Chapter one

Now its a book! Lol I love this start! I wrote it down before I had any idea of what I was writing ABOUT!

Maco crossed her fingers and waited as the wheel for the raffle cage turned over and over again. This was her last chance. She’d spent all of her money on that ticket…Her last few dollars that she’d scraped out of the bottom of the coin jar. If she didn’t win, she’d have to go back to the streets. She didn’t want that. The streets were horrible, full of angry, abusive men and pain. But if she had to she would, only for Justin. No one else could drive her enough to go back. Only the big blue eyes of her baby brother. Justin was sickly, with black hair and fair skin. He looked just like her. He was her ray of light in a dark world, the only thing that ever made her smile.  Maco peered over the heads of the sea of people. Being 6’ tall it was easy for her to see that the wheel was slowing down. The wheel got slower and slower very slowly…Agonizingly so. She looked at her ticket; the number was in big red block numbers and had been stamped on to a little yellow ticket. "25" it said. Macos’ stomach roiled. She wasn’t sure if it was out of hunger or a mixture of excitement and pure agonizing fear. Of course, she would never admit to fear. Fear meant she was weak, and weakness meant that she couldn’t take care of Justin. She wouldn’t even admit it to herself. She was scared, scared that the last 3 dollars that she and her brother had would go to waist on a gamble, a gamble for 2,000 dollars. If she won she’d have enough money to take care of Justin for months…but if she lost…if she lost she would walk back to the park where her brother hid in the bushes…empty handed. He would be scared, and she would comfort him. But she would always feel like it was her fault. Her fault her parents dropped them in the street of this god-forsaken town. Her fault that her little brother had to sleep on the hard ground, without a blanket, without a pillow…without the love of a mother or father. Her fault that he had to be witness to this hard, unsympathetic world. After all…she was the freak. She was the one who burned everything she touched. Light fire to the curtains, her favorite dresses. She was the girl of flame...

 

Reviews

[Jessi Berlasty]

"If she didn’t win(,) she’d have to go back to the streets." "O(o)nly for Justin." "25 it said." Write the number out or put it in quotation marks. "Of course(,) she would never admit to fear." "If she won(,) she’d have enough money"

Wow, that was definitely an interesting start. Can't wait to read more.

[Nikolai J. Ryker]

i like it =) cant wait to read more

[Rene Velez]

cool chapter, the character build up is nice, there is depth to the relationship, and good imagery, I wanted more about what actually happened that they were homeless

[NotEasilyBroken]

The first few sentences were quite uninteresting but then it picked up and I hope to read more (:
-K

[.quan.011.]

It is a good start for this story. I wish you put a little more descriptive in it, but it still is god.

[al25]

Seems interesting. So...so far so good.

[Short.Nerd]

I like the start of this:)

[Kyle]

I like the beginning. But your format needs to change. You need more spacing. Spacing out your words into shorter paragraphs would make it easier to read too.

[Audrey Howitt]

A lot of conflict set up from the start and a lot of ways to go even from the one paragraph. Great start!

[Cherrie Palmer]

Your story has a lot of story line possibilities. I think it’s a good start, and that you should weave a little more info into the opening.