Chapter 3: Not Going Home

I must have dozed for a while for I remember waking up even though I was not aware enough to remember the light again even though my dream, whatever it was, had been interrupted. All I remember is that I was very distracted by it.

They must have turned more lights on or something because the light in the room was brighter than I recalled it being earlier, for I had to squint when I opened my eyes this time and I remembered I didn't have to do that the last time I had my eyes open. And I was wondering if that was significant or not when I became aware there were two women I suppose were nursing bustling about the room, one even fluffed my pillow for me though I was sitting up by then.

Then Doctor Triing came into the room unnoticed by me at first for it seemed she was just suddenly there talking in very low tones to the nurses as she approached my bed and said, “Good morning, Mr. Li. I trust you slept well. You seem chipper enough!”

“I woke up a couple of times I guess,” I said, “But I feel good. I must have rested okay, I should think.”

“Do you know the difference between what you think and what you see yet, Mr. Li?” she asked and I thought it a very odd question, but she waited inactively for me to answer and I didn't want to lie to her.

“Not yet,” I said, “But I'm working on it.”

“How so?” she asked and I didn't want to answer her with a lengthy explanation of my thoughts because of what the Inspiring One had warned me not to do, so I just shrugged. “Do you remember enough of your thinking to give me an example?”

“I think I remembered the light that has always been there in my mind and the light in the room. But to tell you the truth I still don't think there is a difference between whether I remember that light as being and any different than what I remember the light in the room being when I close my eyes.”

“That's because there is no difference I think, Mr. Li” she said and I immediately saw her point.

But I wondered if the light I learned had always been there, is still there, and always will be there as long as I have a mind to remember it was actually physical light before I remembered it.

“You still seem a little distracted, Mr. Li,” Doctor Triing said, “Would you like to stay a few more days just in case?”

“I think that is up to you, ain't it?” I asked.

“Well,” she said, “I'm no psychiatrist, but you are in great shape physically considering what your body has just been through, and you are not on any kind of psychiatric hold or anything. I'd like to see you stay for a few more days, but it's up to you, Mr. Li. You are free to leave and technically I have no reason to hold you against your will. Do you understand that?”

I nodded, but the thought of going home wasn't something I relished the idea of, not that it was bad. It was just that it was where I had purposely concentrated on allowing my brain to shut down. And apparently it worked or the doctor had lied to me yesterday one. I didn't really feel a need to go home just yet.

Then I said, “If its what you think I should do, I'd rather stay a day or two at least if you can manage it with my insurance and all,” for I was feeling a little apprehensive about being where I had technically died in their world. I don't remember what it was like when my brain stopped working, but I imagined I had at least slipped into a coma, and it was going to be weird to be where I was when the ambulance probably, took me here. But I didn't know that for a fact. It would be weird for a while even if that wasn't the case, I imagined when memory failed me for obvious reasons."

“Okay then, stay it is!” she said, but I was deep into my thoughts as she did and hadn't paid much attention until I realized I had been so distracted I remembered the light again. Then I wondered whether I would always notice I did that even awake in broad day light or even in the strong light around me at the time. But when I was distracted by the physical environment Doctor Triing was talking in hushed tones with the nurses before she left with the a hearty, “We'll see you later in the day, Mr. Li!”

“Good-bye!” I said as she left and I noticed she at least glanced back at me almost as if she hadn't expected me to say what I said.

“You almost gave it away, Frank Li,” the Inspiring One said after she left just before the usual introductions that kept me from answering the Inspiring One back for they kept my mind occupied with other unimportant matters they seemed much more interested in than I cared to be. Then suddenly they, for their were two nurses an LPN and an RN, but whatever the case they were no longer in the room and I sat holding the call button wondering what I should do with it.

“Any questions, Frank?” the Inspiring One asked.

“Yeah,” I verbalized in my mind as taught, “Is the light in my mind's eye that I remembered as physical light too?”

“That brings us to the question of God, you know?” the Inspiring One warned me.

“God?” I asked wondering why.

“Yes,” the Inspiring One admitted and hesitated. “Do I have permission to show you something again?”

“I thought there were more than one!” I said, “In fact it is so confusing I mostly just ignore the topic. But I don't have anything else to do right now, so go ahead show me what you want," I said disgustedly.  "I learned something last time."