Chapter 15: Desperate Prayers

My writer told me that when I was five years old I had my first encounter with the One I dare not even mention the name of.

I said to him, “Let me see your light.”

And someone said, “Close your eyes, Frank Li and I will show you His Light.”

So I closed my eyes thinking it was weird that it was so dark behind my eyes even though I hadn't really noticed the phenomenon before. Then as I saw a pinpoint of light that appeared to be coming toward my point of view. It was not getting any larger but merely brighter and brighter until it was so brilliant it hurt my head.

“Sir, stop!” I cried, “I'm afraid it will hurt me.”

Then I opened my eyes and it persisted a moment before it disappeared. So, I sighed in my relief though my head still hurt and I understood the difference between bright and brilliant. But I kept it to myself all these years. But I knew even at that age it was real and that was why I couldn't stand it too brilliant. I had seen the Light of the One I dare not even mention the name of.

Now when I am alone and in distress I remember the experience even yet. Now I realize there is a reality that is more real than the one we most often see. And He is there with me. And his Light comforts me. And I realize I am not alone anymore, but merely back where it all started, for after that time I began to talk to Him, the One whose name I dare not even mention.

I called him God for a long time, but I knew it was not his name somehow. And later when I first saw YHWH on a book of poems and it was explained to me that stood for the real name of God, I thought that was his name. But when I was alone last time I conceived of calling him, No One There. Whatever you call Him remember it is just a human name for Him. I think we might not even be able to pronounce His name. Jesus called him Father, but he was Jew by birth and we who were not Jews and come in contact with Him do not truly know what that name meant to Jesus of Nazareth.

In the beginning He was there. And He created that which is real and that which we think is real because of our poor ability to perceive things, things we only assume to be real though they are not really anything but delusions we share about what really is there. And science is nothing more than sophisticated enhancements of the way those delusions work and are measured and the like. Science is no more true than the delusions of the scientist who does not accept there is something that is far more real they will not or cannot even in their sophistication perceive. They blindly lead us like a king who does not know what to do, just to do whatever they think is good to them which is usually whatever can be done next. But they poke a sleeping bear in a warm shack on a winter's day. What will happen when the bear awakens? Will it attack them, or flee with all there is in it for freedom? Whichever the case is then is it wise to take such a chance?

Their god is experience.

They say, “Nothing we have encountered this far has destroyed us. Therefore what there is to do next won't either.”

But there are many things that have happened they try to prevent from happening again. Do they not arrest and convict murderers to remove them from society in the hope they will not repeat it, or even kill them so they cannot? And by doing so, though they do the next thing to be done, they do not do it for it doesn't seem good to them, but they also know someone will do it if they figure out how to. And so they are already on damage control at all times. Even their god knows they have been lucky and their future just like their past is iffy at every moment. For experience breeds anxiety and fear is a weak master at best, yet they do not seek to improve it much and everyone watches the news who has experience for a god and their reality gets worse and worse.

They obviously have not seen the Light.

I was conceived of in the United States of America. It is the place my writer calls home. Therefore I should think like an American. But I have lost faith in America. And have come to the conclusion they no longer care for the One whose name I dare not to mention.

“Our predecessors based everything on God whom they had faith in,” the apostates say, “Without God's principles we don't stand a chance.”

But I say, “You wouldn't give God a chance even when your laws were based on his principles. You acted disinterested in a Godless world and stuck your head in the sand like an ostrich under a directive you called Isolationism and the world fell apart before you would even consider joining the fray. You were nothing like the God you claimed. Why would we go back to your god's principles? That one never even made you bold but cowardly.

Then you went back into isolating yourselves from the evils of your peers and Hitler arose and they called on you again. And since that time you have been involved but not under your god's principles which you so religiously worship. But the godless alternative has brought you into the world community helpless to count all your enemies and put you on an unending damage control.

Where will it end? Where damage control always ends, in disaster. But will the world be kind to you when it happens? Or will they protect themselves from being damaged in the same way, turning a cold shoulder to you? Oh, that someone in power in your country only knew the Light and how to access the power of the One whose name I dare not say, make him your God not the god of the apostates. They are useless cowards possessing great wealth but dying with a pile of gold in their main room. Are they not?

All they can do is scream at you that the same things they do in secret you do in public. They are no more help to a man dying of moral thirst than the dry well he curses. They have seen the Light but they are only interested in numbers. There is no power in their ways. Let us try to forget them as the God whose name they profane already has.

But where is the answer? The easiest thing there is to do is criticize fools for being fools as again the TV preachers know so well, all of them, for they are only interested in entertainment and crave even more numbers that they may squander their profits on themselves.

I am like a preacher with a congregation of 0. I have been homeless. I have been crazy. I have been addicted to alcohol and drugs. But the worst thing I ever did was join two different churches for it destroyed my hope. Why would you listen to me?

Even my writer has done the same things I did? And he writes books and gives them away, though he lives on Welfare because of his disability. What does he know? He's no better and not much different than you? Why would you listen to him? He wants to join your world for the first time, but he is uncomfortable with your insanity he is no stranger to. Is he really saner than those who are insane and deny it to their detriment? Would you who are led by the blind turn to another blind man for direction?

Yes you would.

But I say, “Ask the One I dare not even mention the name of. Do you not know Him? Does He answer your prayers? Doesn't He answer your prayers? Why pray to a God you don't even know? A God you have disobeyed and maligned for profit? I think you fear Him to much. Be unselfish. Pray for your enemies without malice if any of you know how? Pray that this blind man cares to pray for you, which I don't now. You disobedient children. You climbed the fence and ran out in the freeway. At least pray your end will be sudden and swift. I would.

I will not pray for you except to ask the One I dare not even mention the name of that you will see the Light and be stripped of your lies and deceit and conceited profiteering and building new buildings and parking lots. I no longer care for the body they have been granted the option to destroy and torture. And if that leaves you in torment, how long is your sentence. You devils and demons, did you really think forgiveness had no end?

Before now you claim to have done what you did in ignorance will you do any better now that you know the Truth. Will you persist in manipulating the Devil or will you turn to the One I dare not even mention the name of. You who pray for misfortune to your church members and you who pray for collisions of drunken family members that you may have a chance to save them, are you not praying for evil? We know who answers your prayers. I need not say it. You are not fools. That one has a little power, why don't you give a try to the One I dare not even mention the name of, the name you profane and call the fruits of your wickedness power.

You have no power over me Jim, and Stan you have no ability to call me back. You both are recordings of thunder and relaxation tapes of the sound of rain on steel rooftops. Ask to see the light. Then stand in the presence of the One I dare not even mention the name of. Go insane with the truth until your wickedness is burned away.

Write a book but not for profit. The way it is you are only deceived like the rest of those who pray to Satan in the name of Christ. Are you not wrong? Repent. Maybe I am wrong and there is still time for forgiveness after the war is over. My writer has frankly given up on you, for you have failed to do the work of saints. Perhaps he is wrong. And God has not altogether forsaken you in your distasteful forms of hate?

Where do you hide now? The world is on the Web, but where are you? Tormented by strange dreams like you remember having when what you were is what you always have been. Hope with all there is in you I am wrong, even yet?”