Six

The rest of the summer went by in a blur. I went to work, got to know Matt some more, and even became good friends with his best friend Josh Rowe. Matt started calling me, and I fell more and more in love with him every day. Raine was there to listen to me, and she soon became part of the mix. She fell for Josh and got quite close to Matt; he was now like a brother to her. Matt asked me out on August 3rd, and of course I said yes. We had our fights, but we worked through them. He was supposed to come down and see me after he was done touring around the 20th of August, but he couldn’t make it. His manager told him that there was too much to do, so the visit got postponed until September. Again, he couldn’t make it. This time it was more or less his doing.

August 27th:
i don't know how to start this email but you have to understand that i hate the fact that i have to send this.
we had a band meeting today and josh brought us up...apparently we got too attached and he thought it was bad for the band.
the fact that if i go over there and have you with me for a while, well i won't be able to leave empty handed and you know that. we (the band) have so much going for us and i can't f**k it all up.
what you and i have, it's so much more than love and it scares me...i don't know what to do.
the point of this email is that i can't go over there next month, not with the video and the upcoming tour.
please, you have to live without me. i can't ask you to throw away the life you've been building for yourself and i can't keep hurting you. i won't ask you to forget me because i know that i'll never forget you, but we can't continue this. it hurts too much.
i just want you to know that i love you so f*****g much, and the feelings i have for you will never go away. i don't regret meeting you and i don't regret hacking josh's msn to talk to you.
the only think i DO regret is putting you through this.
i'm so sorry
a part of me will always be your matty

So the 8th of September, I started my last year of school with a broken heart and a fake smile.

During all this time, I also had a war brewing within me. I got caught in the grip of an eating disorder that only became worse and worse every day. I had lost 25 pounds, but it still wasn’t enough. Raine was worried, and so was Josh, having already been through this.

Matt and I got back together, and for a while everything was alright, but still the eating disorder grew stronger.

 

It was now October, and we were all planning on another visit, but this time one that would actually happen. The band was going to play a show the 13^th, so no matter what I was going to see him.

But things never go the way they plan, do they? It was October 2nd and I had had a bad day. That night, you could say that I snapped. The eating disorder had taken over. Matt was going to find out soon that I wasn’t eating, and I was terrified. I was terrified of him making me eat; I was terrified of him being repulsed by my actions, by me. I was terrified that he wouldn’t feel the same way when he saw what I was doing to myself. The funny thing is, the one thing I wasn’t terrified of was him not finding me skinny enough, because I knew that he loved me, and that scared me. I wasn’t used to having someone care for me the way he did, and so I did what I did best: I pushed him away.

When he went online that night, I told him that I had been planning on breaking up with him. I didn’t want to do it anymore, and I knew that I had to tell him about my eating before we saw each other, so I told him. At first, he was just shocked, and then he went into his caring mode. I told him that I had to get through it alone, and that I didn’t want his help, when in reality it’s what I wanted most. I wanted to hear him tell me that it was going to be okay, that he would stay beside me no matter what, but I didn’t listen to my heart; I didn’t let myself hear it and I didn’t let myself be loved. He freaked out on me and said some pretty bad things that I won’t repeat, and once again, it was over. I thought it was for the best because I knew that I didn’t want him to be there to see me slowly kill myself. Raine was already there, and that killed me enough. Knowing that I was making the people I cared about most worry was pretty bad, but I lived with it. Hurting Matt and making him worry was a whole different story. I couldn’t live with that. After a couple of days, I sent him an email, apologizing for keeping my eating habits from him during our whole relationship and for thinking that I could do it without him. I didn’t get the response that I wanted though.

October 8th, I finally got a reply from him, but all he said was:
look, i'm the one who's sorry. i shouldn't have reacted the way i did. i still think that we should take a break, but i'm still your matt ok? i'll talk to you later

I didn’t really know what to think about that. He was going to be here in a few days, and I was going to have to see him. I spent the next couple of days talking with Raine and trying to stay calm. Key word: trying.

It was Sunday, I had finished eating my thanksgiving dinner, and was sitting in front of the computer creeping Josh’s twitter. I gasped when I saw that they were on their way here right now, and that they would get here the next night. They had forgotten to book their flight, so they were driving. I told Raine the news, and we quickly made plans to have a sleep over that night so we wouldn't need to be freaking out alone. We had a blast, and the next morning I walked home feeling paranoid. Matt was going to be here soon, and I was going to have to confront him somehow.

I got home and wished my mom a happy thanksgiving as I went online and waited. Josh went online latter that afternoon, and we talked for a bit. I asked him if Matt was going to be able to hang out that night and he responded with a: Able, probably. Willing, probably not.

My heart sunk when I realized that he really didn't want to see me. It sunk even lower when Josh told Raine that he couldn't hang out with her because he was `too tired`, when in reality he just wanted to see Bailey, the girl he was touring with. That night, we found out that Josh liked Bailey, and that Matt and Josh wanted us to pretend like nothing ever happened between the four of us.