I yearn to understand

Another daily rant written in the time it took to smoke a cigarette. No edits no rewrites just raw

My dreams are void of light and sound as if the soul has died inside me. I can no longer control the world my mind creates when my body is in it's state of hibernation. My energy no longer recuperates as it would in my past. My thoughts have become dark and the light within dimmer and harder to reach. I no longer feel the same bliss I felt before when in a solitary state. I have never been a person in need of companionship in order to feel content. Yet somehow, after living with a narcissist that was so intelligent and manipulative that I was unable to see into the person and feel the true identity of the spirit within them. They had my soul entrapped and my mind altered to believe they were something they were not. Making my independence disappear from within me without my alarms tripping and sending off flares to warn me of these manipulations.
I look back now that my eyes have been opened and the person I was in love with and gave my all to was just a Jezebel. Once I broke free from the spell, what stood in front was no longer the beautiful woman I had known for 15 years. She was unrecognizable to me. Her physical appearance had changed and her characteristics no longer fraudulent were evil and burned my very soul to witness. I am not religious in any way but as I have aged and learned to accept what I call gifts that I have been given. The visions I have always had became stronger and clearer. They are no longer shadows or clouds but have form some animalistic and some humanoid. Where they once were indistinguishable they are now easily recognizable. They make themselves known and show me their true nature now that I have the courage to look them in the what I call for lack of better understanding their eyes. Even though there is normally nothing there to resemble eyes. The fact that they can tell I recognize them and see them. Some are skittish and try to hide others are proud and stand taller when noticed. Many are dark and maleficent. While some are more transparent and of a colorful hue that radiants from them. They are always around. They are everywhere and long to be seen. I am not able to communicate with them and I am unsure if I want to be able to if I can. I just don't have enough knowledge or understanding of what I am involved in and what I am letting into my thoughts. If they will damage my soul or change my perception. I long to find someone that has the same experiences but how do tell people this without sounding like a insane person. Imagine meeting someone and they ask you, " Hey can you see that dark figure standing there?" And when you turn and look it is a empty corner of a room with nothing but a potted plant. You would think them crazy and write them off as someone to keep your distance from. Who knows though, I might just be crazy. I might just be seeing these things do to tumors growing in my cerebral cortex that will one day be the cause of my life in this body coming to a end. I don't believe that it is that though. I believe that it is real. My entire life I have been an empath. Since I was young I felt I had the ability to not only feel others people emotions around me and experience their pain. I have felt and seen that I could just by touching them take their pain and make it mine. Giving them a moments relief from it. The first time this happened to me I was very young and my grandfather was bed riddened with dementia and he had awoken panicking feeling like he was covered with scorpions and being stung. I grabbed his hand a was there in his dream world with him. His panicking immediately ceased and he looked at me and called me something and told me something that did not make since then. He called me by his uncles name afterwards said Jonathan you have it too. I later learned his uncle was a tribal shaman in the 1800s. My grandfather was born in 1898 and was a very impressive presence in my life. He was actually grooming me to be a grandmaster Mason like him. It was something I truly wanted until I discovered the darker side to his story and life and the things that walking in his foot steps would entail. I then chose my own path and to be honest I have wasted my life and these gifts to this very day. It is now in my twilight I realize I need to seek understanding and I yearn to discover the true path in which I was meant to travel. I just hope it is not to late and I have not poisoned my soul to deeply. I hope my previous escapades have not made my soul irrideemable and crave to find my light and become a healer for this world. To bring my inner light out and make small changes to those around me. I know I cannot do anything to save the world or the country but if I can be a positive light and change one soul for the better then that is a start.