Chapter 6: Decide to Love

“It's almost time, Frank Li,” I said.

“Time for what?” he asked.

“Do you want to meet others?” I asked.

“Others in a coma?” Frank asked.

“No,” I said guardedly, “Others like me.”

I sensed his amazement and knew he had a thousand question, but they were apparently all irrelevant by the time he spoke.

“What's going on?” Frank asked, “Are you studying me?”

“No,” I said, “We would rather have you study us to see how we have managed with problems you need to know about. It's your chance to interact with those who have shared some of your symptoms to provide you with real insights I might not be able to provide.”

“Is that what you did?” Frank asked.

“I taught you about your mind and we explored the nature of delusions, but there is more to your illness than just delusions. I didn't ever have a mental imbalance, but I kept switching from one delusion to another and learned a lot about them. I had a problem with establishing an identity. Do you know who you are, Frank?”

“I am starting to,” he said, “But does this mean I may never interact with you again?”

“I suspect I may be needed from time to time,” I said, “But if not I can move along and help others like you and me, who had difficulty in establishing a sense of identity. If I can I will be with you when you go out there though, Frank Li. Remember I chose you to help. You will be okay, Frank and try not to miss me too much. Okay?”

“Okay,” Frank said, “When do we start?”

“Technically we already have,” I said, “Your new Inspiring One has been monitoring your mind with me so that she can see for herself whether she thinks you are ready.”

“What is her specialty?” he asked.

“I'll just leave it to the two of you, then,” I said.

“Hello, Frank Li,” she said, “I will be working with you. Are you okay with that?”

Frank was embarrassed by her question, but thought quickly to ask, “What do you look like?”

“Does it matter?” she asked then she stimulated Frank's brain so he could see her face.

She was beautiful, blonde with perfect hair and teeth and a smile that said welcome you are with friends more than he could imagine anything else it might have been saying.

“That helps,” he hesitated as one does who sighs with relief, “You look human!”

“Do you know what you look like?” she asked.

“I remember staring into mirrors attempting to recognize myself in different places,” Frank said, “Store windows, mirrors in bars, wherever I could see my image I looked at it, but it never seemed to me to fit who I was. I was not vain. I don't think. I was just curious all the time what I looked like. It became an obsession with me.

And I had a double in town. I saw him once. But I couldn't imagine I looked like that though my friends all said I was a dead ringer for him. It fascinated me because he was normal, had a good job and everything I never had. You would think if we looked that much alike we might have had similarities beyond our looks. We had the same tastes in clothes, but beyond that there wasn't much of us like the other one.

Then when I worked in Brainerd, Minnesota I had another lookalike. People there didn't trust me on sight. I guess he was a real bad dude. I had never lived there or anything. I was just a roofer and I left the job early because I suffered a bad burn on my left wrist.

Did you know the doppelganger in your home town?” she asked.

“I think I met him once,”Frank said, “We frequented the same Subway sandwich shop for about a year. But he didn't seem interested in meeting me so I just left it at that.”

“That must have been interesting?” she asked.

“It disturbed me more than anything,” Frank said, “Because of the one down in Brainerd. And then one time I saw him and Kathy the girl I almost married together. That really bothered me for some reason. It was like seeing the two of us together again. And it hurt more than you might think. My friends that I was with thought it was funny. But I never had their support about anything ever anyway. They weren't really friends and I knew it from that day on. That is one thing I am glad of. I left them all behind. I didn't like their abuse.”

“It sounds like you took it hard, Frank?” she said.

“I thought she loved me,” he said, “But she was only seventeen. What did she know about love? She never really got to know me. And you can't love someone you don't know. I thought I knew her too, but all I really knew I didn't even like and most of the positive stuff was just in my mind anyway.”

“Did it depress you when you broke up?” she asked.

“I got so low I tried to kill myself,” Frank said.

“Do you get depressed now when you think of her,” she asked.

