Hating Her.

I hate her for being able to keep him for as long as she did. Two years that she got to spend time with him, to love him, to hold him. Two years that she spent fighting with him, not trusting him, yelling at him, even stopping him from doing what he wanted to do. From being who God intended him to be. I get three months. Three months of showing him how much she means to me three months where I don’t even get to call myself his. My three months comes to an end in two weeks.

         When we started this, it all seemed like such a good idea. The idea of being with someone for the time you were allowed seemed like It was a good idea, savoring and enjoying every moment you could. I didn’t account for falling in love with him. Being unable to catch myself and knowing he wasn’t going to catch me, I crashed hard. Hard into a world where I know I am going to be left alone. A world where I hate a woman  I don’t even know for being allowed to stay with someone as amazing as he is. Two years she had and she did nothing but abuse every second of it. I want nothing more than to give him every part of me but because of what she did to him, he won’t give us more than three months.

         I am already devastated wondering what I am going to do without this man in my life in two weeks. Every single part of me wonders if he is hiding how he truly feels about me. I wonder if I am getting to him. I wonder if I am changing his mind. I know this isn’t likely, but I always wonder. I wonder when we are lying in bed and he tells me that I am beautiful. I wonder if he has changed his mind when I am putting on my clothes the next morning. I wonder until I realize that he won’t hold my hand in front of his friends, until he refuses to tell me what we are. I wonder until I realize that I am his temporary fix to fill his remaining time here.

         Even in my confusion and heartbreak, I treasure every moment I get with him. Every time I make him laugh or smile. Every time we do something new together. Every single night that I get to spend in his embrace is something that I will keep in my heart forever. Moments I will keep in the heart that he knows he has. I will be okay, it will take time. He tells me that I am not like other girls and that he wishes they could be more like me because of how chill I am, but I pray every moment of every day that I am changing his mind. I pray that he would see that I am dying and he is the only one who can save me.