2

I remember the first time that I heard his name. Jordan’s. My fiancée, Michael, had told me the story of how they had been best friends for fifteen years and how they had drifted apart because of something Jordan did. From that day on I hated him. With a raw passion. I had vowed to one day get back at him for what he did to Michael, how he made him feel, or the torture he had put him through because of his one simple mistake and his lack of regret for that mistake.

Then things changed. Jordan and Michael made up. I was happy because Michael’s life was not the same without him in it. I even accepted Jordan and tried to be friends with him because that’s was what I should have done. It would have been much easier I realized years later if I had never met the man that was Jordan.

I remember the first day I spoke to him.

“Hi,” he said slowly and carefully, as though if he spoke to me that I was going to bite his head off.

I nodded. “Jordan.”

“We can put the past behind us?”

“Yes,” I hesitated. “But you can’t ever hurt him like that again. He didn’t talk to you for over two years because of what you did. He’s let you back in, don’t let it be a mistake and screw him all over again.”

He grimaced. “I’m not the man you think I am, Sam.”

“Oh no?”

“No. You think you know everything about me because of one mistake I’ve made in my life. You don’t know anything.”

“I know you hurt him more than anyone has ever hurt him in his entire life. He didn’t deserve that.” My words were said very softly because of the severity of them.

He bowed his head. “I know,” he said solemnly. “It was a mistake. One I never plan on repeating again. I’m different Sam. What can I do to get you to believe me?”

At that point I had looked up at Jordan and saw the truth in his sparkling green eyes. The regret. The guilt. Everything that had made him lose his best friend was plainly written all over his face.

“I may not know you,” I admitted. “But I just can’t see him in that kind of pain ever again. Promise me?”

He moved closer to me and sifted his hand through a curl of raven black hair before gently caressing my cheek. “I promise,” he whispered. “Thank you.”

He had kept good on his promise. He hadn’t hurt Michael again. This time I was the one hurting him.

I raised my eyes to him and saw that he was still reeling over my sudden admission. He was slumped over, raking a hair through his hair in frustration and possibly disgust.

He wet his lips but didn’t look at me. “Sam, I don’t even know where to be "“

I cut him off. “Don’t. You were never supposed to know. You wouldn’t still if you hadn’t been eavesdropping. Just forget what you heard and everything will go back to normal.” I was wringing my hands together, twisting them. Trying to keep my body occupied, anything but look at him.

His harsh words brought my eyes back to him. “How the f**k am I supposed to forget what I just heard and do you think that’s really possibly?”

As soon as the question was posed I knew the answer was no. Everything had changed. There was no going back, no erasing my confession to him.

“I’m sorry, Jordan.” In disgust, I wiped angrily at my tears. I got up and began to pace around the room. I would have done anything to get out of that room at that moment. “Don’t make me feel worse. I already feel guilty. This wasn’t supposed to happen. You’re his best friend. The past. It’s repeating itself. Michael and I have this beautiful son together and you have to understand that I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that.” My voice had taken on a pleading tone. “What I feel for you is wrong. I know that. I’m going to ignore it and it will evaporate over time and everything will be the same.”

He grabbed my hand and my eyes went to his strong body. I saw the muscles in his arms bulging. He was lean but compact. His jaw was knotted with tension. He opened his mouth several times before saying. “Can you really forget it?”

I swallowed hard. Jordan’s thumb was moving over my palm in soft, sensuous circles. I doubted he even realized he was doing it. But I felt it in the pit of my stomach. The desire. I dragged several breaths in before pulling my hand free.

“I can and I will.”

“I don’t believe you.”

My eyes snapped to his. “Then I’ll have to prove you wrong.”

A moment later the fight went out of him. “I don’t understand. How did this even happen? You. Him. You’ve been so happy. What changed?”

“I love him. It’s just different now.”

“Why?”

I could tell him the truth or I could lie. Lying would be easier. I opted for the truth instead though. “Because of you. What I feel.”

“Does he know?”

I let out a bitter laugh. “Of course not. Do you think we’d still be engaged or he’d still be talking to you if he knew?”

He didn’t reply.

“Nothing can happen, Sam. I won’t f**k my friendship with him again. It’s not worth it.”

This amounted to in guy talk that he didn’t feel anything I felt. It was a good thing I told myself. Very. But I couldn’t help but feel disappointed.

“I know and I would never act on it. You don’t feel it. I’m the only one that does and it doesn’t matter. We’re friends, Jordan. You’re godfather to Alex. You’re his best friend. You’re going to be best man. We socialize in the same circles. That’s all it will ever be. You’re engaged to her and I’m engaged to him. It’s fine,” I told him with a bright smile. “Perfectly. I didn’t fool him for a second.

“I love her.”

“As I love him.”

“It will go away. Just give me some time away from you, Jordan. That’s what I need.”

He nodded.

“I’m sorry,” I said again.

I made my way by him to move past the door and out of it when my arm casually brushed his. I turned in time to quickly move and look at his face and I saw the flicker. The flame burning in his eyes. It scared, shocked, and thrilled me. I recognized what it was. Lust. He was lying. It may have been the first time I saw that look but certainly not the last.