Rainbow of Emotion

Disbelieve, Numbness, Rage, Outrage and lastly ...

"No" 

In utter disbelieve I watched as she took her glass full of Champagne into her hand and knocked it back without so much as glancing back at me. Complete silence in a restaurant full of people who were - of course - all looking at us - most likely caught between confusion and incomprehension not unlike me - as she stood up and walked right out of the room with just a "Sorry" thrown over her shoulder, not looking back as she exited. Right out of my life. And let me tell you I never in my entire life have I heard and saw someone less Sorry.

Still kneeling on the ground I tried to get my bearings back looking at the ring I still held in my hand while the people started talking among themselves again. I know they were talking about me still kneeling looking at the ring for the woman that just left. How could that had happend? They will ask, they will talk about all the things I could have done. But therein lay the problem because while I kneeled there I couldn't think of a single thing that I had done to justify this.

Why would she say no? was the only question running trough my mind as I stood up and - after paying - I walked out of there in some kind of stupor. But as the confusion and numbness left me later that evening as I walked through my apartment door and as I saw that all her things were gone the rage started to set in. Slowly, but surely it sarted building because thats what rage does. At first it is just a feeling in your gut that makes your breathing heavy, then its the gritting of your teeth and flaring of your nostrils as your clench you fist - sometimes so hard that you draw blood and than somehow suddenly simultaneously the yelling, the punching, the screaming and grunting - in fewer words the OUTrage starts. 

I'm normaly not the person who gets to this stage. Outrage was always a little bit too dramatic for me but this evening I thought - and still think for that matter - that I deserved some little drama for myself and whats adding this to the list anyway. But as the energy left me much quicker that the rage had build the tears set in and soon enough I was just a puddle of it. Sobbing against my bedroomdoor, screaming why. Eventhough I had no air to scream with. My hole body shook, my shirt was wet my lip split from constantly biting and my fingers turned icecold. 

Why me?