Dormant doesn't mean deceased (We all know this is your fault)

The volcano sleeps with its eyes wide open
My dear, we can never hide!
The volcano sleeps with its eyes wide open
My dear, we can never run!
 Dormant doesn’t mean deceased;
The lava still boils beneath my skin,
the faintest eruptions with each beat in my chest.
Dormant doesn’t mean deceased!
Be silent my dear, its only asleep…
If you make the most sudden of movements,
it’ll be the death of us.
Keep your voice to a whisper,
keep your voice to a whisper.
“Looks like a full moon tonight,”
pale, ghostly white; the skeleton in the sky’s closet.
“Looks like a full moon tonight”
…haunting enough to wake the dead.
The moon changes phases
just as you change faces:
Your moods, they sway
like the seismic waves,
and the panic of a volcanic sunrise
Oh, don’t our problems seem so small now?
The volcano sleeps with its eyes wide open,

but ours are obliviously closed.

The volcano sleeps with its eyes wide open:

only chaos and danger can see us for who we really are!
We were always the skeletons in the closet,
we were always the skeletons:
Nothing but bones,
watch them roast now.
Nothing but bones.
I told you we could never hide!
We burn,
with all of the words we never said.
We burn,
with the faintest eruptions in our broken hearts.
We burn,
when we realize
We were always the skeletons in the closet, (Our broken hearts are by our own hands)
We were always the skeletons in the closet, (Our broken hearts are by our own hands)
Lonely bones, empty hearts,
Empty bones, lonely hearts:
(We all know this is your fault)

Reviews

[The]

Before I begin the review, let me say I loved your bio.

The work itself was interesting. For awhile I assumed the reference to the volcano was the speaker itself, then got side-tracked in reading because of the repetition of the refrain. The content is good, but you have some unnecessary clauses that detract from the quality of the writing. "Haunting enough to wake the dead," "pale, ghostly white," and "it'll be the death of us," amongst others, detract from the decent craft behind this work--the first and third are abstractions, the second is a cliche.


Perhaps with some revision, and the division of a poem into a form with more strophes will your message be more digestible. I realize the turbulence of the volcano requires a quick read, but slowing down the tempo with strophe divisions would give the reader a greater feel for the subtle eruptions beneath the context.

Best of luck on your future writings.

--CB

[caesarkreshen]

ur hot

[Laura Maidah]

"The volcano sleeps with its eyes wide open" that line is pretty g. The running aural motif is stunning. Really. "My dear"s repetition is really cute. Works for me. Great little archaic, almost vintage touch. It's a fine line when you use that locution. It could have been corny. As it stands in context, it's fab. "If you make the most sudden of movements,
it’ll be the death of us." AMAZING. HOT damn.
he moon changes phases
just as you change faces:
Your moods, they sway
like the seismic waves,
and the panic of a volcanic sunrise" almost perfect. try "paranoia of a volcano sunrise"? It adds a whole new take on things, and keeps an extra beat to promote pacing and proper meter. It sounds more exact and purposed as far as tone.

"nly chaos and danger can see us for who we really are!" that line is generic IMHO. It's like a different person wrote it. Split-personality in the shift of tone and diction.

"We burn,
with all of the words we never said." Good.

The bolded words? Are they lyrics? It's a kind of alternative to lyrical poetry, a current trend in modern poetry, but in this particular setting and theme, it doesn't work for me. I like your other repetitions, but stacked atop one another like that, it's a mental stutter. It halts momentum. You can't afford that so close to the end. Really great phrase at the end, but the parentheticals baffle me every time I try to get used to them. It's the crux of the whole piece. Why is it shuffled off to the side? Shunted with parentheses?

[Jackson_Yang]

I find the most revealing part of the poem is the reference to us as skeletons in the closet. We hide who we truly are from the world until it gets to the point where it has to come out. Thats at least how I see it. But I agree that our broken hearts are by our own hands.

[Wolfwind Words]

This was an amazing weave of human emotions wrapping themselves around the concept of a volcano. And remembering when Mount St. Helens rattled and blew, I couldn't help but smile.

Great Ink!
Wolfie

[nostal]

Sylvia Plath much?

[Amit Parmessur]

Wow.

[poetry-kiddo alienbaba]

lovely song!
:)

[SilentVerses]

Adore it, such playful words you sing through your voice, and yet such a depth of meaning they hold dear to them, the images of nature volatile and in resentment for labels placed upon them parallels the story and connotations you layer upon one another. Beautiful.

[ScaryTrees]

nice!
i like the imagery and the repetition works well
i don't know if you need stanzas but you could play with the structure a bit to better facilitate the flow
great piece and well done