On Days Like This

A familiar scent, a song, a taste, can transport you back to a memory.

On days like this, I remember you. Your vibrant smile, mouth wide-open laugh that no one could contain, your fiery red hair so unruly like you; all things I remember on a day like this. I sit at my desk starring out at the rain coming down, washing the earth. The urge to run and play is unbearable. On the way to work, my daughter dreamily murmured how much she liked the rain back at her grandparents. It was a cool summer rain that would come out of nowhere on a hot sticky day.

 

You and I would catch each other’s impish glance during class. It wasn’t really a matter of catching my glance. You would be gazing out the window with such a loving gaze at the rain coming down. I often wished I were the subject of that longing. That just once you would look my way and keep that warm look in your eyes. Just once, say the words I longed to hear. I would stare at you on days like that unable to take my thoughts away from daydreams of you and me.

 

Soon or later, something would drag you out of that wonderland and back to reality and a big pout would replace the smile. I giggle even now thinking about that pout. Such an exaggerate mope, such an exaggerate view of the world, like a child who just was told they can’t keep the puppy that followed them home. Always looking for a distraction, my giggle would catch your attention and that impish grin wouldn’t be far behind, devious, something was stirring in your mind and it had nothing to do with class.

 

It was so hot that day. One of those humid east coast days were your clothes feel glued on, your whole body would feel sticky and gross and make you walk around not touching anything for the disgust of feeling that stickiness. I try to listen to the professor talking about Gregorian chant, but I can see you out of the corner of my eye, noisily gathering your books, prepared to blot at any time. Yep, and there you go out the door smiling shooting a look at me on the way out. I wished I could have your childish zest for life, the careless abandonment that you embrace every chance with. I wanted to be one of the things that you ate up, drank in, and cherished like your favorite pair of blue jeans.

Right about then I really hated myself. I was rigid, boring, predictable, way too serious. All the things you probably despised and I wondered why you were even my friend. I sat there with a sick feeling in my stomach, like some huge opportunity was passing me by that I would never get again and I was just sitting there sadly waving. There were no chains holding me back and I was acing the class so what was there but fear. Fear of getting to know you better, fear that if that happened maybe you would find out all those boring things about me and not like me anymore.

I stared at your empty seat and the rain coming down. I watched the droplets form on the windowpane. Two drops joined, grew heavy, slowly trickled then gained weight and made a mad dash to the bottom. I could feel the anxiety building and I fidgeted in my seat. I think I left my books there determined that I was just taking a bathroom break, but you were there standing in the hallway waiting for me. “What took you so long?” You grabbed my hand and started running to the door. I didn’t have a reply, I wanted to argue and go back to class, but more of me wanted to stay holding your warm hand. More of me wanted to see how much closer I could get and like that, I was under your spell.

 

You raced towards the door and flung it open, the rain hit me and in seconds, I was drenched. My hair stuck to my faced and whipped against my cheeks in the wind. My clothes clung to my body. Rain dripped from my head and down my nose. I tried to keep up with you and let loose. You raced ahead kicking leaves, stomping in puddles and laughing like a child. I gasped when you jumped in a particularly muddy puddle and splashed dirty water on me. You laughed at me as I glared annoyed and partly wishing I would’ve stayed inside. Then you jumped again laughing. You were enjoying yourself and I wished I could too. Then you came close to me. Close enough for me to feel the warmth of your body close enough that if I just leaned in I could kiss away the rain on your lips. You peered in my eyes and whispered, “Catch me if you can” and you bolted.

 

 

It took me a moment. I looked around to see if anyone was watching but you were taunting me and soon the last bit of prim and proper left my body and I chased after you. I caught you half way up the big hill that we would sled ride on in the winter. I tackled you to the ground and we slid down in the mud and grass laughing. We laid there on our backs on the wet earth with the rain coming down. You shouted to the gods above challenging them to make it rain harder. I was soaked to the bone, covered in mud and grass, cold and horribly uncomfortable but I didn’t care. I rolled on my side and gazed at you. You nudged in closer to me, you’re initial zeal was fading. The child like enjoyment one your face was replaced by a look I had never seen on you. There was peace and sadness. There was anger and longing. You closed your eyes and tilted your head to the sky to let the rain wash over you. I did the same.

