Heiress

This is a One Act play I wrote my the One Act Play Competition at my high school.

Please note:

·         All the male roles are played by the same person for comic effect.

·         Some set descriptions are obviously exaggerated just for the fun of it in the script.

 

Scene 1

Blackout. News anchor table is out.

 

Crystal Candy: Heiress Tiffany Shae-Lynn Joyal just turned 21 on Friday, so her father, multi-billionaire, Nickolai Joyal, has just given her an inheritance of $2.5 million and a personal assistant to ensure she does not waste the money. Only time will tell what happens to this 2.5 mil. What do you think Tiffany will do with the money? Take our poll our website, and we’ll give the results tomorrow! Tune in tomorrow with your gossip guru, Crystal Candy!

 

Lights up. DIM.

Street. Evening. TIFFANY and RACHEL are downstage left at the sidewalk corner. TIFFANY and RACHEL stand beside a “Pedestrian Crossing” street sign. The LA skyline fills the night sky. A GROUP OF PEOPLE add life to the busy street, and a GROUP OF PEOPLE are in line for the popular night club. The night club’s music is heard by the street.  A pool of light is focused on TIFFANY and RACHEL. The only other lights are the neon lights on the night club’s sign that reads “VIBE”.

Tiffany (holding hand bag dog on her arm. A tiny memo pad in one hand, fun pen in the other.) Hey, Rachel, I’m writing a list of everything I need to do with my money.

Rachel (an awkward amount of space between TIFFANY and RACHEL. Rachel clearly does not want to be there, but her pay check is big enough to keep her around) That’s very respons-

Tiffany (writing down list as she says. Focused, but peppy) 1. BOYS!  2. Find- Hey Rachel, which way does an F  go?

Katie as PAPARAZZI exits the night club, notices Tiffany, and goes with the rest of the PAPARAZZI.

Rachel: Didn’t you see enough of them in your college report card before you flunked out after the first semester? (TIFFANY gives a blank stare. RACHEL makes a scratching motion on TIFFANY’s head)This is a brain sucker. What do you think it is?

Tiffany: (happy) It’s a brain sucker, silly!

Rachel: Hungry.

Tiffany (gives a confused look. Confusion is broken with her sudden thought. ). So, which way does an F go?

Rachel: (clearly irritated) right. (TIFFANY gives a confused face. Rachel points right and shouts) That way!

Tiffany: Thank you. 3. Find a good club. 3. Shop shop shop! Hey look over there! How awesome is that club!

Flashes of light and PAPARAZZI swarm around RACHEL and TIFFANY. RACHEL steps further away and hides her face behind the “Pedestrian Crossing” sign. TIFFANY flamboyantly poses for paparazzi pictures. PAPARAZZI improvs a ruckus with lines like “Tiffany!”, “Look over here”, “Show me your peace sign!”, etc… TIFFANY improvs her flamboyant poses and remarks based on the PAPARAZZI’s requests.

Flashing lights stop.

PAPARAZZI exit.

Rachel: (sarcastically) I love the paparazzi.

Tiffany: (completely serious) Me too! I get to be in magazines! See, Rachel! We do have more in common! (walks to center stage right to the club. TIFFANY cuts the CROWD waiting in line to go inside the popular night club. BOUNCER stands in front of the night club)

Bouncer: Wait here. It’s full.

Tiffany:  (pulls out a wad of cash and begins to flirt with the BOUNCER while waving the cash gently). I guess I’ll just wait right here the-

Bouncer:  (cuts TIFFANY off. Grabs the cash from her hand and puts it in his blazer pocket) Did I say it was full? I must have been mistaken. After you, madam.

TIFFANY exits.

RACHEL starts to walk into the club after TIFFANY, but the BOUNCER stops her at the door.

Rachel: I need to make sure she doesn’t do anything stupid. (waves a single dollar bill in front of his face).

Bouncer: (BOUNCER grabs the dollar) Don’t worry she won’t (runs into the club after TIFFANY)

Rachel: (to extras) I hate my job. (sits on the curb and waits.)

Extra #1: Then get a new one

Rachel: (to EXTRA #1) At least the pay is good.

Extra #1: Then why are you complaining?

2 second blackout. The pool of light dims. RACHEL is pacing.

3 second blackout. The pool of light dims. RACHEL is leaning against the night club and sighs.

4 second blackout. The pool of light dims.

