Chapter 4: The Inspiring One Illustration

“Do you believe in God?” the Inspiring One asked without emotion.

“I don't know,” I said, “I guess not. I want to believe there is someone beyond all this, but I don't really see a reason to. I guess that makes me either an atheist or an agnostic. Take your pick. Do you want me to close my eyes again?

“It doesn't matter,” the Inspiring One said, “But if it helps you see what you are imagining that might be more helpful to you.”

I immediately closed my eyes even though they had reduced the brightness in the room before they left it. I think the nurses did it. But I'm not sure. All I knew was that it was not nearly as bright around me in the physical as when the doctor had been there earlier.

“Can you imagine what God looks like?” the Inspiring One asked.

“No,” I said, “I've heard he is invisible. If that's true how could I imagine that?”

“Well, how about we do a little experiment then,” the Inspiring One said, “Imagine a huge humanoid standing upon a hill that is male. Can you see it?”

I started to chuckle for I had never thought about God being that before.

“Stay with me, Frank,” the Inspiring One said, “Imagine it is dark and gloomy like when a storm is moving in. And there is lightning coming from the dark clouds overhead. Can you see that?”

I tried to concentrate on seeing what he said and found it was not too difficult, so I said, “Yeah.”

"Now imagine that this huge man moves his hand and points at the next lightning bolt at the same time it flashes, not approximately the same time, but the same exact time,”the Inspiring One said.

And I did. It was even a bit more entertaining than I imagined it would be, so I said, “Done.”

The the Inspiring One said, “Now watch him for a while remembering that if it really is God he has enormous power. And pretend to be afraid of that power to some extent.”

“Why?” I asked, “Is that really God?”

“Did he do anything when you said that?”the Inspiring One asked seeming alarmed.

He had to my surprise, for it seemed whoever it was had become angry and looked right at me. And I was tempted to stop when I thought it was only an imaginary illustration. Surely all that could do was spook me a little and I was more afraid of that than of my imagined figure on a hill.

“Any thoughts?” the Inspiring One asked.

“There is no way to tell whether the lightning flashes because he points at the cloud or if he is really good at guessing or even psychic and knows where and when the next flash will be. But I think he's a con-artist, for how can he really be God? You can't just imagine God to suit yourself or even to suit someone else.”

“Is that what you believe?” the Inspiring One said. “If it is just tell him that he is a phoney and see what happens.”

Then I imagined myself as being at the bottom of the hill far enough away I had to shout at him as I shouted, “I don't believe you are God! You are just a real good guesser and you guess when and where the next lightning bolt will be! You are not making it lightning at all!” Then I looked at him and watched his reaction closely for I imagined also it was like some sort of test of my beliefs.

The giant on the hill became concerned and then he became angry and in a voice that boomed like thunder he said something to me that scared me, not because I knew what he said, for I didn't have any idea what he might say and therefore couldn't imagine it. I was right because I was suddenly more afraid than I expected  as to spite myself , thinking there might be more to this illustration than I had bargained for.

Suddenly a figure I couldn't see exactly for it was so dark began interceding for me and exchanged words I didn't understand and eventually got him to calm down by saying, “I take full responsibility for him. He is my charge. I apologize. I didn't think he would take it this far. He won't do it again. Please forgive him on my account!” And it crossed my mind the one interceding on my behalf might have been God's son, for though he was not happy it was clear he was not going to strike me dead or anything as the one who spoke on my behalf said to me, “You don't know what you are doing. Let's just leave. Come on! Coming?” And when I began to retreat with him I could not quite see in the darkness, he spoke to me again, “It'll be alright but we do have to leave and now!” And since I sensed the urgency in his voice I fled for my life.

Then suddenly the illustration was over with and I was greatly relieved, for it was the first time I had let my imagination get away with me quite like that.

“What was that all about?” I asked the Inspiring One but he didn't answer and I felt abandoned. Then I realized just how intense it had been for me when I noticed the sheets on my bed were wet with sweat.

