Let Me Tell You a Story

I really need people to review this...it's my english homework and this is part of my grade.

   Hi, my name is Courtney...and I'm going to tell you a story. And before you ask why is some stranger I've never met before, nor ever will again most likely, telling me a story? I'll tell you why...this story is about life. Not that fake crap everyone put on as their life, their little play. No, this is the story of real lives...the ones with pain, misery, lies.
   If you look around us you'll see a boy with brown hair and a green laptop too the left of us. His name is Liam Greene. His parents split up when he was ten after his father walked in on his wife and his best friend...being intimate we'll say, incase you have tender ears. Sad part is, Liam's father just went to his closet, grabbed his favorite jacket, and walked out while Joel was groaning over his wife. Liam looks like a good kid, doesn't he? Well looks can be deceiving. That boy is as high as a kite right now...not a care in the world.
   Oh and the teenage girl with the blond hair behind the counter over there? That's Maxx. She has two kids, about 6 months old. She doesn't know who the father is...eight men raped her in one night because her father forgot he was supposed to pick her up from work. She started walking home and they found her. Nine months later, she has two reminders of that event for the rest of her life. Max just started working again yesterday, she's terrified still.
  
   Miss, I don't mean to be rude...but I don't see what this has to do with me. Like you said, I don't even know you. You just randomly call my house one day asking too meet me at the local internet cafe? I don't know why you wanted to talk to me...but I don't go around talking to people who try to guess how people live their lives.

   Everything I'm telling you has a purpose, you just have to wait and see what that purpose is.
   Anyway, as I was saying, there's a little girl about six years old playing with a doll under the table over there? That's Megan Feltchel . She's been blind since her mother "accidently" dum- I mean dropped a quart of bleach in her eyes two years ago. Her mom left her daughter screaming in pain on the floor and went to go to watch TV. Her brother found her three hours later, unconscious from the pain.

   What does any of this have to do with me?! I'm not that poor boy's parents, or the men who raped that poor girl. And I would never hurt my children like that! And I would never leave them like that. I fail to see the point of this meeting. If you'll excuse me, my sons are getting out of school.

   Sit down Mister Laseon, I have one more story to tell. Then you'll see the relevance.
   About thirty years ago, there was a woman who loved her children...as much as you do yours. Unfortunately, though, she was addicted to drugs, scared from the rape that had caused her children, and almost completely blinded by her foster mother...so she didn't know how to care for her children. She had a beautiful girl and a wonderful little boy.
   One day, she came home from one of her stops and decided that since her foster father had her children for the night she'd use this as one of her free days and get high. It dulled the pain of her memories...or that's what she said anyway. About ten minutes after taking the pills, she got a call from her foster father telling her her daughter was having a serious medical problem. The woman laughed and said 'Oh that's wonderful' and hung up the phone on her father.
   The next day she found out that while high on her living room couch, her eighteen month old daughter had been fighting for her life...and lost the sixteen-hour long battle. The woman realized that she was in no condition to be a mother and gave her son up...so she would still have one of her children on this earth.

   Courtney, I feel  for whoever this woman was...or is. But that doesn't matter. This isn't my life!

   Oh but it is Kyle. You were that little boy given up by his mother. On July 19, 1979, at eleven-twenty-four I gave you to my cousin who wanted children of her own, but her and her husband couldn't. I memorized your beautiful little face and then handed you off.
   I heard about your alcohol from Cloe and I have to tell you give it up before you lose a much more important thing...or two of them. I don't want you to live the life I have because of a selfish indulgence.

   -speechless- Um, I really don't know what to say...or how to react to this.

   Simply tell an old woman that you won't have to sit your children down thirty years from today and say "Let me tell you a story."
   
 

 

Author's Note

It's two people having a conversation...

Reviews

[Andrew (not Andy, A.J. ..]