Rachel: (at her breaking point with waiting.) Mr. Joyal could not pay me enough for this. And now I’m talking to myself. I’m absolutely mad! (begins to walk away.)

As RACHEL begins to walk away. The drunk TIFFANY and PIP enter stage right giggling, holding hands, and improving a conversation.

Tiffany: (excitedly) Yoo hoo! Rachel! We’re over here, you silly silly! Look who I met!

RACHEL, enticed by the pay check, takes a deep breath and turns around to see TIFFANY and PIP.

Rachel: (obviously does not care about the answer, but puts on a happy tone) Oh, who’s this?

Tiffany: (cuddles closer to PIP. Her free hand is on PIP’s chest as she flirts. Everything is over exaggerated since she is drunk) This is Pip! He’s from England! He’s such a hunk! Oh!

PAPARAZZI swarm around to take in this tabloid gold.

Pip: (His English accent is obviously faked. Every few words, he slips into a New Jersey accent. He slurs some of his words to pretend that he’s drunk. That too is obviously faked. PIP is a conman and RACHEL knows this from the first word he utters. This realization is clear on RACHEL’s face). Good ‘ay, miss. Tiffany and I were just about to go to the corner store and get some tea and crumpets. It was great to meet you. Cheerio.

PIP and RACHEL begin walking off stage, but RACHEL stops PIP.

Rachel: (trying to keep RACHEL away from this trouble. She gets paid to keep TIFFANY from doing anything stupid) I’m afraid most coffee shops aren’t open now. It is, 4:00am. (sarcastic )I know. It’s such a shame. Tiffany, say goodbye to Pip.

TIFFANY reaches in to her purse to get a pen and writes her number on PIP’s hand.

Tiffany: (sing-song-y) Well, here’s my number, so call me maybe.

Pip: (forces a giggle) That’s clever!

PIP leans in to kiss TIFFANY, but RACHEL tactfully breaks them up by butting in.

Rachel: Tiffany, why don’t you start walking back to the hotel? I’ll catch right up.

TIFFANY  exits.

Pip (knows Rachel sees right through him): I should go too. Cheeri-

Rachel: Oh, no you don’t.  How much money did you solicit from her? You see, I only get paid if Tiffany’s bank account does not run dry. And let me tell you, the pay is big enough to keep me around.

Pip: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Rachel: And where are you really from? That’s no English accent. What do you want?

Pip: I told ‘ya, miss. I do not know what you’re talking about. Good night.

Rachel: Fine, just stay away from Tiffany. You don’t get bad press, and I get my pay check. It’s a great deal, don’t you think.

RACHEL exits.

Pip: (to himself. New Jersey accent) Ha! Nobody would have suspected that I, Hank Green, from New Jersey is (English accent) Pip Wellington (New Jersey accent). First, I’m going to take every penny Tiffany Joyal is worth, then I’m going to run away with every beautiful dime! Tiffany is far too dull to understand what is happening until I own everything.

RACHEL enters.

Rachel: People can hear you! This is a busy night club!

Tiffany (offstage): Rachel! Who are you talking to? That guy sounds a lot like Pip, but American!

Rachel (to TIFFANY): Coming, Tiffany. (to PIP) I can see right through you, and my job rests on that bank account. Exploit her. I don’t care what you do with her, but I do care what you do with her finances!

RACHEL exits

Pip: (pulls a wad of cash from his suit pocket, counts his money, and poorly sings) “Money, money, money, must be funny in a rich man’s world” (talks) And I’m about to find out!

Money gag

Rachel (offstage): I can still hear you!

Blackout

Scene II

Beach set. Waves are seen in the background. Biff is standing off in the distance waxing his surfboard.

Lights up

TIFFANY and RACHEL walk onto the beach. RACHEL is wearing her professional outfit while holding her calculator and legal pad. TIFFANY is wearing a floppy sunhat, big sun glasses, high heeled sandals, and a bathing suit cover.

Tiffany: I wish Pip could come!

Rachel: Yeah, he’s the first person I want to see.

Tiffany: (thinks Rachel is totally serious) I know! He’s just so….British!

Rachel: You know, Tiffany, I think that maybe you should try to find someone else. I don’t know…maybe like him (points to BIFF)?

Tiffany: Well, he is pretty cute. (to BIFF) Yoo hoo! Surfer boy! (BIFF points to himself) Yes, you! Come over here!

BIFF walks over to TIFFANY and RACHEL.