 

There we stayed, arms and legs spread out and faces to the sky asking to be washed of our sins, all or regrets. I prayed to the heavens for more moments like this. I asked God to burn this memory in my mind and soul, to never loose this feeling let me could carry it always, so I could carry you with me always. I opened my eyes and you were there staring down at me. “What were you just thinking?” My cheeks burned with embarrassment in the cold rain at thought of confessing my thoughts and desires to you. I looked away, but you just pressed closer. You were so close to me I wanted to pull you into me. My heart was racing. I tried to act as if I was completely comfortable with the moment but your body was pressed against mine. I could feel your wet skin slide against mine and I stuttered my answer, a lie. “I was just thinking about everyone back in class,” I said. It was a lie. I was thinking about kissing you. I was thinking about spending time with you, holidays, I was planning our future. I was pathetic. You rested your head on my shoulder and we stayed there in the rain. You began confessing things to me that I felt guilty listening to. I felt like an imposter, a spy invading on enemy territory, a traitor for lying. I tried to find something profound to match your confessions but I had nothing. My life was so boring compared to yours and I was enjoying listening to the timbre of your voice, soft and soothing, haunting and spell binding.

 

It stopped raining and you said you were hungry. You begged me to go with you but I couldn’t bear being around you one more moment. I lied again and said I needed to change and then get my books from class. I gave you a hard time for making me leave my textbooks behind and getting my clothes dirty. You looked hurt and I wanted to confess. If I spent one more moment with you, it would be impossible for me to stop myself from pulling you close and kissing you. It would be impossible to ignore the desire to make you mine. I should’ve known how much you wanted me to confess. I should’ve seen how much you wanted me to do just that.

 

You shrugged and walked away. I wanted to chase you. I wanted to walk with you holding your hand, but like an idiot, I sat and watched your silhouette shrinking in the distance. I didn’t want to go back to my room; it would be dank and lonely. I didn’t want to be around my friends. I didn’t want to answer any questions about where I had been and what I was doing. I didn’t want to hear the comments, jokes or acquisitions.  I was angry and alone with no one to yell at. I wondered to the top of the hill wishing it were a cliff I could jump off. I dropped to my knees and pounded the wet earth with my fists. I screamed at God cursing him for my cowardice. Tears of frustration ran down my cheeks. I sat there until the tears stopped and then I wandered the woods until the thoughts subsided. Finally, I found my way back to the dorms. I kept my head down to avoid talking to anyone. I’m sure I looked horrible, matted and dirty. I laughed bitterly, thinking about all the rumors that were about to start whirling.

 

My head was down when I came to my hallway and was startled by you standing at my door. “Where were you?” you were so accusing with your eyes like daggers. As usual with you, I couldn’t find the courage to say the words, to tell the truth. I just kept my head down and tried to get my keys to the door, but you moved in my way. It would be easier on me just not be your friend, so much easier to admire you from a distance. Why did you keep coming back? “I brought your books.” I took them and set them on the floor. I just hoped that you would leave. Instead, you lifted my face to look in my eyes. I tried to look away but you just followed my gaze. It felt as if you were reading my mind.

 

 

Then it happened. You kissed me. Your sweet lips pressed against mine. I tensed at your touch my mind reeling. I breathed in deep and could still smell the scent of wet grass, rain and a soft musk. I squeezed my eyes shut afraid it might be a dream and I would do anything not to wake up. You pulled me closer, your body pressed against mine and I held you tight. The world spun my thoughts whirled. You drew closer and whispered in my ear “Don’t ever leave me.” Your tone was bewitching and a little threatening. A nervous chill rushed up my spine. Without looking at me, you left.

 

On days like this, I remember you. I remember the cold rain, the anger and frustration. I remember chasing you to the hill and the exhilaration. Above all, I remember that kiss and the fun we had. I remember you and how you taught me to let go of other’s expectations, to live my own life and not someone else’s, to live and not just go through life. Most days, I forget all that. I go through life just coping. Maybe today, I’ll go home early and run in the rain with my daughter. I’ll make sure to teach her to embrace every happy moment. I’ll teach her not to be so wrapped up in the large opportunities that she watches the little ones pass her by. I’ll teach her to be more like you and less like me.