Very nice, if a wee bit confusing. It's rather hard to do a narrative like this, but I think you can pull it off. I have a few minor criticisms to (hopefully) help you.
1. '-speechless-' Gaah! This is not a chatroom through which they communicate, and even if it was, some shocked person isn't going to type out '-speechless-' Give us some stuttering or something, to SHOW us how Kyle is speechless.
2. You might try a different POV. It would be a whole lot stronger and less confusing, IMHO, in a close third person with both Kyle's and Courtney's thoughts. If you do try close third, we need to have strong, showing descriptions, a lot of body language, and thoughts of both characters. Bring them out, make them real.
3. I hate to be a grammar nazi, but you do have some grammatical errors.
I think this has buttloads of potential. You execute it well, but I think you can do it better. And if you can, this'll make a great story (not to mention it'll sell!).
Best Wishes and Highest Regards and Deepest Sincerity and Utmost Honor and All Due Respect and All That Stuff,
--Andrew

[VALORMORE DE PLUME]

I like the way you brought the story home at the end. The story has an important urgency. There is a suggestion of why read this or listen to my story. Please consider omitting any negative references to your own writing. This will alienate many readers, as pointed out in other reviews. The first paragraph in particular is supposed to hook the readers interest.
***
Courtney interrupts Kyle as he is about to leave.
"I need to tell you a story."
Kyle responds, "I'm on my way out just now. Can we do this another time?"
" It won't take too much of your time. Please it is important, for you to hear this story."
Kyle looks at the time and decides to be polite and listen to this stranger's tale.
***
Something like this will engage the readers curiosity, as it draws Kyle in to spend a few minutes listening to this stranger.
You have a gemstone here that only requires some polish to make it shine. The other reviews also lend important advice.
You have a talent for story-telling. I hope you continue to beguile us with your charm.

[Just Plain Me]

I can't remember what the assignment was now honestly...but I think the point of it was to be negative or something. I can't remember now, it was YEARS ago, but I didn't intend for it to be anything other than "dark" in a way I guess. It was about the other side of everything...how there's always going to be something behind the surface, and it's not always pretty. I'm not really sure how to explain it...honestly, how I look at it now is colored by things that hadn't happened when I was 16 so I interpret it completely differently now than I did then. lol If that makes sense.

I'm glad you enjoyed the story though. Thank you for taking the time out to review it :)

[Mila]

Very nice, and I loved the way you tied things together at the end! I did not expect what happened and I was sitting there, shocked for like ten minutes, staring at my screen like "whut".

Well done! Congrats on your win!

-Mila

[Just Plain Me]

haha Honestly, when I wrote it...I had no intention of it ending like that. I had no idea where it was going. And then this happened. And I was like "oh...crap. That's pretty cool. Who knew I could do that?!" lol
I'm glad you liked it :)

[EpicKizzy]

this is AMAZING the ending made me speechless and shaking..great write!!! i love it and im guessing u got a A++

[Adrian K. Smith]

While overall this does weave a path to a conclusion, touching upon emotion, tragedy, and the cruelty of life; the average reader may get lost long before reaching that point. Much like the son continues to ask why does he need to hear any of this, the reader may ask why they have to read any of this. The mother tells the son to be patient and that the purpose will be clear eventually. In the same fashion, you are telling the reader to be patient. They may decide...no. I did read through it, because it came as a request. I am sure if requested, most would read through. For others though, without the hook - some reason offered why this may have any meaning to them early on - they may not show the patience commanded of them...

[harpertess]

wow..this was wonderful,
and i wasn't expecting
the ending at all.
verrryy gooodd:)

[Victoria Harlequin]

That's not what I was expecting whatsoever.. I really don't know how to respond to this. I will say that the form is excellent and the meaning is 'wow' worthy.

Great write!

[Samantha Altrosse]

-I like the way that this is written out in conversation format.
-I also like the fact that you are narrating from the woman's point of view without stating it directly.
-Written down well, you hid the point of it till the end...

Now, move on to greater things!

My One Critique: A few (tolerable) spelling errors.

[Winter McPherson]

It's well written and has a deep message.

[Dimples87]

Wow, this story does go deeper than I expected it to. It's also great that you were able to add so much detail and give so much to the story in such a short time. Great write! Loved it.