Biff (friendly) : Hey dudettes! I’m Biff. Why did you like call me over?

Tiffany (attracted to BIFF, but still is thinking about PIP): Can I like go surfing with you?

Biff: Totally! Do you like have a board?

Tiffany: (flirting) I’ve never gone surfing, but you seem like an excellent teacher.

Biff: Totally! Like, I think I have another board in like my truck. Let me go an’ get it.

BIFF exits

Rachel: He seems like a nice boy.

Tiffany: I know!

Rachel: Nicer than Pip. Maybe you should call off your next date with Pip?

Tiffany: But I love Pip! He’s so…so…soooo (keep this “sooo” going on until Michael is ready)

Rachel: You actually going to finish that thought?

PIP enters. Sandcastle gag

Rachel: Of course not!

 

Tiffany: (runs over to PIP and hugs him) Pip!

Pip: Good afternoon, darling. Want to go out?

Tiffany: Like on a date?

Pip: sure

Tiffany grabs all of her things

Tiffany: Let’s go no! Rachel, I don’t want to ruin your time at the beach.

Rachel: I really should come.

Tiffany: You can take the day off. (sing song-y) A mini paid vacation

Rachel: Fine

Pip: (to TIFFANY) Shall we?

TIFFANY and PIP exit.

RACHEL begins aimlessly walking around the beach, trying to decide to leave the beach.

Rachel: (to herself) I really ought to quit! Mr. Joyal is not paying me enough for this. AT ALL! I need to get some self-respect for myself. I went to college, and I majored in business, and look what I’m doing now! Why didn’t I do anything sensible with my life…like art or …tap dancing… or underwater basket weaving… or Mexican hat dancing…or SOMETHING! (pause) And I’m talking to myself…on a busy beach… I’ll end up in a rubber room before Pip takes all of the money.

A confused BIFF enters holding the surf board

Rachel: She left, Biff.

Biff: What?

Rachel: Go home, Biff. She doesn’t care.

Biff: You’re like totally wrong, dudette. (starts to leave) And dudette, what’s her name?

Rachel: (laughing)Haven’t you read the tabloids? She’s Tiffany Joyal, the heiress.

Biff: (he’s like totally in love): Tiffany

Roxy: Hey! Handsome! (Runs up to Biff yelling) I’m still free!

Blackout

Scene III

McDonald’s. Manager is behind the counter. Small table and chairs are off to the side. TIFFANY is wearing a dressy outfit.

Lights up

TIFFANY and PIP enter. TIFFANY has her eyes closes as PIP leads her in

Tiffany: Where are we going Pip?

Pip: Blimey, you are going to love this, Darlin’.

Tiffany: Can I open my eyes now? Please

Pip: (intends to use it as an “open your eyes” type of a remark. He lets go of her hand) It’s a great place! Do you like it?

Tiffany: (wondering around still with her eyes closed and hands out.) How can I know? I can’t see anything!

Pip: (sarcastically in the New Jersey accent. He’s narrating himself again) She’s such a winner. It’ll be so sad how easy it’ll be to get what I want.

Tiffany: Pip! Pip! Where are you? I hear other people, but not you! Can I open my eyes yet?

Pip: (back to fake English accent) Oh, I’m sorry. Open your eyes now, Love.

TIFFANY is daunted by being in McDonald’s. She’s obviously never seen one before.

Tiffany: What a nice little place! Where’s the guy that seats us-

Pip: (corrects her) host

Tiffany: Oh! And the guy that brings us our food!

Pip: waitron

Tiffany: So where’s the real restaurant?

Pip: This is the real restaurant!

Tiffany: (surprised) Oh

Pip: (leads TIFFANY to a table. Wipes it off with a napkin): It’s not so bad when you clean it up a bit. Sit.

Both sit

Tiffany: So, what is a young, handsome, British, guy doing in America?

Pip: Business. I tend to travel wherever the money is, lovely.

Tiffany: If I were British, I would never want to leave!

Pip: Aw, we only have Big Ben, the king, and some other stuff.

Tiffany: King? But your money has a lady on it!

Pip: (afraid she may be catching on): Pip, pip, cheerio! Sweetheart, why don’t you look for the waitron, so we can get served?

While TIFFANY is intently looking for the waiter, PIP goes through her purse. He pulls out some credit cards, and pockets them.

Pip: Tiffany, darling, I’ll order us some fish and chips.

