A Struggle and A Crisis

a personal piece on what is going on with me.

Recently, I've been going through a struggle and a crisis. There are things in my past that I am having a battle with that has come back to the surface of late and it's hard for me to work through this. 

My past.

As I've written previously, in my first ever guest post on We Occupy Jesus, "Mother's Day," I have a little girl. At the time that I wrote that, my daughter was soon to turn 12. She is now soon to turn 13 this year, and I will not be there for that because I gave her up for adoption. 

She was born of rape, of violence, and it was not her fault. 

But I acknowledge that and I readily acknowledge that I am a mother. 

However, what I don't acknowledge or, that often, anyway, is the fact that I was raped and beaten daily. 

The point of this is admitting that I am a survivor and was a victim. But when I was a child, after it was all said and done, I kept myself busy and didn't deal with it, didn't think about it, and no one even talked about it. I was also told that I didn't need to even talk to my counselor about it because I would then be sent away and considered "crazy". So, I buried it down deeply, and removed it from my thoughts. I trained myself to not think about it and to not even think about Madison. 

When I did, I would cut my skin- the blood dripping from my body would feel cleansing. The pain would make me relax and erase the thoughts. Then, just bandage the wound and hide it from others. 

And now my present- and the struggle.

In my present, after I had buried this deeply within me, it came flooding back: The anger at the injustice, at the treatment that I endured, at the hand I was dealt through others' choices- never felt, never understood- it was all never acknowledged. 

The grief that I never acknowledged was finally coming out to the forefront as well. I never grieved over the loss of Madison and not even over what happened. I never dealt with it. I just shoved it down. 

Now, due to some things happening in the present, the Pandora's jar has been shattered. It has been smashed and I am now curled up in a ball, unsure of where to begin with dealing with all of these feelings and these thoughts. I'm unsure of where to put them or how to process them. 

I'm going through a lot of struggles right now, and I feel like I am even losing myself- who I am and what makes me as I am. I feel like I am shattering and falling apart. I feel like I am losing a crucial part of myself.. 

And that part is my faith. 

The Crisis. 

I am having a huge crisis of faith. 

The reason for this is not my education, it's not the research into other religions- 

it's the whole of why?

In the Christian tradition (as I was raised), we were taught that children are under grace and that they get special protection. We're taught that they are shown love and grace. 

With that being said, I wonder in the back of my mind..

Why wasn't I protected? Why didn't God stop it? Why didn't God save me from that and from the medical problems and the subsequent depression, anxiety, and night terrors? Why haven't I been healed? 

And why do others go through this and far worse, that are children...? 

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