Untitled

Just the Beginning. I need to know if I should keep going.

Shadows all around me seemed to hang on my shoulders. Noises seemed to repeat themselves in my ear. The more I walked the darker it got. This place was freaking me out and I wasn’t even supposed to be here. They why did I come? Long Story.

See, I didn’t actually walk or ride to this scary place. I accidentally just plopped here. At my grandma’s house there is secret room that no one is allowed into. Well, when I was little I was way to scared to go inside. But, as I got older I really wanted to check the room out. The room was begging me to. So, this morning I opened the door to the secret room and went inside. Everything seemed normal, I mean there was nothing but a bunch of jewelry. I picked up a gorgeous black necklace and put it on. Next thing I know I was here. In a black, noisy, creepy forest.

I was afraid to even take a step. I was too afraid that I would step on a snake and then it would squeeze the life out of me. Or maybe a serial killer would stab a knife in my back. I could tell that my imagination was getting the best of me. I put my hand around my neck to see if the necklace was still there. It was. I tried pulling it off, but it was like it was super glued to my neck. I kept walking and then I noticed a faint light. I walked closer to it. I realized that there was stairs and I walked down them. I came to a room that was painted orange and a yellow chairs. There were no signs and I had no clue what was going on. The only thing I saw in this bright room was a light brown door that said wait.

I waited for an hour. I was getting hungry and obviously this place was not doing anything for me, but making me blind. I stood up and prepared to leave the room. I had no idea where I was going though. I started walking back down the stairs, but then I heard someone yell my name. I stopped. All of a sudden I could feel myself being lifted off of the ground!

I was flying, flying backwards that is. Then I was still, I was in the air though. Bam! I fell onto the ground hard. I lifted my face off of the ground and looked up. I was staring into the eyes of a freaky looking lady. She had black scraggly hair, red piercing eyes, her nose was set crooked on her face and her fingers were long with black fingernails. She was wearing a purple dress that was torn. She looked me in the eye. I stared at the ground. She quickly grabbed my hand and dragged me behind the door that said Wait.

I opened my eyes and shut them again. Lights seemed to be all around. I opened my eyes in a squint to look around. Nothing but lights. I felt like I was in a maze except the was no way out. There were no doors. Nothing but light. Then I heard a noise. I looked around for a clock, but there wasn’t one. I hoped that maybe it was someone trying to save me. My thoughts were interrupted by a voice. I very scraggly but powerful voice.

I only heard the voice once. I couldn’t see anything or anyone. Then, I heard the voice again. I couldn’t understand what the voice was saying. In fact the voice was more like a grunt. I felt around my neck to see if the necklace was on me still. Nope, it was gone. Who would’ve taken it? Not that I actually wanted it, but still. The necklace wasn’t even mine. I considered the fact that the creepy lady could have taken it. I stood up and decided to go look around. I walked a couple of steps without hearing the voice. I walk and walked. Another door. I slowly turned the knob. The door flew open and sucked me in. Bam! I hit the ground again.

Author's Note

What do you think? Tell me any errors.

Reviews

[Pax Analog]

You established a riveting mood of suspense, of an anxious thrill re the unknown. I'd lose the early "seemed" and let it hang with full weight. And there are typos you can probably find yourself. Also, Eagle's comments re breaking up into smaller paragraphs is a good idea. I can help you tighten it all up, as I'm a pro copy editor, besides being writer with real paid credits.

Here's the thing: Tho' I just started yesterday, and gave a whole slew of good little reviews, no one has reviewed my opening brief book installment. I got plenty of "thank you" notes, etc., but not a single review. Now, I know what the writing is, so it's not critical, but what the hey, I want to know how it affects a wide range of scribes, deeply savvy or not. So my spontaneous inclination is to offer my full editorial experience to your efforts, in exchange for a brief review. It doesn't matter how "sophisto" it is; I've already gotten that kind of feedback elsewhere. I signed on here to see what the interaction would be in a more general environment.

To reiterate: You established a strong mood, and yes you should continue. I can help you clean up typos, and tighten syntax. If you like what I've said, drop me a few review lines. You have a strong feeling for your material, so keep on writing.

[Eagle Cruagh]

This story is loaded with vitality showing the super
imagination and bursting energy of the writer.

Errors ?
Well, we all fill our pages with errors. You have done
the most important thing, you have streamed your subconscious
on to the page. Now---- edit ! What that means is; go gack and
read your writing before you post it. Read it critically, look for
errors. You can see errors as well as the reader, just read it .

Break up your story in to spaced paragraphs. It is tiresome to read
an entire page without breaks, some readers will leave it before they
have finished the page, so break it up.

Now ! In spite of our criticism, most people will find this story fascinating
and look for the secrets hidden behind the words.
KEEP WRITING ! WRITE, WRITE, WRITE !

You have a remarkable imagination. Excellent !

----- Eagle Cruagh

[Joseph - Michael]

There are quite several errors in this piece. I'll tell you what's wrong really quick; First of all, you can't always start the paragraphs with " I " You still can use it every once in a while, but not for the very first parapragh and not too much of it when starting the sentences. Secondly, it's always the best to revise the writings (as in proof reading for spellings, grammars, and so on) and make at least half of the sentences fill with details as much as you could write down. Don't worry about fixing it right away, just whenever you get the time and the patiences to go back to make it better.

So, all I can say is that it's pretty good for a starter, but it take time to improve your writing skills eventually. Believe me, I've done the same thing when I first started and I've been improving every since. Just don't stop writing, keep on going, then you'll do just fine afterward...