Tiffany: Thank you. I’ll be right back. I’m just going to use the little heiress’ room.

TIFFANY exits.

PIP dumps out her purse, and takes everything of remote importance.

After a while, TIFFANY returns.

Tiffany: Hey, Pip, what happened to my handbag?

Pip: (referring to himself): A rat got to it. Let’s go (begins ushering her out).

Tiffany: But we never ate anything.

 

Blackout

Scene IV

Beach. Next day. BIFF is on the beach with TIFFANY. There is a boogie board and a surf board on the ground beside them.

Tiffany: My, Biff, this is a tiny surf board!

Biff: It’s like a boogie board. Before you take on the totally gnarly waves, you need to use this. Think of it like practice.

Tiffany: YAY Practice!

BIFF and TIFFANY sit on the sand and BIFF begins to show TIFFANY how to boogie board.

Biff: Feel the water, Tiff. Like, you’ll know when there’s a totally awesome wave.

 

BIFF catches ROXY’s eye. ROXY yells from down the beach. She’s furious that he’s with another girl. Roxy intrudes on them and slaps BIFF.

Roxy: You dirty cheater! I thought we were dating! Jerk! (Storms off)

Tiffany: Who’s that?

Biff: I like totally have no idea.

~awkward pause~

 

Tiffany: Hey, Biff, I’m sorry about yesterday.

Biff: I understand. (awkward pause) When you like feel the wave, push up onto the board, and just wait for it.

Tiffany: wait? Shouldn’t I do something?

Biff: Trust the wave.

TIFFANY and BIFF quietly improve on the beach.

Rachel (offstage): Why did you come here? I thought I told you to stay away.

Biff (to Pip): Why do you need to stay away from Tiff?

Rachel (offstage): He’s been taking money from Tiffany.

BIFF picks up his surfboard and exits.

 

~offstage~

Biff: You like stole from her?

Pip: (natural accent) Steal is such a heavy word

 

Tiffany (onstage): Wait! Pip! You know American?

 

 ~offstage~

Biff: You need to totally like give her back that money!

Pip: She gave it to me. I didn’t steal her anything.

Biff: Like, who are you, Dude?

Pip: Hank Green, con artist.

There’s a smack backstage

PIP comes on stage left. A surf board is hanging around his neck (there’s a bunched out hole in the board from hitting his head).

Tiffany (to Rachel): What’s a conman?

Rachel (offstage): A dirty rat who steals.

Tiffany: Pip is a person. Not a rat, silly!

RACHEL enters

 

Rachel: A conman is a person who tricks you and steals from you. There’s no more money, and I’m not you’re baby sitter! I quit!

Rachel exits

Tiffany (crying): Whoever you are, leave me! Now!

PIP exits

Biff (offstage): Tiff, are you OK?

Tiffany (stands up): No. I thought I could trust him.

Biff: You can like totally trust me, Tiff.

Tiffany: But Pip…I thought he really really liked me. Like liked me liked me.

Biff: Like just forget about him.

Tiffany: But he meant a lot to me.

BIFF enters and embraces TIFFANY

Biff: He totally does not deserve you.

Tiffany: He took everything from me. You don’t even have to stay here.

Biff: (kisses TIFFANY on her forehead) Tiffany, I am never going to leave you. Your money totally never mattered to me.

Tiffany: Really?

Biff: Totally

 

Blackout

Scene V

McDonald’s order counter. BIFF and TIFFANY are having the time of their lives. They are poorly dancing, and singing “We go Together” from Grease off key, but they are happy and having fun. The MANAGER tries to break up the singing to no avail.

Rachel: Can I have a Big Mac!

Guest 1: Whopper! I want a Whopper!

Rachel: (To Guest 1) Gosh! Burger King is across the street, genius. Either buy something here or leave.

Guest 1 exits

RACHEL improvs buying a Big Mac.

Rachel (she is in line to order, but keeps getting cut off. This can be improved): Tiffany! This is McDonald’s! Customers can hear you! Gosh! Why don’t you get a life.

RACHEL turns to exit. TIFFANY sweetly looks up at BIFF

Tiffany: But I already have one.

Manager (shouting): Get back to work, Danny and Sandy!

Guests: Awwwww!

Blackout.

Author's Note

Be as honest as possible

Reviews

[Jenna]

Great work as usual Jules :)

[JuliaMancini]

Thank you, Jenna :-)