Technically Difficult

It's like a quilt in its sewn-togetherness, or some such nonsense. Five-seven minutes.

Cast
James- computer repairman, ever busy
Peter- ex Eyemasters employee, future novelist

Time
About 4 in the afternoon

Place
The guys' living room

Setting
James is fixing a computer, Peter enters.

PETER (groans, sits on the couch and starts channel surfing.)
Is Mrs. Jensen's computer coming along, man?

JAMES
No until yes.

PETER
What's up?

JAMES
We're having some technical difficulties.
 
PETER
God, what a sucky day.

JAMES
What's up, man?

PETER
I got fired.

JAMES
Dude! How'd you do that? You work at Eyemasters! What'd you do, finally write bad words on that eye chart thing?

PETER
No, there was... a mistake.

JAMES
uh-huh. Care to share?

PETER
Well, remember that girl I told you about who came into the store last week?

JAMES
The 8 year old who threw a lollipop at your head?

PETER
No no no, the blond with 400/20 vision.

JAMES
Ohhh right.

PETER
Yeah, well, I figured "Her eyesight's so bad, my looks can't matter much, I might have a chance with this one."

JAMES
Nice, dude. (He bangs on the computer)

PETER
How's it going with that computer now?

JAMES
Our technical difficulties are having technical difficulties. Continue your story.

PETER
So I kept an eye on her order, and I stuck a note with my name and phone number in her glasses case...

JAMES
And?

PETER
Ok, so her last name was Hutchinson, right? The same day she's supposed to come get her order, some old man named Hutchins comes in, and accidentally gets her glasses.

JAMES
Oh, jeez. This can't have ended well.

PETER
Well it's kind of obvious it didn't, isn't it? When they were doing the whole fitting thing he sees the note and flips out. Starts yelling about how he doesn't appreciate being called "The sexiest thing on two legs." And he wasn't satisfied with his pink bifocals, but that's besides the point. Obviously they knew who did it, and where to call me, and... the rest is history. Any progress with that thing?

JAMES
Uh, well, the third generation of technical difficulties seem to be exhibiting rudimentary intelligence, and appear to be making plans to invade Montreal.

PETER
Why invade Canada?

JAMES
Open your ears, I said rudimentary intelligence.

PETER
So no luck then?

JAMES
No, I would say not. So what were you going to do now, workwise?

PETER
Well, I was thinking about it on the way home, and I kinda figure I want to do something that I could do at home.

JAMES
Oh god, you're not gonna start selling real estate or something, are you? You need to quit watching those 2 a.m. infomercials, dude, you're not gonna be a millionaire in two weeks-

PETER
No no no, I was thinking of writing something. Like a book or something.

JAMES
what about?

PETER
Well, I figured I'd write about my friends but, like, not my friends. We'd all have superpowers, like we could change into animals or something.

JAMES
Hey, that could be cool. I wanna save the world.
 
PETER
What's your favorite animal?

JAMES
Uhh... I'd say, bear.

PETER
Well what kind?

JAMES
Just a bear.

PETER
But there's a lot of different kinds of bears.

JAMES
Fine, pandas. Pandas are cute, chicks dig 'em.

PETER
Those aren't actually bears, technically.

JAMES
You're kidding?

PETER
No, they're more closely related to the raccoon.

JAMES
You're kidding! Fine, koalas. Girls like koalas too, right?

PETER
Wow, koala, you're aiming for the upper end of badassness right there. But they're not bears either they're-

JAMES
More closely related to the penguin, I get it. So, what answer can I give that is a bear?

PETER
Well, there's black bears, brown bears, polar bears, grizzly bears-

JAMES
Fine, polar bear! (Getting frustrated with the computer) Aw, jeez, what now?

PETER
Making any progress?

JAMES (sitting back)
Well, the technical difficulties have agreed to work with us, if we meet their demands.

PETER
What are those?

JAMES
They want thirty pounds of Canadian bacon, a scale model of the Stanley cup, as well as a jacuzzi in the shape of a maple leaf.

PETER
Well let me know if you make headway in the negotiations, eh?

JAMES
Will do. (goes back to work)

PETER
Did you know, polar bears are the bear most likely to kill a human being?

JAMES
One dumb enough to wander into the north pole, I guess.

PETER
But, I mean, bears generally are not that violent. Did you know you're more likely to get attacked by a ferret than a grizzly bear?

JAMES
Where'd you hear that?

PETER
A diet mountain dew commercial.

JAMES
Wow, that's credible.

PETER
Was that sarcastic?

JAMES
No, of course not, they're trying to sell you something, why would they lie to you?

PETER
Well, I believe it. I don't see how saying that your ferret's gonna take off a couple of your fingers is gonna sell more dew.

JAMES
No, hey, I believe you, I'm just saying that a diet mountain dew commercial, on the credibility scale, is above the National Enquirer but definitely somewhere below Mythbusters.

PETER
Oh man, I saw this awesome episode yesterday where they proved you can get past motion detectors if you move really slow.

JAMES
Yeah?

PETER
Yeah, but you can't use powder to find most laser beams nowadays. So Bogus.

JAMES
Sounds like you're pretty well informed.

PETER
Yeah, well, I have to be, I'm writing a book. If I watch enough tv, this thing will write itself.

JAMES
So, mountain dew says ferrets are more bad a*s than grizzly bears? Maybe I should be one of them, then. The bad guys'll never see it coming.

PETER
Oh yeah, totally, you could run covert operations and spy on people.

JAMES
Yeah, and then just frikkin attack 'em when they're not looking! Throw 'em off guard. (acts like villain) The death ray is almost completed! Soon we will be ready to take the world hostage, and no one can stop us now! The only people who know about it are you, my evil minion, and that ferret over there! MWAHAHAHAHA Wait, what's it doing? It's coming towards us! (pretends to be attacked by ferret) AHHHHH (calms down and goes back to work on the computer.)

PETER
Sweet.

JAMES
AHA! Good news!

PETER
What's up in technical difficulty land?

JAMES
There's been a coup.

PETER
Oh really?

JAMES
Yeah, the technical difficulties were vying amongst themselves to become prime minister, there was a brief struggle, and they cancelled each other out. So, we are now fully operational.

PETER
Excellent!

JAMES
yeah, so we can live on Mrs. Jensen's fee until you sell that best seller you got cookin'.

PETER
That's good news.

(They both sigh)


PETER
Is today over yet?

JAMES
Sure, dude.

 

LIGHTS DOWN