Chapter one: Charlie

Charlies life takes and unexpected twist.

“Earth to Charlie!” Payton said, pulling me back to what is real and present. I blinked focusing on his face. He was handsome, in a boyish way. He had freckles and flaming red hair sticking out in random directions. He looked like Hansel from the children’s book, but he somehow managed to have a ‘bad boy’ look. His lips were moving but I couldn’t hear anything.

“Sorry, what?”  I stuttered, mentally shaking myself.

“I said what do you want to eat?” He murmured glancing up. I followed his gaze. He was looking apologetically at the waitress who seemed out of nowhere.

“Oh, um” I picked the first think I saw on the menu “I’ll have the…Chicken parmesan” I said and handed her the menu.

“Where do you go?” Peyton said curiously.

“Ireland.” I chuckle in return. Payton laughed with me. We were still having soft outbursts of silly giggles when the waitress returned with our food.

“I’ll be right back with your milk shakes.” She said in a tight, uncomfortably pleasant voice.

“When did we order milk shakes?” I said, puzzled.

“While you were in ‘Wonder Land’-I mean Ireland!” He laughed, but was cut off by a deep gravelly voice.

“Don’t move or make one peep, or ill shoot.” The voice said, prodding me hard in the back. I gasped.

“What do you want?” Payton said, sounding panicked, and pissed.

“I just want to chat.” The voice said as its owner made its way to the seat next to me, always keeping the gun on me and dragging it around me until it was in my stomach. My abs tightened.

"What are your names?” the man asked managing to sound pleasant, like we were old friends, neither of us answered.

“Now come on, let’s not be rude.” He said prodding me harder.

“Fine I’ll go first: He said leaving no room for us to reply. “I’m Hieronymus Nineveh Xeroxes. Now it’s your turn.” He said calmly.

“Payton Mitchell Smith.” Payton said, breathing heavily, angrily.

“Hmm…Very nice to meet you Payton.” He said then he looked at me.

“And you? What is your name my blond beauty?” He said gently, almost…lovingly.

“Ch-Charlie-“I said but he cut me off.

“Charlie Zaria Snow” He whispered. I looked up at him startled. I hadn’t been looking at him, I had been too focused on the gun, but now that I had, I couldn’t look away. He was gorgeous, and it felt like I knew him but every time I tried to remember where I’d seen him the idea totally escaped my mind.

“How did you know that?” I said no longer scared, but dazed.

“I know a lot about you Charlie.” He said softly, his blue eyes piercing mine. “I know more about you about you than you know about yourself.” He said, whispering again, and leaning closer.

“Here’s one milk shake for you and one more for you.” The waitress said. I didn’t look away from the boy with the gun, who knew my name.

“Oh, you have a guest. How may I help you sir?” she said in her high squeaky voice.

“Nothing for me, thank you” He purred. When she was gone no one spoke. We only stared at ear other. Finally Payton broke the silence.

“Listen…?”

“Hieronymus” He said inserting his name into Payton’s speech.

“Hieronymus, I don’t know what you want or who you are but why don’t you just back off” He said, making a motion towards the door.

“As you wish Payton Mitchell Smith.” He said standing. He grabbed my arm and pulled me up gently but insistently.

“Hey! What do you think you’re doing?!?” Payton said angrily grabbing the boys arm.

“I’d be careful Payton; you don’t want someone to get hurt.”  He said looking pointedly at Payton’s hand. His voice made that he intended to do very clear. Without another word he took my hand, lowered the gun and led me out the door.

When we were out the door he lean closer and whispered.

“I’ve been looking for you for a long time Charlie.” The way he said my name sent sweet chills down my back.

“Why?” I asked; wonder why this beautiful, mysterious boy would come looking for me. There’s nothing special about me. I’m blond pale with red lips and emerald green eyes but, my features didn’t complement each other, my lips were too big, the top lip smaller than the bottom,  and my smile looked weird, my hair tangled itself constantly.

“Because Angel, “He said using the nickname my father gave me before he killed himself in my room when I was five.”You are mine.” He said leaning over my shoulder and breathing hot sweet breath down my back. We had walked several blocks by now and had gone down numerous alleys. Then, something pricked my neck, and my legs could no longer hold me up. My eyes were closing at their own accord and he was holding me close to him. The last thing I remember was being so frightened, but at the same time, at home with the boy.

Reviews

[KAREN]

Oh I'm hooked now! Excellent chapter!!

[Short.Nerd]

Oh.... (: SOUnds interesting

[JulieNorell]

Lol its their first middle and last name

[roarke]

You know there's going to be some serious crap going down when all the characters have three names....

Yeah, I agree with E.H. I didn't at first see Hieronymus as a "boy" until you kept mentioning it.
Seduction always throws thoughts and perceptions sideways. Bring your main character into focus.

The story has good pace and hints at bigger things to come.

[E.H. Monroe]

Nice. Nice entrance of a distant dreamer. The action moves just fast enough tio stay with it and its broken up with flowing dialogue.

I would dump emerald green eyes. ONLY because the chick already said she's normal or nothing special. Emerald green eyes are pretty special.
I'd leave the death of the father for some time when you can get into it more. The reader asks why isint that important to hear NOW and makes Charlie look like an unfeeling b***h. Maybe a different nickname. He could have calle dher angel by mistake. Angel eyes is more random...possibly.
The boy description is deceptive. Boy of how old.

Just some points, not crits. Just some s**t I would ask myself.