The doctor who went into a coma (a full-length humor)

A full-length humor in a clinic.

Part 1

A patient goes to a hospital. At the receptions counter:

Patient: I have a problem; I want to consult the doctor

Help desk: Sure, please pay Rs.1000/- towards consultation fees

Patient: I have a problem, I don’t have Rs.1000/

Help desk: No problem Sir, you can pay by any means, cash, credit or debit card or phone pay

Patient: I have Rs.500/- in cash. I shall pay it now. After consultation, I will pay the balance thru phone pay

Help desk: Sir, you have to pay the entire amount if you want to meet the doctor.

Patient: If I share only 50% of my problems with the doctor now, then Rs.500/- should be no problem!

Help desk: No Sir, no installments business. You may share 50% of your problems today and the balance tomorrow free of cost.

Visitor: If money is so much of a problem for you, then no problem, I will pay now (He then pays the amount)

Help desk: Thank you for solving my problem sir. Just wait in the lounge. You are problem no: 2, sorry patient no: 2. The 1^st patient is with the doctor. Next, it will be your problems. You may wait in the lounge.

Visitor: No problem Madam.

After half an hour the 1^st patient comes out of the doctor’s room.

Helpdesk addressing Problem no 1: Sir, hope you had no problem expressing your health problems and getting problem-free medical consultation!

Problem no 1: Of course, I did not have any problem explaining my problems. The only problem was lack of time. The doctor told me he was facing a lot of problems with many of his patients. At least he is glad that I have told all my problems in one go without posing many problems for the doctor.

Helpdesk: Oh, that is fine Sir. Now my problem is to keep the other problematic patients waiting for a long time. Anyway, that is the part and parcel of my problem.

Then she informs problem no: 2 “Sir, you may go inside”

*****

Visitor: Good evening doctor, how are you?

Doctor: I am fine. How about you?

Visitor: I am also fine.

Doctor: Then why are you consulting me?

Visitor: I have some problems 

Doctor: Tell me your problems 

Patient: I can’t tell those problems

Doctor: I am the doctor. You can always share your problems so that I can try to help you

Patient: I have one major problem 

Doctor: What is that?

Patient: I can’t share my problems with others and that is the problem.

Doctor: No problem. But I am your doctor now. So go ahead, tell your problems

Patient: I can’t tell because that is my problem. I can’t tell you my problems.

Doctor: Ok. Then what else do you want to tell me?

Patient: I will share something that is not a problem for me

Doctor: Any way you have paid the consultation fees; tell me what your non-problematic problems are?

Patient: I always smile at other women but not my wife

Doctor: Oh, it is not a major problem; even I myself do the same. But then it is a delicate problem, you know?

Patient: It is not my problem doctor. It is my wife’s

Doctor: Oh got it! Tell me other non-problematic problems.

Patient: I don’t smile at my neighbors

Doctor: It is ok. There is no hard and fast rule you should smile at your neighbors.

Patient: But I smile at my female neighbors and the male neighbors complain it is a big problem.

Doctor: oh, but that is already implied in your earlier non-problem

Patient: But my neighbors smile at my wife

Doctor: So what, you smile at their wives and they smile at your wife. What is your problem here?

Patient: No doctor, there is no problem

Doctor: Fine, now share anything else if you want to

Patient: I eat only five times a day. My wife scolds me often for that.

Doctor: That is too bad

Patient: Yes doctor, you got it but my wife doesn’t appreciate that.

Doctor: I am with your wife

Patient: But she is at home doctor

Doctor: I meant that I agree with your wife’s scolding you.

Patient: It means you are not prepared to solve my problems

Doctor: I can’t solve all your problems. Right now I don’t know what a problem is and what is not.

Patient: Doctor, please prescribe some good medicine to come out of my problems

Doctor: Without diagnosing properly how can I prescribe medicines?

Patient: Not for me, for my wife

Doctor: Then I need to see her

Patient: But you need to have an appointment to see her

Doctor: Hey, it is the other way round. I neither want to see your wife nor prescribe medicine for her.

Patient: Doctor, you need not.  It is not your problem.

