Time for changes.

A journal entry

I used practice martial arts, almost obsessively. I would work out 16 hours a week in a dojo, and then I would work out, at minimum, 14 hours a week on my own. I used to read books, like a man eating his last meal, sampling all I could. I used to play piano, cello, sing, and had a deep love and appreciation for music. I wrote constantly, either journal entries, stories, poetry. I was constantly looking to learn, constantly seeking truth, and pushing towards my hopes and dreams.

And, then, my dad died. And this wall went up. It blocked my music, my martial arts, my writing, my reading, my love of learning, my constant seeking, my faith, my hopes, my dreams, and even my passion. I stopped living with his death. I became like the walking dead. And my dad would be so disappointed in me.

My family also influenced how I viewed myself, how I acted, and what I pursued. I always listened to them, rather than going forth with what I knew I could do. My mom was always fond of saying, "If I couldn't do it, or I'm not good at it, what makes you think you are?" And I actually listened to her. I leaned on others, rather than standing on my own. I had it in my head I wasn't good at so much or I couldn't do so much because of her and my grandmother. "We used to be so much like you and then life happened. We realized that the world is a cold, cruel place and you can't do what you are wanting to do because of that." 

My dad always told me I could do what I put my mind to. He always told me to do what made me happy, to be who made me happy. And I believed him, until he died. He was my strength, my rock, and then he was just.. gone. He wasn't there anymore. I cut out a lot of friends, and I cut myself off from so much because, while I remembered his words, he wasn't there. And I had to deal with them alone.

When he died, I became like the dead, although I was still here, I was still living and breathing.

I want to start living again. I don't want to be like this, where I hear these negative connotations, these negative thoughts and I believe them. I want to learn to stand on my own again, but I want to also be able to realize that it's okay to have a support system, that it's okay to have others help you, and to stand with you, that it's okay to need people.

Reviews

[Antoñyo]

For me, this piece is a work of art from the heart...tugged at mine in fact for more reasons than I could type here, outside of knowing how it feels to lose such a father.
I loved your openness and courage, and I know from the strength I see here that you'll be fine.
Wonderful and necessary work of substance.

Thanks for sharing

[Jordan]

I can only simply say thank you.

[Chris]

If I may... Yeah, I know all the fake smiles and platitudes. I think your dad would have understood miss and THEN he would have touched your cheek and said "Get over it hon... I'm still right there with you - inside."

Life isn't fair, never was... but we live it as best and as only we can. Very few EVER choose the actual when to die. For most it IS a rude surprise. We have to deal with the hurt of our feeling of loss and being lost. Having an anchor break free throws us all. It sounds like you've caught your breath and lived through the pause. Welcome back.