Put The Blame On Me

A Poem by Jr1201

My feelings about events in my life. Very short. If interested in any way I can go more into depth.

Why? I keep asking myself that same question. Why. Life has such a weird way of playing out. I have lost myself this past year. I am a mess I believe unable to be cleaned up. Maybe I should of never opened my mouth... allowed all the screaming to be done in my head as I'm used to. People were drawn to laying their fingers on me. I never really understood it. The first time it happened I was so young. I remember it and all of its details. A memory that would never fade. I try to push it out but I'm stuck. I'm still stuck trying to understand it years after the incident. Incident... what a weird way to speak of it. Who can live with themselves taking the vulnerability of a young girl and abusing that trust. I will never understand that and for that question I will never hold the answer to, I hate this world I stand on. The second time was not all that serious to me. I thought maybe it was just a coincidence. My body was screaming at me. "You're older now. You're able to do something. DO SOMETHING!" I was petrified. How could I have done something? Drunk people do things sober minds wouldn't do. Right? That stupid misconception we tell everyone to make an excuse for such an evil substance. Alcohol is a legal drug that drags the demons out of you. We fail to realize that. The third time hurt me. It left me where I am now. I feel dirty. I feel like damaged goods everyday. I get scared to tell people because I think they will want nothing to do with me. I'm more then just scared of dealing with it on my own. Thinking of it brings me to a place much lower than the depths of hell. My mind is my own hell. I'm trapped and I'm not sure how to escape. "Why did you just sit there." A question asked of me so frequently. I am always told it isn't my fault but that question right there makes me feel as though I AM the one to blame. The two previous times broke me but to an extent. I was worried that if I didn't do something this time I would really crumble. Truth is I'm crumbling regardless. I lose my mind wallowing in my own pity or I take action and lose the ones I love. I was stupid enough to take the second option. I should of shut my mouth. The people I have ever loved don't believe me. "It's your fault." Part of me is yelling so loud. "How could you even say that!?" I stick by those words until it hits my throat. A large ball forms blocking the words from having any ability to escape. The other part of me agrees. They're probably right. Which leads to my silence. I have been blamed for this situation. Mentally I am not right. How do I live when I'm one person trying to keep myself safe. I am dangerous. Only to myself. Self destruction is taking place. As a young woman I am forced to take that all in. Males are the superior. A idea I have to live with while I'm suffocating in thoughts that I am not even dared to express. Mental suicide assisted by society. Some how we are able to live with that.