Later I realized what the illustration was about. God is real to me more than just in my mind. I had interacted with emotion and fear because of my daring attempt to mock the one who represented God in my imagination. But I understood that if there is a God and my being seems to have indicated to me at least there is one, and who I was got more wrapped up in the illustration than I ever would have expected. Yet, perhaps more importantly I understood that it makes no difference whether God causing the things he does to occur or not. He seems to make miracles happen and he does it very effectively, so much so my brain and my body react to him as if it were all true that he indeed does such things, even if one just imagines he does not.

In my mind I know it was just a silly illustration, but in my body I was almost completely convinced I was mocking someone of great power who had abilities I could only imagine being his. It was very foolish to even imagine mocking God, whichever the case was.

“Do you understand?” the Inspiring One asked quite some time later.

“I think so,” I said, “God can do things that were purely fictional to me before this illustration. He can create anything he wants to by simply commanding it to be or he knows when a miracle will occur and makes it appear he has that ability. Either way, it is not wise to ignore anyone with that kind of power whether one believes he is a phoney or not, especially since even imagining him in a rather bizarre illustration can effect one's entire being as it did mine and scare one so badly one's own body reacts to it. Also of course the foolishness of believing in God as I apparently did to a minor extent and imagining his power and pitting myself against that power even on an imaginary level is tomfoolery.”

“Does God have the ability to really do the impossible?”the Inspiring One asked pleased at the outcome.

“Everything in me is wired to believe he does,” I replied, “I wonder that had I continued in my foolish reaction unaware my body was reacting to the illustration in accordance with my beliefs, mightn't I have had a heart attack and died?”

The Inspiring One was silent, but I imagined him raising an eyebrow like Star Trek's Spock in reply.

“Some people believe that God is light. Do you?” the Inspiring One asked.

And I did not doubt it with all of my being.

“The light that was, is and always will be,”the Inspiring One concluded the way I had exactly but hadn't realized it yet.

If it is true that God is who he says he is and his effect on us humans is in sync with that, it is best to believe it in my estimation though of course you can buck that wiring and take the chance there may be consequences inherent in your nature, just don't expect harmony with even imagining he is not God or has not set it up that way in your wiring. Clearly if one is built like I am, it has at least the potential to leave one in a hellish state until one manages to desensitize oneself to the things his body, mind, emotions and even his will tell him is so. And it is clearly foolish for one other reason. There has to be benefits to having a good relationship, a better one than I have by the way, with anyone with the ability to cause one to react to them the way my being did even to an imaginary illustration of him that obviously was a rather poor representation of him in the first place.

Thus when Doctor Triing came back in that afternoon she was alarmed to learn I had gotten so involved with my imagination my bedding was wet with my own perspiration alone.

“Were you hallucinating and that is what caused your bedding to get wet?” the doctor finally asked when I told her what had happened to me physically.

“No,” I said, “I was just learning what it is safe for me to imagine. I started out imagining something on purpose and believed it was imaginary all along. That alone may be what kept me alive. I don't know?”

“You must have really believed to some extent you were in extreme danger,” she said, “That is not just imagining something scary in my book! What were you imagining?”

“Just something I've been wondering about God lately,” I said attempting to play it down.

She frowned and appeared either displeased at my progress or worried I would experience a relapse before her demeanor changed and she said, “You are okay now? So just try to stay in the here and now. And leave God out of it, if it upsets you that much. At least until your mind heals a bit more anyway, Frank. So,” she sighed, “Try to enjoy your dinner and I'll see you in the morning. Get a good night's rest. Cooperate with me on this one, Frank. Are you even trying to let the medication work? It will work, Mr. Li, if you give it a chance. Try being a little less dramatic with your pastimes and if you get upset again that's what the button is for.”

Then she said she would see me in the morning again and left only to return a very short time later and said, “Don't play with your mind, Frank. Just let it heal. Okay?”

I thought about telling her about the Inspiring One but had no idea how to go about it, and decided in the end of it to just let it slide.