At The Hands of A Sinner

You were there for the birth of my second child, and to spite me for having a son with another man, you named him Judas Alexander.

9lbs 3oz.

He was a beautiful child and looked remarkably like Dulcey.

He latched to my breast and you watched carefully.

“Oh my god he’s beautiful,” Deenie had come to see him.

He had his blue eyes. Should I call him?

You sat quietly just watching. Almost in amazement. I gave him your last name out of respect to Dulcey.

“He really is beautiful, Hon,” Mom looked at me whole heartedly. I knew she planned to stick around for this one since she’d missed out on all of Dulcey’s life.

You still said nothing.

“Eric, aren’t you excited? A new life?” Mom looked confusedly at you. She didn’t know the situation.

“Mom I’m sure he is,” Deenie covered for you for my sake, “people just have their own way of showing emotions.”

She was right about that. You were a weird one when it came to showing any kind of emotion.

I ignored all of you and just watched my son. Who was falling asleep and haphazardly sucking at my n****e. I would never let you touch him if I had anything to say about it. Which of course I did…

I placed my son into his crib. You’d transformed Dulcey’s room into Judas’ room as a surprise. I smiled and wondered what you’d done with her things. You worked harder and even proposed.

“Can I hold him? Please…” you came to me. I was standing over his crib.

“He’s not yours,” I looked at you coldly.

You didn’t ask again.

I took him with me everywhere. I’d be damned if I were to leave him at home with you. Even though the habit was gone the memories weren’t.

I had written notebooks filled with things that I wanted to say. Ways to let him know about Judas. They were all letters.

But I dare not disturb your life, if you’ve moved on. Knowing Leo he would’ve dropped everything to be with his child.

Or take him away.

I couldn’t decide rather to lie to my son or lie to his father…

“Hey Han,” Deenie called, “How’s the baby?”

“He’s good. Getting big.”

“Mom wanted to know if you were bringing him to Christmas?” she seemed hopeful.

“Maybe, Deenie. He’s still too young to fly,” I wasn’t ready to be irritated by all of the questions.

“Oh come on Hannah he’ll be almost a year by the time Christmas rolls around,” Deenie pleaded.

“I’ll think about it.”

“You mean you’ll consult Eric about it?”

“Eric has no say over what I do with Judas. They may share the same last name but that’s it,” I snapped at her.

“Glad to see you’ve acquired a spine.”

“I’ll be at Christmas Deenie,” I hung up the phone.

I sat at the table and flipped thru bills. We weren’t behind, for a change of pace. I sipped black coffee. I quit breast feeding a week ago. I was slightly bothered by the fact that Judas was asleep in the other room but I had to get use to the fact that it was going to get to the point where he wasn’t going to need me anymore. I had to maintain my composure and not get up and run into his room to sit and watch him.

“Marry me,” you came in on me playing your piano. I was a habit that I’d acquired after Dulcey’s death.

I kept playing.

“Hannah,” you sat down next to me.

“If you want me to sign my son over to you I won’t do it. I can’t and I won’t. I haven’t even told Leo about him.”

“Because you think he’ll take him,” you were being sincere.

“Why the sudden change?” I stopped playing, “Thought it was against your religion to marry a sinner.”

“I let an addiction kill a child, my child,” you were owning up to your faults, about damn time.

“We’ve established that along time ago.”

“So I’ve fucked up Hannah! But you have to know that I’ve always loved you.”

“You’ve always loved yourself Eric! You were addicted to Meth, you use to beat me, you’ve cheated on me, and killed my child! And you expect me to vow before God that I will in sickness and in health, death do us part love that this! When I offered it to you and you denied me!” I pushed him off the piano bench, “I hate this arrangement and I hate that you think I’ll forgive you and forget about everything you’ve ever done to me!”

You pulled me to the floor and pulled me too you. I wanted to cry in your arms but it just wasn’t gonna happen. I was never going to be that vulnerable to you again.

“I’ve been a sorry lover, but you have to trust me that I want this,” you rocked me back and forth.

“I can’t help but wonder what things would have been like if I weren’t so in love with you and the way you abused me,” I sat up.

You had nothing to say.

“Can you honestly see us apart after all of these years?” you seemed lost. Would you be lost without me?

“I will do what is best for my son,” I looked you square in the eye, “and I don’t think making you a permanent fixture in my life would be in my son’s best interest…”

Reviews

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I love Hannah. She is just so awesome. I have nothing to say 'cept I LOVE this chapter. as always. (: