and i saw you

i was 16

that day was just supposed to be a normal day

nothing special

nobody special

i went to your brother's birthday party

there was a total of seven people there

your brother, your mother, your father, my friend, your friend...

you and i.

as the noises raged

cake cutting and music and the sounds of my guitar

i heard the stairs in this house that i was unaware of begin to creak

i turned around as you were coming down the stairs

and i saw you

your hair and eyes shone

even in your lazy clothes

a navy blue hoodie

and sweatpants

i had no f*****g clue what you would mean to me

i asked you out about a month later

and after three tries you finally said yes

one month later we kissed for the first time and my head swam in whole galaxies of stars

six months after we gave each other everything

one year after we began to argue

approximately 379 days later i discovered that i hated your friends and you hated mine

15 months after we began to drift

16 months later you began to look at me differently

17 months later you told me if this didn't change you would have to leave

you told me it was my fault

18 months later we went out to dinner to celebrate our year and a half anniversary

and i f*****g bitched about your friends the entire meal

22 consecutive months later you kissed me and said you loved me

and one hour and twenty minutes later...

you told me you still loved me but that you didn't want to do this anymore

for three months i decided that the appropriate response was to feel that life was not worth it anymore

for three months i cried

for three goddamn unholy months i sat there

wondering why i wasn't good enough

and why i should even be here

you told me you didn't care

i wasn't your responsibility anymore

somebody else picked me up that time

and when they were gone...

i picked myself up

because everyone i had ever had 

left me

because you told them all that i was some monster

i picked myself up and continued to pick myself up every day for over a year

and now, almost 48 months after that first day when i saw you for the first moment

i no longer need to pick myself up for you

i no longer wince when i hear your name

i haven't shed a tear for you in almost two years

i no longer wonder why i wasn't good enough

but i could still write books on the way you look

the way you act

the way you talk

the way we were

and the way you made me felt

both during and after those times

we talk everyday now

but let's both face it

it's awkward and it always will be

if i could go back in time, i would change the way i acted

i do not miss you

i don't even know you anymore

but goddamn do i miss you

the old you

the old us

the old me

and goddamn do i miss that f*****g summer