The Mermaid

A lyrical poem describing what I hope to be a new take on the mythological mermaid. Part of a series called 'Modern Metamorphoses' I'm currently writing.

The Mermaid

 

Behold the light of the moon 

Spilling sweetly on the tranquil sea. 

Come to the rail of the rocking 

Ship, love, and peer gingerly.

Stand in the shadow of the flag,

Keep closely by my side, 

And listen as my rocking voice

Drags you beneath the tide

Dive down, deep down,

From light blue to salt blue to black -

Where darkness invades the lungs

And delicately crushes the back.

Now see the Angler fish tears

That seem with purest white to glow

And grow, one by one, and shine

Like the sun (but gently so) to show

The tremulous shade of the Mermaid

Her coral lips full puck'd to kiss,

Her throat brimm'd with gossamer foam,

She calls other mademoiselles with a dainty

Nod inviting them to swim and roam.

Her soapy, supple skin emits an azure sheen,

Her n*****s are blackened buds.

She scratches off her roughness with rocks

And rounds herself with suds.

The ocean's grass blesses her head 

With green and black of kind,

Which snakes around her face and neck

To tighten and to grind.

The tendrils also lure her friends,

The fish, whom she kindly treats 

With nibbles of her hair and

Rations from the teat.

Her gills were hard earned 

Through labour on the ocean bed

And are not seen upon her neck

But on the body and the head.

They flap open and closed 

As she and the sea breathe one,

Showing the ruby red of blood,

Red as a snapper's tongue.

Ah! But see her frail frame bend

With such grace and décor?

A figure only seen when bones

Are hollow at their core.

Alas! Too long have we spent 

On the top of the frame - 

Now direct your attention to the

Pinnacle of her acclaim.

(See? With a smallish grin she directs to the fin)

The mermaid's tail is oft told wrong,

Indeed it starts below the hips,

But is neither crescent, nor prong

But rounded at the tips.

And long as well, long as a gown

Dancing in the unseen wave, with strips

As in fashion with ladies of class

That twirl upon their ships.

The splayed maid's tail is dyed 

With blue of the sea, where on behind

Is indigo ink, to show the depths,

And round front side (surely you'll find)

Greece's turquoise shallow spring.

Her tail also gleams with stones and gold

(These creatures are vain indeed!),

That she had decorated from ship's hold.

Aye, the ship, that wooden ship

Bedding close to her rest,

Which was laid there under

Cannon weight, by a skull'd crest.

When the mermaid floats more gently

She recalls a time when blood

Was not cold, and before eyes became

Fish eyes under flood.

She danced in the sea air, before

She danced under sea waters.

Her heels clicked on wooden floors,

Sprouting womanhood beside her sisters.

Her skin was sun-baked and dry,

Her palate freshened by wine so tart,

When she noticed a dark flag fluttering

Barring the stars to port.

Like when a storm surges forth,

With thick warm waters dying

The deck after a great struggle,

So was she left there, alone, crying, 

While the gulls gathered round and 

Tore into damp, dainty grains.

He came to her then, glistening. 

Stone knife in His hand, and chains.

He bore her breasts in the sunlight,

And moulted her dress to a tropical tail

And splayed the fin with fetters 

And sent her over the rail.

The sea wrapped around her,

Water spread inside her,

Her tail shimmered about her,

And born from the maiden - the mer.

And so the tale of the mermaid,

Bound to the bottom of the sea,

And a message for young girls:

Any maiden a mer could be.

Author's Note

What did you think of the transition from introduction to description.
How did the poem sound? Is there anywhere where the rhymes felt unnatural?
What was your interpretation and why?
What emotions did you think I expressed well and what did you think I could've expressed better?
Any other comments are welcome :)
Also, the asterisk'd out word is n-i-p-p-l-e-s. Which I think is ridiculous. Why censor that word?

Reviews

[Emma Olsen]