“It was more than that,” I said, “She was the centerpiece of the life I had all planned out for us. And when we broke up all of that was gone too. It wouldn't have been the same without Kathy. And every time I go there it depresses me it never panned out. In fact it was the heart of my last suicide attempt. But that was because I had been such a fool to pin it on such a young, immature, girl. That and the idea nobody knows me and I really never got to know anyone else. The only real connection I had was with my mother and I found out that was largely a myth too. I thought she was so happy all the time when what she had been all my life was in denial for her part in allowing my dad to sexually abuse my step-niece. And I never got the chance to get to know that side of her and without that no one could have actually known her either. The rest of the family thinks they did, but they never had a very realistic view of her anyway. Nobody ever does nothing wrong. That's pure fantasy.”

“It sounds like you are no stranger to loss,” she said.

“The only one besides my dad I was close to was my sister, Alvina,” I said, “But she became an apostate Christian all hung up on word games and not Them at all. It revealed to me I had wasted my time trying to get to know her. As it turned out she was religiously insane. It breaks my heart when I think of her. But I know I never knew her. I never had any idea she was so phony, just like the rest of the apostates. She had been pretending all the time. We were both even sexually abused by family members and still we never even shared that. And a thing like that changes a person. She got sympathy. I forgave and forgot as near as I could. But neither one of us ever let anybody really get to know us. She snowed her husband all these years. Now my entire family is dead to me. I never knew them and they never knew me. They only wanted to change me right off. That is the only thing I ever really knew about any of them.”

Then he was silent for quiet a while and troubled with depression.

“They call that dumping where I come from, Frank Li,” she said, “Is there anything you can do about it?”

“I wish there was,” Frank said, “But I guess not. And frankly I've given up trying.”

“What about other things that are out of you control and you wish they weren't,” she said, “Do they depress you?”

“Sure,” Frank said, “I would have really liked to have somebody love me, even just one person!”

“That still might happen, Frank. I don't know,” she said, “But it is out of your control really. Isn't it, Frank?”

“Yes,” he said.

“So what can you do about it? You can't change it!” she said.

“I just have to accept it I guess,” Frank said bitterly, “But at the least, it wouldn't have hurt someone to love me, you would think.”

“You're right, Frank,” she said, “You would think somebody would have loved you by now. Maybe you put too high a premium on being loved? Maybe you did something else? But there is more than one person involved in being in love, you know. You can identify what was wrong with you that didn't let others love you the way you wanted to be loved or you can just accept it that they didn't and write them out of your life and not change anything. But you are not Them, Frank. And They know a lot of people don't love Them. They have accepted that. But They are perfect. You are not. You can change. They can't. If you don't even try to change to whatever extent you have to in order to change yourself, you won't be loved. That should be clear to you by now.”

“I realized that,” Frank said, “And I've changed a lot and I'm a lot more real. I just don't have a lot of contact with people and I haven't found anyone even ready to be real in those I've met. That is why I'm so fond of Them. They are real. We really know each other. And when I'm hiding myself from Them the Light lets me know and in the end I understand where I went wrong and change. I can stand Their criticism. Everyone I've ever known, but maybe you and my other Inspiring One just ask Them to forgive them and go on entertaining the delusion They want to change and they ask for forgiveness, but they never intend to change themselves or their minds so they wind up delusional that everything is fine between Them and themselves. But that's hate no love.”

“And yet, Frank, They love them anyway,” she said, “Their relationship just isn't as close as it could be. They are imperfect beings and They know they can't love like They do without the Spirit to show them how. They even love those that hate them. Don't ever be afraid to love anyone. Even evil ones can be changed by Their love. You were evil once. And They stayed by you anyway even though you were an enemy. Make the decision to love others. You chose to love Them. Now love everyone else. Love will never destroy you. And if you are destroyed by loving anyone, They will remember you and resurrect you when the time comes. Love. Frank, just love like They do, otherwise you merely become an agitator causing people to hate you and set them up to hate others like you. Can you see it, Frank? Don't agitate people to hate anyone, even ISIS.”