Power

"the power of the mind is stronger than anything else in this world"

There are two sources of motivation or power in this world. Anger, sadness, fear and rage make up one of them, and the other one is comprised of joy, love, happiness and positivity.

Up to this point I have almost always have that positive mindset and I have lived a pretty happy life regardless of where I come from, because of how grateful I was with what  I had. I didn’t have everything growing up. I remember the selfish materialistic kid at 10 within me asking my parents why I didn’t had the newest gaming console that my friends had. I remember my mom telling me you have a family that supports you, which she implied was better, of course the easily impressionable child within me wasn’t able to understand the value of that. That kid that had that new gaming console is now working in a car wash because his dad was never there and his mother went back to Mexico leaving him alone in the States.

It was at this point where I realized I had something special, unlike many of the families in my community my parents are together and we have a strong family. I never noticed how much this could really affect the mindset of someone.

I was crafted and molded to be appreciative (once I understood the meaning of that word). Up to this point I had been covered in love. Even when things weren’t perfect there was a way out and a way to be able to bounce back because of the people holding my back. They were my source of power, my motivation; my best friend turned into my girlfriend and gave me much more than what I needed. I was unstoppable because every time I was feeling down I was immediately doused in love.

However, now I have experienced both types of power. To say that my experience in college so far have been bad would be an understatement. Things have been complete s**t and I hate the place. I am an introvert, and the worst kind which expects people to come to him, that’s not happening and I feel so lonely. My classes were way to tough to deal with, and I fell into depression with the lack of my family by my side, a pot smoking roommate that brings back temptations which I have so long buried, and classes were I feel lost and alone. I am nobody, and I don’t matter here. In all honesty if I were to die I doubt anybody would bat an eye in this school. In fact, I took that to heart and I almost had suicidal thoughts. This led to a spiral of anger and sadness that pushes me to work my a*s off and to do as many things as possible, to “prove” that I matter. But the problem is that it is not sustainable in this little power surge I have lost sleep( to about 4-5 hours on some days) and have now realized that I bleed from my nose at least once a day when I didn’t use to. Anger and sadness is not a sustainable motivation because what I was doing was running from it. Anybody who is in this situation, seek out help. Tell someone your story because if not you will be reduce to a skeleton of your old self. Even now that I realize this, I noticed my mental health has been severely affected and I am not sure if it will go back, my body feels 20 years older, and even when I smile it is not with the same happiness and glow of joy as it was before the move.

Today I change back to the using my people back home as motivation and their love. My parents have no idea of my situation, but I want to keep them with that feeling that I am doing great because I can still feel there and there joy brings me joy. I am a person that thrives in  situations that he is not suppose to. I am a person that loves to laugh and to make others smile, the past month has made me forget who I really was. Making me a depressed and conforming person rather than someone who finds a way to make it through. Because of this I think I have caused myself harm that I will never repair once again, but I now know much better who I want to be as a result of hitting this new low in my life.