Alright, so I think you've solved a lot of the issues I had previously. I like this a lot better without the rambling at the beginning and still get a feel for the narrator and that a tale's being told. I think the first stanza is doing a better job foreshadowing for me, though there were still a few lines I got caught on:
"Now see the Angler fish tears" I think perhaps breaking the line one word further along or earlier might solve this really easily, but I couldn't tell which 'tear' you meant for this to be at first (whether it was a noun or verb, you know?).
"She calls other mademoiselles with a dainty/ Nod inviting them to swim and roam." Considering the consistency of your line breaks throughout this, I got caught on this. I think you should move 'nod' up to the previous line and then break. In a different poem it might be provocative, but here it breaks the flow a bit.
"(See? With a smallish grin she directs to the fin)" This aside REALLY bothers me, mostly because it introduces this idea that the mermaid's posing for the story when no indication has been given previously and really isn't alluded to again. In general, I'm not sure that the asides are quite working for me yet. You either need more of them that are more dispersed across the work or you should just get rid of them. I'm not sure the necessity of them is being well demonstrated? I understand that they add to the tone of your narrator, but right now I'm not entirely sure that marking them as separate is adding anything to this for me. "(but gently so)" and "(surely you'll find)" both seem like they might as well have commas to denote them. The only one that seems to work with the flow and truly act as an aside is "(These creatures are vain indeed!)" I think, perhaps, personal opinions on the mermaids might work as asides and help to establish the narrator's tone, but I'm really not sure that it's necessary considering the way this is told. We're already in the narrator's voice quite clearly, why bother marking the aside? If you have a reason for this, cool, but demonstrate it more. Right now they seem an unnecessary distraction.

Hmm . . . also, I'd like to suggest some trimming. I think that you have a lot of provocative imagery in here, but I'm thinking the description of the mermaid may be going on too long while the story of her creation seems, almost, too short. Perhaps try to mix the two more? Or at least draw parallels. I get a very clear idea of what she looks like, but what really is interesting me here is why she is what she is. Considering that this is told like a story, I think it may be wise to invest in her creation story a bit more. You have allusions to how she got down there, but the ending seems to pass in a confusing whirlwind. The description seems very planned and deliberate, but I'm not sure that the same deliberation is evident in the story-telling. I keep having to re-read it to try to figure out what's going on, even though I've read it a few times, now. It's just strange in comparison to the way you've told the rest of it, now what I mean? Almost like it's an after thought.

I think, though, this is flowing much better for me without that intro and I'm definitely now getting the hint that I should be looking more into the images for some kind of code. Overall, the flow of the poem is working for me, the only disruptions I had were pointed out above and, really, my only major critique is the length of the story vs. descriptions, since I think this is more evident with the change in length. Keep working at it, it's coming together really well! =)

[Emma Olsen]

"Tonight the sea folk must be sung" - I'm not sure what you meant by this? Maybe 'tonight I must sing about the sea folk?' You've got a few awkwardly worded areas. I'd suggest reading over this after not having looked at it - see what catches and confuses you and revise it. Reading out loud or having someone else read it to you might help you notice. If something sounds awkward to you, it probably sounds awkward to your reader. You switch words around so that it just sounds a bit off, so I'd watch for that. For instance: "Or shall I of the selkies sing" is probably better just as "Or shall I sing of the selkies". Inverting the words isn't really necessary for the tone and it doesn't seem like you have a consistent rhyme, so I don't think you need to make things complicated.

So, you asked about the rhyme in your description - were you going for a consistent rhyme scheme? Because it seems really random and I couldn't find a pattern. This is only a problem in that some parts of the poem, especially in the beginning, seemed as though they were reaching for a structure and so I wasn't sure how to read, in terms of rhythm and all that. It sounds in some areas like you're going for a song, in others an ode, in others a fluid tale. I think some editing with an eye to what exact tone you want and mood you want to evoke would be beneficial. There's just a lot going on, you know? Focus. What is your main message? What do you want me to take away? How do you want to influence me in how I feel about that subject? In the beginning this sounds like a bawdy tale by a drunk at a bar, by the end it seems your aiming for something a bit darker and with more substance - especially considering your ending (though I'm not entirely sure what you mean by that last line.) Some of your word choice in the beginning can hint at something darker, but I think the tone is conflicting with the details so that they don't seem as significant. 'Blackened n*****s' suggests, to me, that she may be dead (or something), but then your tone is so light I'm not sure whether I'm just trying to read that into it or not, especially since your other descriptions seem to suggest some pretty maiden, as mermaids are typically seen. You've got a number of conflicting images that can be re-read as something else (which is wonderful if that's what you're going for), but I'm not sure if you've put them in on purpose or if they're just coincidental. Your asides may not be helping with that. Some of them seem to be misdirecting me.

