Burned

This is about a previous relationship of mine that wasn't going so well, but I had the support of friends to help me.

 A year ago, I broke up with the person I dated for two and a half years who I'm going to call Marcus. For about a year of the relationship, I was completely miserable with it, but I thought things were going to get better. I didn't see what I was getting myself into with continuing the relationship for so long, but I thought everything was going to get fixed between us. For the last year, everyone told me to leave him.

One person in particular, Calvin, endlessly told me to leave because he was sure that if I kept going with the relationship with Marcus, he could see me getting mentally and physically hurt. I was already getting mentally hurt by Marcus at the time, and Calvin mildly knew of what was happening. Calvin first hand witnessed how Marcus would call me the rudest of names (such as b***h, c**t, etc.). It actually was worse than that when we were alone. Calvin wanted me to leave him so bad. So last summer, I finally listened to what Calvin and everyone else was telling me. I left. Marcus was so angry at me for leaving him. He asked me if there was anyone else, and if I was leaving him for Calvin.

I honestly was leaving Marcus to hang around Calvin more, because Marcus hated Calvin when he knew that the two of us were (and still are) good friends, and that bothered him. I didn't lie to Marcus about how I was leaving to hang around Calvin more. After I was done talking to Marcus, I went to go get my journals from his house. When I got there, there was a small fire in his yard. I went to see who was burning stuff. It was him standing there with handfuls of paper in his hands. He quickly threw the rest of the paper into the fire as I realized what was in his hands, which were the journals I wrote all throughout my schooling, which helped me develop who I am.

Witnessing him destroy everything I worked on for years was the worst thing for me. So many different stories in so many notebooks and folders. I couldn't stop him from it. I knew I couldn't. He burned it all before I could stop him, and that was the most painful thing I could experience. I wanted to take everything back, but I couldn't. I wanted to take back hurting him, but I knew if I didn't do what I did, he would've done so much worse to me just like Calvin said he would. I didn't see it at first, but someone knocked it into me that if I didn't end it all, I would be better off dead.

But seeing him destroy all of my work, all of my written emotion, was the worst thing I could go through. Those notebooks and folders had shown so many different emotions, and to not have any of them anymore hurts. To see how much I've changed, and to remind myself who I am today. I have nothing to remind me of who I am. But I guess in a way it's a way to start fresh. To find who I am again. I have to try, to find Judith again.

If you or someone you know is going through mental or physical abuse, or maybe both, talk to them or find someone to talk to. That's what every person needs. It may be hard to do, but it's for their health. Let them know that you are there for them, or reach out for help, just something.