Just doesn't make sense

A Story by Maria

It's honestly about the feeling of not understanding what's going on.

Just recently I have experienced something new to me. With being ignorant to love and not understanding what it is honestly about. I don't want it to be a typical story of a tragic break up. It is unlike all the other relationships that have not worked out. It was very complicated and quite intense. Let me start by saying life definitely handed me a lot to endure lately and I'm okay with that.

The last two months have been the most horrific months I could have possibly experienced. Being almost 24 and seeing a lot of things that I have seen in my life love has taken the award for the most tiring thing to go through. It was a battle with myself, my family, my friends, and for the person I was with. I let fear and worry take control of my relationship and I ran like a coward.

I was dating someone for a year and a couple of months it was honestly the best relationship I have ever had. It was with someone that I truly loved and someone that I cherished. This person made me feel what no one has before allowing me to understand what a relationship was and how a person should be treated. This person changed my whole outlook on life and my understanding of what it truly meant to be taken care of. Every month that passed by in our relationship just allowed us to grow closer and become more intimate with each other. Allowing me to feel comfortable in my own skin because this person made me feel beautiful when I felt the lowest about myself. Wit every touch I felt the love, every hug I knew what this person felt, with every kiss my breath was taken away, and with every look in my eyes I saw their heart and knew I existed in there.

Now, many ask me why I ended things with her if it was just so perfect. Honestly, I think about this choice everyday and it has haunted me till this very day. I ended things because she wanted me forever and I was scared of the word forever. Scared of what It meant in the long run. Scared of what I had to sacrifice to be with this person. You see with those thoughts haunting me I ran like a coward like I always do. Loving you meant that I would possibly lose my family and some of my friends. To be judged upon what my action was and not who I was. I loved you and I was scared to be left alone with out anyone to back me up or be my backbone in life. I was scared that my mother who I cherished so much would shut me out of her life completely.

I wanted to be able to bring someone home in the near future, to take to weddings or dinner parties. With my family being so stuck in a world that they didn't know better I would not be able to do that. I was not able to understand what life meant with out any of them in it. After ending things with you my world completely transformed into something that was so new to me. Something that has nearly destroyed me and allowed me to reject my thoughts and who I have become. It took a life changing event to happen to someone in my life to understand how precious life really was.

I needed a change a change that allowed me to look forward to happiness and reject what everyone else had to say. If my parents loved me so much they would accept me and the person I'm in love with and if they couldn't then they would lose me. My happiness is the most important thing to me now. My happiness with you. I know it seems like a little too late but I wish you would just stop playing games with my emotions and just take me back. This back and forth game if you love me and want to be with me again is killing me. If you were trying to get me back for the way I hurt you I understand but I feel like I'm being dragged and being taken control of completely. I want to love you fully and you wont give me that chance.

I need relief and I want you to want me and now. Not tomorrow, not the day after but today.