What folklore of the mermaid are you referencing? (Since mermaids are almost a universal folklore phenomenon . . .) I'm assuming the description of the creation of a mermaid is a kind of metaphor for rape and death that women experienced at the hand of pirates - but I may be reading that wrong. If that's what you're going for, I think I need more foreshadowing and a sense that that's where you're going with it. It seems to come out of nowhere what with the way you've prefaced everything, and typically mermaids are more associate with disasters that occur on the open sea. It's not a bad idea or direction at all, I just think it needs to be built up to more. If I'm reading it wrong, too, that may be something to consider either in editing for clarity or whatever you do with it. This starts out as an ode, seemingly directed at the speaker's lover, so if that's the deviation it seems really dark. I think I want to know more about who the person who keeps being addressed in apostrophe might be, because they're referenced often in the beginning and then just disappear. I'm not sure if they're even necessary, to be honest, but if you're going to bring in a second person I want them to be relevant and not just an attempt at emulating an older style. All elements of your poem should be working toward a greater whole.
As a kind of side-note to that point, I have to say that I'm not sure the first six stanzas are really doing anything for me. Once I got into the actual part about the mermaid I was really impressed by your verbs and imagery, but the beginning dragged on without a real reason and felt like padding more than an integrated part of the work. Since this piece is so long, I really think you'd be better off losing (or at least trimming) the beginning. Once you actually get to describing the mermaid I think you have some very strong descriptive language, but in the beginning there really wasn't that much for me to hold onto.

You seem to also be aiming to tell a story here, so I'd suggest trying to order everything slightly more. Some ambiguity is okay, but make sure it's not all too confusing. You have a lot of time dedicated to the mermaid's appearance, and I think you could be using some of that time to better build up and establish the story your narrator relates later on. Or, at the very least, hints and foreshadowing.

Overall, I actually got excited re-reading this because of some of the ambiguity, so I think that's actually a good thing because you managed to do something so few people on here have been able to - which is both tell a story and have a layer of depth to it. When you write that kind of a poem, though, it's always a balancing act, so just make sure you have your later goal in mind so it doesn't seem as though the poem wanders. Your descriptive language is wonderful, just make sure you consider mood. You have some work to do on this, but I would say this is a powerful start. You clearly know how to write persuasively. Let me know if you want me to look at a rewrite or another piece in the future. Good work and good luck!

By the way, did you fix n*****s? It wasn't asterisked for me.

[Joshua Rawlins]

Thanks very much for the review. I'm glad you enjoyed it. What I was trying to do in the beginning was to set out a sort of introduction, which was meant (at least when I began) to also have implications toward the actual poem, drawing some sort of mutual line between the two. I kind of shied away from the task but I think I'll have another go at it if I can make it better. The rhythm in the first couple of stanzas are meant to be sort of uneven - I was imagining a bard starting the story kind of, or a sailor recanting a tale, but I can understand that if they can't be improved the best idea might to be to have them cut. The ambiguity is something that I worked quite a bit on, I wanted to present the mermaid as a ghastly beauty, whose description - while glamourous - also leaves the reader slightly uncomfortable (i.e. 'tighten and to grind', 'flap open and closed', 'hollow at their core', etc.). You were quite astute to get the image of a drowned person as early as 'blackened n*****s', many of my friends didn't get the image until much later on if at all. What I tried to do was layer two images together, where one interpretation is simply a miraculous metamorphoses given to her by some sort of god and the other a darker story of her death. Some of the imagery might seem counter-intuitive but I tried quite hard to make sure that every image could be interchanged (in the second part) with an image of a corpse, even the first couple of lines. The gossamer foam in the throat could refer to the froth drowned corpses generally have in their throat as a result of struggling for breath. The soapy skin and suds could be a reference to adipose, a process undertaken by drowned bodies where their fat forms a solid soapy layer on the outside of the body and is especially common in women. The only image I can see as counter-intuitive in the second part is the bit about the colour of the gills, due to the fact that snappers (while having a very red sheen) have a fleshy pink coloured tongue like other fish. If you could perhaps point out some areas where you think the imagery acts against itself, that would be very helpful (sometimes a parent needs someone to point out the flaws of his children...). It may be that I was too subtle in my foreshadowing, but I was hoping that that would lead to some of the fun for re-reading it. I'm glad that you've taken the time to point that out to me, but realistically the only thing I'm going to be able to do for the foreshadowing is make it more explicit. I understand what you mean about the tone, although I think the lightness is mainly influenced by the beginning where I make it out to be an ode, but the poem itself is easy to be told in a sort of sing-song way, which is again what I was after. I'm enthralled by those stories that have a darker story when at first glance they appear innocent, similarly I wanted my poem to be deceptively innocent, with two things working against each other pulling to a different interpretation, which is why I think you thought you might be reading too deeply into the poem at parts. If the beginning is cut, you might notice the poem seems a lot darker, but I'm willing to sacrifice a sub-par intro for a heavier tone.
In terms of folklore, I was drawing upon popular imagery as well as the original Greek, which has its roots from, funnily enough, sirens (which I mentioned in the introduction and said I wouldn't sing of them). This interpretation of the mermaids are, as you probably know, that they are of extraordinary beauty, but signify disaster. In a way I suppose this poem was inspired by how much I love tragic and beautiful imagery, my passion for mixing innocence and darkness together (which some people have said they can tell about me from knowing me well enough) and my annoyance at those who view the world through rose tinted blinders.
The order of the way I word the poem I will revise, but I don't want to be too straight a shooter, as I am trying to blend together two images, so must my language also be slightly indirect (see what I did there? ;)). I do understand about the introduction - and I'm sorry for it, this is why I came to the forum though, for an objective review that pulls no punches!
Now that I have addressed your review, I would like to personally thank you once more. I tend to be a little proud about my work, and even as I read your review, while the words rang a note of truth in me, I felt a bit indignant at the criticism as whole. I think a part of me was looking for you to say - and it pains me to say this for how it sounds - that it was perfect. I myself knew that it wasn't, but I was hoping you wouldn't notice ^^, It was my first attempt at a proper poem, although I had been doing a couple of personal poems for birthdays a few years ago, and I can say that I'm honoured that you have such high praise for me, and, far from making me unduly proud (as I was before this review), it has humbled me and further inspired me to pursue perfection in my own work.
I would be overjoyed if you could read and review a couple of my other poems, although I understand your schedule is stacked, and re-review an edited version of this poem. If I could make a request right now, if you could have a look at my newer poem 'Trilogy', which I have at the moment divided into segments, due to what I feel is their potential as stand alone poems. I plan to bring them together once the entire effort is completed, but if you could briefly check out Trilogy Part One when you have some free time (not necessarily to write a review) I would be grateful.
Sorry for the drawn out reply...

