My way of life as I repair

What I feel day to day

Lately I have found it easier to self sabotage with new people in certain situations than to just say I am damaged and not interested in anything. It is easier to be weird and awkward and walk away than it is to look them in the eye and say I am unable to be present in the reality they are present in. My energy is still recovering from being systematically crushed and torn away from years of mental abuse. I find myself only opening up to the people that I can somehow feel without words that they are just as damaged. It is a empathic connection that is unmistakable but rare and when I find it. It typical is just for a moment then we separate and go back to our lives as if neither of us had crossed paths normally, but I am trying something different now. I am trying to retain connections with people that when we converse I feel my energy does not drain but replenishes. These people are 1 in 100 and there is always something that the universe throws at me to make the moment just that, a moment. It is magical when the connection happens and we talk as if we were friends from childhood. Possibly souls intertwined in previous lives because of how strong the connection is immediately. Then somehow it is as if the power of these two energy's in close conjunction together amplify each other and causes a reaction like 2 magnets with the positive charged sides facing. We somehow drift apart without even seeking a means to communicate further. I am once again thrusted back into the world which every interaction starts to drain my essence and reminds me that my battery that contains the energy I give to the world is demished and the people who take energy without even knowing surround me causing me to retreat back into my self defense mechanisms of self sabotage to and retract back Into solitude until I have normalized my emotions and can once again face the world as if it is the place of peace and love that I try to project outwards. I then continue the cycle of showing the ones I come across that even when broken and abused, life is something that should be appreciated, love is something to share with every soul you pass, and any negativity even for those that have done me wrong is a waste of energy that I am already short of. To those I am guilt of this with. I am sorry if I made those moments awkward and it is not who I truly am. It just made exiting the situations simpler than saying I was mentally unprepared to be in that moment. I am working on myself and this is just one more step forward in my healing process acknowledging this.