Doctor: Now can see my next problem, I mean my patient?

Patient:  I don’t have any problem. But I am unable to tell my problems, that is my problem doctor. Hope you understand my real problem now.

Doctor: Sure, I understand your problem; you now may go, please.

Patient: Having taken 1000 bucks you have not heard my problems fully, doctor.

Doctor: Ok, I give you one concession. Tomorrow evening you come once again. I will hear your other problems without charging a consultation fee. Hope it should not be a problem for you.

Patient: No problem, is not their doctor. I fully agree to disagree with you, doctor. Hope you agree.

Doctor: I don’t know what to say or do. Ok. Just check out quickly before I get into any problem with my next patient, who is already inside.

Patient: Thank you, doctor.  Tomorrow evening I will come to you for the second consultation. I hope you will solve my problem. (Then he leaves, much to the relief of the doctor)

 

The next patient was standing inside but at the threshold of the door:

“Doctor, I have been undergoing an embarrassing problem for half an hour. I was asked to go inside by your helpdesk and I entered inside without any problem but waited for half an hour because that problematic patient was not leaving you.

 

Doctor: Never mind, at times such odd patients take out a hell of your time, leaving you with more problems without allowing the doctor to solve their own problems. Then, the consultation with the 3rd patient started.

 

 

Part 2

The next day, the first patient went to the doctor’s clinic. The person at the Helpdesk was different from the one who was at the Helpdesk the day before.

Patient: I had my first consultation with the doctor yesterday. He could not hear my problems fully. I have been asked to come for the second consultation today.

Helpdesk: I have no problem. But the problem is the doctor is not available today.

Patient: Why, what is the problem with him?

Helpdesk: Well, yesterday out of the total three problem patients, two patients created a hell of problems for the doctor. The first problematic patient made the doctor’s head reeling by bombarding problems after problems that were not his real problems.

Patient: Oh, sorry, why such problems for such a nice doctor!  How about the second problem patient?

Helpdesk: The second problem patient was such a never-seen problematic person. It seems when the doctor asked him what his problem was, he caught the doctor unaware by asking what the problem with the doctor was.

Patient: Oh, it must have been a real problematic day for the doctor. How did the doctor respond?

Helpdesk: The doctor said “I don’t have just one problem. I carry thousands of problems but I have never heard any of my patients asking me what my problem was.”

Patient: “By the way what is the problem with the doctor, why he has not turned up today?

Helpdesk: After the second problematic patient went out of his cabin, the doctor was feeling very uneasy and sick. After interacting with yet another problematic patient, the doctor literally fainted.

Patient: “Oh, poor chap, landing into a problem while trying to solve others’ problems. What happened then?”

Helpdesk: He was taken to a hospital. Doctors at the hospital diagnosed him with acute “Problimaotiatica disorder”, a rare disease found in one out of one billion people. Though curable, it may take at least a week’s time for total recovery, if there is no other problem or complication. The medicine seems that the word ‘problem’ should never be uttered in his presence. Otherwise, his health would become more problematic.

Patient: Oh, it is quite a serious problem. I have never heard of such a health disorder to date.

Helpdesk: Why the doctors in the other hospital had faced so many problems in diagnosing him and finding out about this new disease. It was only this afternoon, after a marathon Google search and lab research, they concluded about the doctor’s health condition.

Patient: Will it be a problem, if I wait with my problems till the doctor recovers and comes back to the clinic?

Helpdesk: Oh, sorry, I forgot to tell you, before fainting, the doctor moaned feebly to the compounder “Never ever allow the last two patients inside the clinic. I say never and never”.  Sir, now you may leave with your problems, and live with them, till our doctor recovers from his health problems.

Patient: Sure, I will never come to this problematic clinic. After all, this is not the only clinic in this big town to solve my problems. I shall search for a consultation-free and problem-free doctor to discuss my problems. I wish your doctor a speedy recovery from his present problem so as to be fit to listen to others' problems without taking others problems as his problems.

(As the patient was leaving, the security guard rushed to the Helpdesk who became unconscious suddenly)