First Dates

Blind Dates

I needed a date. It’s been awhile since the divorce three years ago. I finally decided to give in and let my friends set me up with a blind date. They know that I have very high standards; I’m a lawyer I make six figures, and I cannot deal with bums.

I get to Aya Sofia, this extremely fancy Turkish restaurant in Downtown St. Louis, and I could tell just by how elegant the restaurant he chose. This was going to be great. I showed up a few minutes early just to get myself settled and prepared since it’s been so long.

He shows up and introduces himself as he comes to the table. He was tall, dark, and handsome, wearing a nice black suit with a suede tie. His voice was deep and soft; he had a low cut with a sharp line for a design.  His pearly teeth blinded me as if the gates of heaven were waiting for me. In my head, I’m just thinking, this is exactly what I need.

“Hey beautiful, I hope your name is Elizabeth because you’re the most gorgeous lady in this restaurant.”

“Why, yes it is, and I hope your name is Tyler because you’re the most handsome man here.”

“So what will you be ordering, Ms. Elizabeth?”

“Hmm, I was thinking about getting tabouli; I love exotic food.  What about you?”

“Dang, seems a little expensive here.  They ain’t even for hot wings.”  Well, that was odd.  Hot wings? Really? This is a Turkish restaurant. I’ll just ignore that.

“So what do you do for a living, Tyler?”

“Uh, right now I’m in between jobs, so I decided to just go with my passion.”

“Oh, really?  And what’s that?”

“You know, I’m a rapper.  You can look me up on Soundcloud: T-Thuggin’.”

You have got to be kidding me. I wanted to leave right then and there. I do not have time for this.

“Hello, folks, my name is Guy and I’ll be taking care of you tonight.  Can I start you off with some drinks?”

“Guy?” Tyler laughed. “What kind of name is Guy? You can just call me Bruh, then.”

This was getting more embarrassing by the moment.  The effect his looks had on me was slowly fading away.

“Uh, sorry. I’ll take some Warre’s.”

“Yeah, lemme’ get a 40.”

“Sorry, Bruh, we don’t serve that here.”

“Aight, then lemme get a bottle of what she got. A lil’ something special on the rocks.”

“Right away, sir.”

The waiter looked at me as though I was babysitting a five year old, which it felt like I was. He came back with our drinks and I definitely needed something to loosen up and get the night over.

“Here are your drinks.  Are you folks ready to order?”

“Yes, I’ll take the Tabouli with extra tomatoes.”

“Man, I can’t read this menu.  It’s all in Spanish or whatever.”

“Actually, it’s Turkish.  How about you try the Pita Pizza?”

“Yeah, that’s cool.” The waiter walked away in disbelief. I rubbed my temples trying to calm my nerves.

“Aye, so look, I know you a lawyer and stuff, so I got into some things with my homeboys a couple months ago, and I need someone to get me off.”

“Excuse me, what do you think this is?”

“You a lawyer, ain’t you.  And aye, after you get me off, can you hook me up with my producers, my mixtape is fire, I’m tryna’ tell you.”

“Have you lost your damn mind? I am trying to enjoy my time with someone I thought could have potential and you want to ask for a lawyer to get you off? You can’t even afford me. Now if you want some moral support you shouldn’t be hanging around rapping with uneducated people.”

“Look, lady, you don’t even know the story.  Just get a brother off.”

Our food came and I completely lost appetite. I am going to kill my friends for setting me up for some empisal, I thought to myself.

“Aye, aye, can I get some hot sauce?” he started yelling across the room. I put my head down in embarrassment. Get me the hell out of here.

“So uh, clearly you ain’t gonna get me off, which is cool or whatever, this world is filled with lawyers, but, you tryna come home with me tonight, over there lookin’ all sexy with that attitude?”

He wants to get slapped. I am not playing with this little boy. After three years of being lonely and wanting someone to just be with, this is what I get.

“No, I don’t want to come home with you.” As soon as I took one bite of my food, some lady joins us with a baby on her hip, hair halfway done, drawing all attention to herself with her attire.

“Tyler, so this is what you doin’ while I’m at home taking care of yo kids? Who is this ho this week? What she got that I don’t? When you get home I want you to take all yo stuff out my house, if they ain’t bleached, burnt or broken by me yet, and miss lil’ around the way whoever you are, you can half em, ol broke a*s.”

“Aye, chill out, Renisha.  We ain’t together, baby. I swear.  This is a business meeting.”

“Bye, Tyler, I’m done. You doin’ too much.  That child support gon’ bite you in the a*s.”

She switched her hips back and forth as she left, cursing him out his name after each step. I’m done with this is as well.

“Check, please!” I was more than ready to go. Guy came over to give me a to-go box.

“I hope you two enjoyed your dinner tonight.” The check came out to $68.29.  He ate the small Turkish candy that came with the check, acting like nothing has happened. I rolled my eyes and cleared my throat, waiting for him to pull out his card, and of course ol broke a*s was the correct term for him.

“Aye, you got this right? See the way my bank account is set up…”

This is the last time I let my friends drag me into a blind date.