Letter 1 to my Big Brother (Stephan)

This is the first letter that I have written to him since his passing. It may feel a bit raw and it may be a bit rough around the edges; I apologize for that.

Letters to my Big Brother (Stephan)

 

Stephan,

            It has been 3 years since you passed on, 3 years since the last time I heard your voice. I miss you each day for so many reasons. I never did get to tell you how much I love you and how you were such a blessing to me in so many ways. You offered me sound advice, you offered me love and support, you put up with my bratty ways, you tried making me into a lady (and those efforts worked in the end, by the way. I am now a bit of a princess in so many ways), you made me laugh, shared tears with me (even over the smallest things that were a bit silly to cry over, you always gave me a shoulder to lean on when I needed you, and you never ever ignored my calls, no matter how late in the night. I only hope I gave this same type of dear, loving friendship to you. I only hope that you knew how much I cherished you, valued you, and loved you. I hope that I showed that in all of our conversations, in all of my actions, and in everything that we said and did.

            I also hope that I touched your life in the way you touched mine. I hope that I was as much of a blessing to you as you were to me. There are some days when it is so horrible that I just want to give up and stay away from people forever. But I always hear your voice in my head, telling me to continue on because I have so much to offer to others. I can’t count how many times you said that to me on the nights I called you, crying, especially after I lost my dad. I admire you, look up to you, and am so proud of you. I am honored to have had you in my life as long as I did, and I am so glad that I was able to call you brother. I know that you taught me so much about myself and about life; how I have learned that is that with each passing year, I always find stuff that you were right about, and it sometimes gives me a chuckle. Other times, it makes me weep because I can’t share that with you.

            I miss you each and every day.  I find myself longing to call you, or getting ready to email you, seeking your advice, to ask how you are, or to just tell you a funny quote so that it may brighten your day. Then I remember. I feel that it is so hard to be strong whenever I lost part of my foundation whenever I lost you. I also feel a bit selfish for feeling that way because, while I lost a very dear friend and someone I call brother, your mom lost a son. You have other friends that feel your loss as acutely as I do. Your sister, your nephew, your other half. So many suffered when you passed on, and I am just realizing how death affects us all, not just one of us. I know that I feel cheated because there are some days I need you, but I am also willing to bet that I am not the only one that feels cheated.  

            I hope that you would be proud of the life I am working to make for myself. There are some bumps, scratches, bruises and other minor wounds, some major crisis, and some people that are missing from this life, but I am trying to find myself again and get back to where I once was because I miss the girl I used to be.

 

Love you, Big Brother. See you one day once again.

 

Your Little Sister,

Jordan

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

Thank you for sharing the letter. Good to remember people lost too soon. I like the story and the positive feel to the letter. It is good to be thankful for the people who were part of our life. Thank you for sharing the amazing letter.
Coyote

[Jordan]

He wouldn't have wanted me to be anything less.