What I want to say

what i really want to say, but will never be able to.

Transfer Essay

Why Transfer? I wish I could tell you exactly why I wanted this so much. I wish I could tell you that if you allow me to do this I would owe you my life. I wish I could tell you I’m doing this to allow myself to be happy again.

How I think it would be so easy to just give up right now.

But no, that’s not what you want to hear because honestly you don’t care. You are looking out for bullshit reasons like academic learning environment problems or lack of resources.

You won’t care that I am in pain everyday that I go to sleep knowing I won’t be able to see my family the next day, knowing that I will be alone for the 10 weeks straight for the next 4 years. I am in pain everyday when I wake and lose motivation to continue fighting I am lost and so alone. But I can’t tell you that, instead I’ll have to say some bullshit like the classes and ambiance of the school were not the right fit for me. No s**t they weren’t I have no one I care about here, everyone is too damn busy to sit and have a conversation with about how things are truly going. Every single damn time someone has asked how things are going they give me 1 minute before they cut me off trying to give their amazingly useful insight that I have definitely not heard a thousand times before.

My grades are s**t I will admit that, but not because I am not working hard. I made a mistake and it is not because I didn’t try, in fact I probably tried too hard! When has that ever been a negative? I tried to take tough classes and it fucked me up, to the point where everything compiled together to the point where I had suicidal thoughts. I am hurt and I probably did die along the point my body is constantly in pain, my heart is broken, my brain is shutting down. But that’s not what you want to hear, you want to listen to the fake pain I feel about the lack of support but not getting into the details that matter. You want to know my pain? I went from one of the happiest most uplifting people in this world to the lowest and most depressing and pathetic person I have met.

Why transfer? Why should you let me in? Because you will save a life, and at this point I wouldn’t blame you for not caring because this life is so sad and full of pain to the point where I think leaving me here to rot would be for the best. I can’t guarantee I will do well over there either, but at least in between all my stress I will be able to seek comfort between the people that I love and that hold me close. At least I’ll die a happy man. How’s that for 650 words?

Author's Note

Honestly i did not spend more than 10 minutes on this. It's not mean as a hard hitting expose, but just as me rambling about this dumb process where we all know the real unspoken rules.