Messiah: A Son's Revenge

This is an adaptation of the play Electra that I had to write for an old Literature class...I have expanded it and turned it into a short story that I will give you in two parts.

Messiah: A son’s revenge part 1

The love he had for his mother ran deep, but not as deep as the hatred he held for his father. When he was younger, he had watched his mother cry night after night from the abuse she was put through by his father's hands. He would watched her take beating after beating too scared of his father's rage to do anything.

He couldn't figure out why she stayed with him. He couldn't understand then because he was young, but as he grew into a man he realized the reasons his mother stayed and suffered the black’s eyes...She had nowhere else to go. His father had snatched her from her family and friends. Away from the people who cared about her the most. All she had was him and her son. Each time she thought to leave he would beat her worse than before, then try and apologize with gifts. His father provided her with luxuries that any women would wish for. Even though she suffered she knew she would never have to worry about a place to live or worry about her next meal.

She knew when she married him the man that he was, and like so many women she believed that she could change him with time. But what she forgot was that he was the king of his territory, ruthless, and he ruled the streets with an iron fist...

 

He loved his mother and everyday he would wait for her to come home from work. He'd greet her with hugs and kisses. Holding on to her as long as he could before his father came and broke them apart...

Each time he watched his mother embrace his father anger and jealously shot through his body. The thought that this abuser touched his mother and faked his love for her made him want to wrap his hands around his father throat and watch the life drain out of him.

As he grew into a teen his father started to view him as a threat. He became rebellious, defiant and stronger with each passing day. Often times his father would beat on him for no reason at all. Each beating more intense then the last. The one time he fought back and beat his father into the ground his father released his rage on his mother. Nearly beating her to death...

Finally she decided she couldn't take any more abuse. She knew staying with him would kill her and her son, she packed her bags took her son and left. Making sure to sneak away when his father was out of town on "business". She didn't know where she was going but she knew she had to get away...

She traveled far across the country and for a while she was safe and lived happily with her son. That is until his father started seeing a woman as deceitful as he was. This woman was poison and filled his father head with lies and predictions of how his mother was raising his son to come and take over his land and his power.

So stupid was his father that he listened to this woman and spent the better part of 6 months finding his long lost wife. When he finally found her he watched her house like a hawk. Waiting till nightfall to sneak into the house while he and his mother slept. His father crept into her room He stood over her and after a moment of studying her face he slapped her awake; he wanted to look into her eyes as he chocked the life out of her...

She struggled with him; her arms and legs swinging around wildly as her wide eyes stayed locked on him. But for all her struggles she was helpless against his strength and paranoid rage. He squeezed tighter until he felt her stop moving and her eyes were lifeless. He left her there, the sheets off her body and her dead gaze focused on the ceiling. Quietly his father snuck out the house the same way he came in...

He had seen his father’s shadow under his door. Quickly his panic set in and he didn’t have time to chase his father down. Running he burst into his mother's room only to stop dead in his tracks as he found her body. He rushed to her side, some part of him hoping that she would make it but when he checked for a pulse he knew she was gone. He wrapped her lifeless body in his arms and let out a soul shattering scream that echoed in the silent house. Tears streamed down his face and he closed her eyes. He had lost the only woman he loved to the man he hated...

There he knew what he had to do but he wasn't prepared to take on the King. If he tried now he would surely be killed. His resolve set, he set on his quest and disappeared for a number of years. Perfecting his technique and skill. Preparing for his ultimate battle...

Reviews

[M Garcia]

Layla that was great! Sad, dark, and twisted, but great! I'll definitely be reading the next part.

[Daydreamer54]

Wow...dark,vengeful and entertaining. Women should know by now that you can';t change a man,. What he is is what you get and its up to him to change...I already knew what's goiing to happen in the next part, but I'm going to read it anyway. ^^

[E. Leo Wells]

I wish I could find the words, to say I'm sorry for all the reviews you have received thus far. Reviews/Critiques are designed to tell you two things, impact on the reader and what can I do to improve my writing. Any review that begins with OMG and has less than 23 words should be deleted. We need to talk about structure, construct and word choice. Strong story concept, however when you don't identify your characters by given or nickname, it get confusing real fast who he is from him. I know it is clear in your mind, but I didn't write it. Try not using contractions when writing in the narrative, it is okay in dialog, note okay is preferred in narrative and ok is fine in dialog. You spend to many words to make your point, it tends to add labor to your words, if I have to read five or six words, when you could have said it in one or two words. Note: I would like to know what you are using for a word processor, more have setting that will alert you to many of the little errors you are making. Prime example of to damn many words is the first two sentences of the last paragraph above. You have too many "speed bumps" to say, He was not ready to take on the king and survive. There is a hundred ways to say it better than what I have, the point is to make it clear and concise, speed bumps I noticed, There he knew, (you missed the comma between do and but and If he tried now, he would (speed bump) surely (don't call me surely) be killed. In the following sentence don't use the same word twice in a row, not the use of set, he began his quest, again it is choice of words, and it is that you are in a hurry. Discipline, when you edit your material, go in the bathroom, shut the door, and read aloud your sentences one at a time and listen to the words. The re-read the paragraph as if it were the whole story, listen to the flow, and make sure that is what you want to say, check it for content, meaning do I want the reader to know this now, and is this the way/person that would be credible to get the message from, or not. Remember this is a process, not an event and the key is the reader, not you. If you are writing for you, you sell one book, if you are writing for the reader you are selling lots of books. Quote my agent. Oh by the way, the average sentence is 23 words long, two punctuations and a small squirrel. Hurry back we have much to talk about.
E Wells

[Zachary_James]

O my goodness this is amazing but sad.....