Guess WHo's Coming To Dinner

“Babe, are you sure this is a good idea? I mean we can just call them on the phone and tell them.”

“No, I’m positive this is the perfect time to tell them. Plus I’ve never met your parents before, if they’re anything like you then they’ll love me and I’ll love them, right?”

Meeting Josh’s parents was exciting for me. I couldn’t wait to see where the man of my dreams came from, I just didn’t know why he was trying to hide them from me.

“Okay, but before we go in just give me a good luck kiss, who knows what’s going to happen.” Ugh he’s such a little kid but so cute, I leaned in for a kiss and the front door popped open in front of my face.

“Oh my sweet Jesus, look at my handsome boy, all grown up and such, c’mon and give your momma some lovin.’” His mother seemed sweet she had a strong southern accent and an attitude to go with it I could tell they’re going to love me. “And here she is! We’ve been waitin’ to see Josh’s sweet double chocolate drop, you so purty hon, welcome to our home.”

“Debra! Is our reese’s pieces butter cup out there I hear.”

“Yeah, she’s here with her mocha skin glistenin’ in the sun.”

Oh hell no, I did not sign up for this, chocolate drop? Reese’s? Breathe Jazz breathe, you do not look good in orange and you’re too pretty for prison.

“Well aren’t you just as cute as a button, my Lord, you look like what’s-her-face, Beyonce’ yeah, I love me some Beyonce’ but too bad I’m just stuck here with Fat Amy.” His dad was a sloppy man, you could tell he was a huge hick, cheap beer in his hand, his shirt was off showing his beer belly and hairy chest, but I was more freaked out when he licked his lips and winked at me when he called me Beyonce’.

“C’mon y’all dinners out on the deck and I don’t want it to get cold now.”

“Are you sure you want to do this, I can tell you’re already getting heated?” Josh whispered to me. “Yeah, whatever, let them keep talking to me crazy, I swear Josh it’ll be just like at home.” We walked out onto the deck and huge face slapping whiff of chitterlings, pig snout and chicken dumplings. These people have lost their minds.

“So Joshua, we haven’t seen ya while how’s our handsome son?”

“Well mom, me and Jazz have recently bought a very nice apartm--”

“Carl, get that raggedy hat off, what man has fishin’ hooks on his hat and hasn’t caught anything in his life?”

“Women I’ve caught plenty, who else is gonna feed your fat a*s, Walmart is 20 miles down the road, you got some gas money? How bout’ you walk that off down there.” Carl flipped her off

“Why yes I do and you can shove it right up your--!!”

“Guys, guys, guys, calm down let’s just eat dinner in peace alright.” I wish Josh would talk to me like that, I guess that’s 25 years of marriage gets you.

“Anyways, what made you switch from the hoosier girls down here to converting to Jungle Fever?” She laughed

“Mom stop being so imma--!!”

*SPIT* “Woman you call this pig snout, I can still hear it saying Debbie, I am your father.” Carl slapped his knee and laughed hysterically, I can admit it was actually funny because she called me Jungle Fever, made me ease down a little bit. Still in all I’m ready to give them the news, I wish they would quit messing around.

“You know what Carl, you keep messing with me and you’ll be hanging up there with your deer head with headlights, keep it up ya hear?” Carl shut his mouth and ate his food in silence, I swear this family is more delusional than I thought.

“So what did ya need to tell us honey? Why the big trip?”

“She better not be pregnant, I’m too darn cute to be a grandpa”

“Shut your mouth, you’re 51 years old and still don’t know how to wipe your a*s.”

Great, just freaking great, not Imma have to cuss these people out if they have anything to judge about me being pregnant. Might as well spill it myself Josh looks like a little punk and can’t stick up for me.

“Well she is pregnant, three months at that, and if y’all have a problem with it, you do not have to worry about seeing us or baby ever again. I thought you guys would be more mature than this and be able to accept who I am now and the mother of my child. Love it, like it, hate it, I don’t care she’s here to stay. Understood?”

Wow, total shock hearing that come from Josh’s mouth, I never thought he would actually grow up and be a man about certain situations, I knew I loved him for some reason. Silence broke out, all you could hear were flies buzzing around and the sound of food digesting. I’m just waiting for their response but really not worried about it, I finally got my man on my side.

“I’m proud of ya son, You’re becomin’ a man. That’s the biggest overall part about being a father. Congratulations you too.”

“Thank you, I’m so excited.” I said so happy to hear those words come from his father. Now just eager to hear what his mother has to say.

“Well butter my butt and call me biscuit I’m going to be a grandma, boy ol’ boy I can’t wait to kiss all over his lil’ caramel skin and give him some good ol’ southern lovin.’”

“Ain’t that right Deb, dress my boy up with John Deere and camouflage and teach him to shoot whiskey and chew tobacco just like his Pa.”

“No, no, no honey, you know Jazz is gonna wanna dress em’ up with all the nick knack patty wacks she can find.”

Josh looked at me like he was annoyed, I’m just glad it’s all over now, Christmas is just in a few months and my mother wants to meet them. I can’t believe I signed up for this. These hillbillies cannot meet my family, a riot will burn out. Hillbillies and Hoods, not a great idea. I guess this is what you get for being in an interracial relationship, Lord forgive me for I have sinned!