I Remember...

I Love You

I've been thinking,
Of those beautiful moments,
That we shared together,
Those beautiful moments,
I'll remember forever.

I remember you and me,
Looking into the windows,
Of our souls, knowing,
Together we were whole.

I remember you and me,
Locking lips with my hands,
On your hips, whispering,

 How our bond is tied,

How I'll be by your side.

And now I remember,
When we were together,
I meant it when I said,
I'll Love You Forever.

Author's Note

Give me your honest opinion on everything...

Reviews

[Rainbow Rider]

This is a nice write, but, (yeah there is always that but, lol) You have too many different numbered lines to make it flow smoothly. Also I think it reads better if you switch the 'me and you' around to read 'you and me'. Here is what I mean by the numbered lines.


I've been thinking, (4)
Of those beautiful moments, (7)
That we shared together, (6) {Could technicaly be counted as 7 with "shared"
Those beautiful moments, (6)
I'll remember forever. (7) Total =30 {or 31}

I remember me and you, (7)
Looking into the windows, (7)
Of our souls, (3)
Knowing togther we were whole. (8) Total=25

I remember me and you, (7)
Locking lips, (3)
With my hands, (3)
On your hips. (3) Total=16

And now I remember, (6)
When we were together, (6)
I meant it, (3)
When I said, (3)
I'll Love You Forever.(6) Total=24

The feelings of your words are carried to the reader, but a little more consistency or the numbers would make it more flowing. You do have the Five-Four-Four-Five lines correct, but the numbers per line throws off the flow.

The reason I suggest switching the 'Me and You' around is found in the second stanza. If you read it out loud the way it is written, the natural break would come after the word 'Into', because they rhyme and cause the reader to pause at the rhyme. (Plus it's better grammer lol)

The first part is perfect! Poetry is not an exact science, so if you like this I would suggest leaving it as is because it does convey your thoughts and feelings nicely. But from a purely flowing aspect, a few tweaks could make it flow nicer.

Hope I wasn't to rough on you for your first post. keep writting and welcome to the Cafe.

[Junior]

Yeah, yeah. I know I'm 3 years late but my adolescent self wouldn't let me confront the errors in this poem. Haha but I do thank you, I finally was able to come back to my writing and I would like another review if you would. This poem is still to the same wonderful person I'm with now and we have a beautiful baby boy now, I would like to read this newer revised version of the same poem that I read to her years ago. :) I thank you in advance if you can take the time.