[Emma Olsen]

I just want to say, no work is perfect. There is always something to criticize. I do think this was good, but I think saying 'oh, this is wonderful' is just not helpful and doesn't help the author to think about their work critically. Learning to take criticism is a skill, one that I had trouble with myself when I started college and sometimes still have trouble with - but I would rather have somebody tear apart my work, now, than stroke my ego, you know? =P This is good, especially once you get into the core of it, and I really, really, really appreciate the effort you put into the images. To be honest, I've seen very few poems on here that've even attempted double entendre, and this is the kind of poem I get excited to re-read and try to see your foreshadowing.
That being said, you explained some of the images that weren't clicking with me so that now I understand you did have a greater sense of the double meaning that just simply went over my head. I don't know a lot about how bodies decay in the water (other than they become bloated and gross), so the gossamer foam and soapy skin and suds were both images that I wasn't properly associating. I think the issue with them may be that, yes, they can be that interpretation, but your word choice with them is not really indicating that something is a bit off, the way 'blackened' and "Showing the ruby red of blood,/ Red as a snapper’s tongue" both indicated to me that there was something a little off going on (along with the gill placement, which I could see as her getting slashed open or something.) Coral lips also threw me. I think your main issue is tone, as I said. If you want it to be interpreted two ways, you need to use your words to show something is slightly off. The rubbing off of the skin was an odd image for me, for example, but I think it read a bit too innocently. Balancing between innocence and the destruction of it is difficult, but I think some images are managing to do it better than others because they focus on causing discord. You should have some innocent images, but the ones you want to be interpreted should have some greater hints that those are the ones that are off, somehow, so that the reader knows what to look for.

In terms of the foreshadowing, I think resolving some of the issue with tone will make that problem go away. I just wasn't hitting enough discord before I got to the end where it seemed things were clearly screwed up so it seemed like it came out of nowhere. More of that ambiguity should help you, because I do think that this is a poem that I want there to be that ambiguity and I want to go back and re-read and see where you considered the language and images.
And yeah, to be honest, the opening made me tune out a bit. Once I got to the actual descriptions I became invested, but I think it's just deadweight right now. If you want to make it seem like a bard telling a tale you can establish that in one stanza. Six is excessive. From the way it's told I would've likely inferred it was meant to be told by a bard or storyteller. They're just not helping you. I'm going to be brutally honest, if I had started out reading that in a publication, and then looked at the length, I would've probably turned the page - which would be a shame because you have some lovely work going on below it. You might be able to make it work, but you're definitely very wordy, so, as a wordy person myself, you have to learn how to edit so that you only have the most crucial parts. If some part of your work is not adding to the greater whole, it needs to go or be reshaped into something that does. Typically, you need to give people a reason to invest if you're going to give them something long. Just saying from personal experience. The first draft of my book was an absolute nightmare. I ended up cutting out about 15 pages of useless dialogue from the first 40 pages. Anyways, you get it. I'm obviously verbose.

As for other reviews, I would be happy to look over your work. Could you send me an email listing what piece/s you want me to look at? I organize my reviews based on my inbox. I'll try to get to it as soon as I can. Keep at it!