Felt

A Poem by Jocelyn cortes

Why keep all of your emotions inside and copped up to the point it makes you go insane. It's all about expression

Give me a smile baby if you only knew how that really made me feel. Did you ever stop to consider how I felt about those five a little, itty, bitty words. to consider how I felt when I was walking alone in broad daylight trying to go out of my way to enjoy myself and still feel threatened despite of everything else. those words Crept there way to my unsuspecting brain slipping a path from that slimy icky sticky mouth an older man that just barely glanced at sitting outside of a coffee shop. I felt threatened because of those five little don't worry about it's all in your head words. those words were represented a 1000 red hot needles that picked into my skin summoning a devilish creature that is constantly clawing at the small of my back. Those words to you could be as innocent as an untouched flower resting and withering pieces but to me, it affected me more than I ever let others see. those words toyed with my self-esteem but that isn't the only thing that I have felt.
if you only knew how it felt when the drugs begin to kick in. how it felt when my high was climbing up the burnt down mountain hidden deep within my dusty living space of a cranium. the pink bubbles of diphenhydramine , popping simultaneously to the pounding rhythm of my quivering stone cold heart, but that's just the start. I can feel it enter my bloodstream. racing through my veins with every shaky breath making me want to kick and scream then the torture really begins. but arms feeling like 50 pound weights drag me down, tongue devised out of dry ice attempting to swallow it self hold, I constantly forget my words so I Slither out a screech instead. I watch as monsters and demons climb out of their hiding places hidden deep within my head and chest making it so I can never rest but that isn't the only thing I have felt.
if you only knew how it felt, I really felt when you grab my face with your thin cold drunken hands forcing me to gaze into a place that I despised, that place was your minds eye. you would force me to gaze into those beautiful broken brown eyes. Tears invading my eye sockets, we've gone through this many times before yet I say nothing because I know how it will always start something . Anxiety twisting its way up my spine, hands growing tense and shaky. then you begin slurring your way through my cerebral cortex. Infecting my brain by saying things like you're mine, you will always be mine, listen to mother, mother knows best. No mother doesn't know what's best if she is constantly talking away empty bottles under couch cushions so were children won't see her regrets. mother doesn't know what's best if she slaps her daughter because I was frightened for whatever might come next, mother doesn't know what's best. but I'll still say yes, of course I forgive you the day after; but it's a lie every time. but that isn't the only thing that I have felt.
If you only knew how it felt when you first told me you love me. how it felt when you would hold me unconditionally making me feel wanted and cared for. How it felt when my chest opened up it's locked double doors to you and only you. when I'm with you the skies are that perfect genie blue with those glorious oranges and purples not too far behind you were on my mind. And when I see you I feel myself becoming engulfed with joy and no I swear you were not just my play toy. you're more than that and you know it but still it's probably nice for me to show and really explore it. love is foreign and Raw but still when I look at you that's just what I saw.
These feelings are what I felt from the deepest part of my being there me in my purest forms. Sending chills dancing down my spine making my hands become clammy and sweaty. so take them as you wish but please don't make them into something that they are not, but now I have to ask is how do you feel.

© 2017 Jocelyn cortes

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emmajoy

Dear Lord alive.. what words, experiences, love, hate, desperation, everything a person, big, small and in between could experience. Your words lay silent on the screen and yet scream and shout, whisper, whine.. and reach deep into me. No more to say.. shell-shocked.. numb at your courage - you survive.