a doll under the table over there? That's Megan Feltchel . She's been blind since her mother "accidently" dum- I mean dropped a quart of bleach in her eyes two years ago. Her mom left her daughter screaming in pain on the floor and went to go to watch TV. Her brother found her three hours later, unconscious from the pain.

   What does any of this have to do with me?! I'm not that poor boy's parents, or the men who raped that poor girl. And I would never hurt my children like that! And I would never leave them like that. I fail to see the point of this meeting. If you'll excuse me, my sons are getting out of school.

   Sit down Mister Laseon, I have one more story to tell. Then you'll see the relevance.
   About thirty years ago, there was a woman who loved her children...as much as you do yours. Unfortunately, though, she was addicted to drugs, scared from the rape that had caused her children, and almost completely blinded by her foster mother...so she didn't know how to care for her children. She had a beautiful girl and a wonderful little boy.
   One day, she came home from one of her stops and decided that since her foster father had her children for the night she'd use this as one of her free days and get high. It dulled the pain of her memories...or that's what she said anyway. About ten minutes after taking the pills, she got a call from her foster father telling her her daughter was having a serious medical problem. The woman laughed and said 'Oh that's wonderful' and hung up the phone on her father.
   The next day she found out that while high on her living room couch, her eighteen month old daughter had been fighting for her life...and lost the sixteen-hour long battle. The woman realized that she was in no condition to be a mother and gave her son up...so she would still have one of her children on this earth.

   Courtney, I feel  for whoever this woman was...or is. But that doesn't matter. This isn't my life!

   Oh but it is Kyle. You were that little boy given up by his mother. On July 19, 1979, at eleven-twenty-four I gave you to my cousin who wanted children of her own, but her and her husband couldn't. I memorized your beautiful little face and then handed you off.
   I heard about your alcohol from Cloe and I have to tell you give it up before you lose a much more important thing...or two of them. I don't want you to live the life I have because of a selfish indulgence.

   -speechless- Um, I really don't know what to say...or how to react to this.

   Simply tell an old woman that you won't have to sit your children down thirty years from today and say "Let me tell you a story."
   
 

 

Author's Note

It's two people having a conversation...

Reviews

[Andrew (not Andy, A.J. ..]

Very nice, if a wee bit confusing. It's rather hard to do a narrative like this, but I think you can pull it off. I have a few minor criticisms to (hopefully) help you.
1. '-speechless-' Gaah! This is not a chatroom through which they communicate, and even if it was, some shocked person isn't going to type out '-speechless-' Give us some stuttering or something, to SHOW us how Kyle is speechless.
2. You might try a different POV. It would be a whole lot stronger and less confusing, IMHO, in a close third person with both Kyle's and Courtney's thoughts. If you do try close third, we need to have strong, showing descriptions, a lot of body language, and thoughts of both characters. Bring them out, make them real.
3. I hate to be a grammar nazi, but you do have some grammatical errors.
I think this has buttloads of potential. You execute it well, but I think you can do it better. And if you can, this'll make a great story (not to mention it'll sell!).
Best Wishes and Highest Regards and Deepest Sincerity and Utmost Honor and All Due Respect and All That Stuff,
--Andrew

[Jeff Miller]

the powerful emotion is amazing. Keep it up

[Hannah Monttkomepy]

Wow, this was really good, I didn't expect the ending at all. But since this is homework, I did take notes to give to you while I read lol. So here they are...

1.) In paragraph one, you said "And before you ask 'why is some stranger I've never met before, nor ever will again most likely, telling me a story?'" This made no sense to me. Well it sorta did cuz I got the jest of what you were trying to say. It was still confusing though. Maybe something like 'why is some stranger I've never met nor will ever meet, most likely, be telling me a story?' That would make more sense I think...

2.) Also in the first paragraph you said misery, lies. Now, I've done this before, and my teachers have always yelled at me for doing it, so you'd probably want to put an and in there.

3.) In the second paragraph you put too the left of us, too is the wrong form. It should be to.

4.) Also in the second paragraph you said Joel without introducing him. Now, from context clues you can tell who the Joel character is, but to make it easier to the reader, you might want to put and his best friend, Joel,...

5.) I don't know if this was on purpose or not, but in the third paragraph you said Maxx, and the rest had just Max.

6.) In the third paragraph you put Nine months later, she has two... I didn't know if the comma was really needed.

*** I like the reader's thoughts in it =D (as a side note)

7.) "'You just randomly call my house one day asking too (it should be to) meet me at the local internet cafe? (It doesn't sound like a question so shouldn't it be a period. It could be one though but...)" (4th paragraph)

8.) Finally, in the sixth paragraph you put "...under the table over there?" That wasn't a question sentence, at least I don't think it is...

Again, I love the ending, but something that just came to my mind is to make it even bigger. Like, have more of the son's reaction to this being his mom. I love the last sentence though, I wouldn't change that at all.

Great Job!

[Bud]

This is absolutely Amazing. Not just amazing, but Amazing! Very nice work, here. I think you have done a Magnificent job! I'm not the best editor, but didn't notice any grammatical errors or punctuational errors. Keep your pen wet with ink!

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

Wow this is really good JPM. I could feel the emotion and everything. Some don't know what all goes in to someone's life and yes some think they have it worse. No matter which person has it worse...it doesn't matter...everyone has hardships...we all need to realize that and not judge others so quickly.
Great Job