I want to be crazy

This is just a rant. Every word is true and from the heart written in the moment with no edits

What is it that makes us feel emotional about things and numb to the rest of the world. I don't consider myself an emotional person I am a rational person who uses logic in all situations. I have had my world torn apart in the last 24 hours because of a pet that was not even my choice to get originally but grew on me in the last 2 years. He was killed yesterday and I for the first time in 20 years had been so messed up that I blacked out before it happened and cannot remember even the slightest thing about how I got home or to the couch where I woke up alone and scared 7 hours later. I cannot shake the feeling that this is all my fault and everyone around me is covering up the actual events that lead to my buddy dogs death. I am so torn apart inside and confused at the same time. This is not who I am or how I act. These last few weeks it is like I have been a different person with some fucked up MO. Like someone else has been in my brain driving and I have just been sitting passenger side with my head out the window not seeing or hearing anything going on around me in the real world. I cannot shake it. It is not me driving still and I am unable to fight this entity that is in charge of my actions it feels like. I am just stuck inside my head with cold dark thoughts and someone else us going about living my life only concerned with carnal and immoral actions that I have never persuade before. I have pushed away all the people that have been in my life since I was a child and literally have no friends or family that make a effort to talk to me or return my calls. My daughter and wife are the only shining lights I currently have but sometimes it is like they are a lighthouse in the distance that I can barely see and I am to weak to reach. I am not suicidal in any way in fact just the opposite I am incredibly fearful of death and want to do all I can to be here to see my child grow and see her children. I am sure she will be a much better parent than I was. In fact I am sure she is a much better human being in all the ways that matter than anyone I have ever came across in my time here. She luminates any area she walks in. She took all the s**t and hardships she had in front of her and came out stronger. I was under the assumption I did the same thing with everything I went through in my teens 20s and 30s but now I am in my 40s and I feel everything has caught up to me and the bottle I have been shoving all the hardships and dark moments in has not just opened but exploded and this pandoras box of mine carried more than anyone 1 person should have tried to burden and carry on their own and this scares me even more because of all that I have seen compared to what this beautiful woman that I have had the pleasure of watching grow from babe to woman is not just similar but amplified in some situations at much younger age than what I dealt with. I was at least able to mature to a young adult before my hardships started. She unfortunately was thrusted into them before she was even able to start school. I just hope that she found a better way to cope with them than I have because what I thought was working for me and making me stronger has exploded and shown me weak and riddled with scars that open and bleed on their own sporadically and often. I use to say that all my tribulations that did not kill me made into the man I was. Now I feel like the man I was has just spent all these years lying to himself and was perpetually portraying himself to be what his father thought he should be. It worked out well and still does when I am in control but it seems that the illusion has worked its way up to the surface and breaks through and let's my demons take over more and more now. These demons were always there but I have always been stronger than them and able to keep them at bay. However now it seems that the demons are winning the test of time and my body is becoming to frail to hold them back anymore. I never speak about this to people because I do not know if it is real or just a illusion from a mind riddle with years of drug abuse but. Over the last 3 years I can close my eyes and concentrate and call things out and see forms in the darkness. Some seem benevolent or docile others threatening and dangerous. If there is no light in the room I am in then they have more power than me and are still there when I open my eyes. They make no noise or try to speak but there are some that try and communicate in jesters. I have even started to see writing hidden in strange ways on things and in photos. