Alone.

A story written with the help of boredem and music.

Alone. A soldier stands alone on an empty battlefield. Surrounded by bodies of the fallen. He can see the carnage around him. As he stares into the cold set eyes of a young soldier whose helmet is dented and torn to pieces. He can feel the fear, the agony and the chaos that the young soldier must have felt, as though he were standing by his side during battle.  The lone soldier turns and the sun glints on his spotless armor and the shield he once held proudly falls to the ground. Battered, bruised and slashed in several places, a familiar face stands out amongst the sea of the slaughtered. Though his once blonde hair is matted with blood and his face is slashed, the solider can still recognize him. His face frozen, eyes closed and mouth wide open in what could only have been his death scream. The soldier falls to his knees, no longer able to support himself and overwhelmed by emotions. Tears flow from his eyes as he screams one word to the heavens: "Brother!" The soldier knows he is too late now for the war has been fought and lost.  The soldier sits and weeps into his hands. He had never wanted any of this. He had never wanted to be a soldier. He had never wanted for his brother to get hurt. But a couple of soldiers in charge of recruiting men for the army came to him one day threatening to harm those closest to him. That meant his brother. So he was forced to join to save his brother. The brothers had always been close. When the soldiers younger brother turned to him and said he would join the army too, he had agreed thinking that this way he would be able to keep him safe and out of trouble. He realized now that it was a mistake.  Looking up from his grief something caught his eye. Getting to his feet the soldier started walking towards his brothers body. He quickly gained speed as he could see his brothers chest rise and fall. The lone soldier got within ten meters of his brother when he saw his eyes open. Overjoyed and relieved, the soldier closed his eyes for a mere second. It only took a second though. The soldiers foot came down on a rock and he lost his footing on the loose turf. Stumbling for a moment he fell to the ground landing on another fallen soldier with a sickening thud. He landed facing his brother and thought that he was winded. Smiling up at his brother, the soldier was shocked to see the look on his face. It was sheer horror. Confused he tried to push himself up but only managed to make to his elbows. Through his armor the hilt of a sword dripping with blood. On impulse he reached down grabbing the cold sword and slowly removed it. He smiled back at his brother as the tip of the blade came free. The smile lasted only a second for as the blood seeped from his open wound his face hardened into his death mask. He fell to the ground for a second time with the sword in hand. This time he did not rise. 

Author's Note

Please ignore the grammar as I am working on it. Please, please, please review. I accept any comments wether you tell me it was a complete failure (which i know it is) or a great succes.

Reviews

[Saki Mai]

First I'll tell you some things I would do to improve the story, and then I'll tell you what I liked about it =)
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There are a couple sentences that I think need commas:
~ "He can feel the fear, the agony and the chaos that the young soldier must have felt as though he were standing by his side during battle." I would put a comma after "felt" since it feels like there's a natural pause there.
~ "Battered, bruised and slashed in several places a familiar face stands out amongst the sea of the slaughtered. " I would put a comma after "places."
~ "When the soldiers younger brother turned to him and said he would join the army too he had agreed thinking that this way he would be able to keep him safe and out of trouble." I would put a comma after "too." (I.e. "...and said he would join the army too, he had agreed...")

In this sentence, the word "the" at the beginning of the sentence needs to be capitalized: "the soldier knows he is too late now for the war has been fought and lost."

In this sentence: "He had never wanted to be a soldier and he definitely hadn't want for his brother to get hurt." First, I think “want” is supposed to be “wanted.” That’s just a small typo that’s easily corrected. Next, I would take out "definitely," and maybe even make it two sentences, adding another "never". (E.g. "He had never wanted to be a soldier. He had never wanted his brother to get hurt.") It makes it stronger. The word "definitely" in the sentence makes it feel more casual and takes away from the power of the sentence.

I would take this sentence out: "He thought he could see something." It's not really necessary and reduces the power of this section of the writing.

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Your story is actually very good. I loved your hook! You really grabbed my attention and kept it. The ending was fabulous as well. It was powerful and moving, and I liked the twist you threw in. There's a lot of emotion in this writing. It's very tangible. The emotion falls at the beginning as the soldier discovers his brother, and then rises with hope as he discovers his brother is alive, and then falls again towards the ending. It was a terrific use of emotion!

I loved the description you used. It's very important that your readers can really see your setting, and I think that you nailed it. I could really picture the terrible scene. Your description really brought me there. It pulled me in. I can feel your passion for the subject, and that makes me as a reader more passionate about the story as well.

There are some places that can be improved, but that's true for even published works. Keep working on revising it! Great work! =D

[Kevin M]

Not bad but next time, don't write everything in one paragraph. It gets confusing

[SlipKnoT]

That was so descriptive, great write :) :)