Dirty Blood (Obsessive Fan Part II)

 

I have blood and dirt

Caked in my hair

And all you can do

Is stand in front of me and stare.

 

I had no choice!

I did it for you

This way, between us,

You’ll never have to choose.

 

Smeared across my face,

Speckles of blood

And on my hands and knees,

Clumps of dried mud.

 

There was a battle, a struggle,

A fight to the death.

I held her face down in the mud

Until I knew it was her last breath.

 

I won the fight,

The battle for your heart.

I did it so you and I

Never have to part.

 

Can’t you see?

I did this for us.

Why do you look at me like that?

What’s the big fuss?

 

I did this for your love

Why can’t you understand?

I did it so you

Can forever hold my hand.

 

She was just an obstacle

In the way of our life.

But now she’s gone

And I can be your loving wife.

 

Please don’t look at me

As if I’ve done something wrong.

If it wasn’t for me

She would never be gone.

 

Don’t you dare

Turn your back on me!

I killed for you

So you’d never leave.

 

You have no choice, but to stay –

You are now MY guy.

You know if you try to leave

You are going to die.

 

I am covered

In dirty blood

And I did it all

For your love.

 

You are forever

Indebted to me

And you’ll be mine

For all eternity…

 

Copyright©JosieWentzel02May2007

 

Reviews

[Morgan Ashire]

A few things that jumped out at me, as a quick notation, I'd consider a revision of the seventh stanza, last two lines from, "I did it so you... ...Can be my man." to "I did it so you... ...could clasp MY hand." Or something along that line. Man doesn't seem to rhyme to well with understand. Granted, its an implied rhyme, but an straight one would do the stanza more justice. Another one of these is the eleventh stanza, last two lines. Die is an outright breech to the rhyme scheme. There are two ways to fix this, but one would require a rewrite of that stanza. Either change "Die" or the word its supposed to couple with, "mine." Either way, it stands out too much as a rough spot to just glide over. The last thing I noticed, is just a small thing, but it seems to fit the psychosis of the murdering character that was so wonderfully portrayed up to this point. The twelfth stanza, last line, I think, in interest with keeping a character that just seethes attachment and longing, you may consider rewording it to "I did it all for you, my love." I think it reads easier, flows easier and fits the psychosis better. Just an opinion of course. All in all, good write.

*edit* Much better. It seems to flow much better in my opinion. Good luck in the Blackness in your Veins contest. The fixes definitely work for the piece, although, you should know, theres a blank line between the first and second. Its not much, but hey, I saw it and thought I should bring it to your attention.

[An owl on the moon]

Powerful on so many levels!!! Love turns to jealousy turns to rage turns to isolation of the lover... Love is a an awesome power that can unite and strengthen or divide and destroy... Amazingly insightful piece!!!

Craig

[a Messenger]

Deep, dark, powerful, Troubling.
Very well written. Good rhyme and smooth rythm. I like it.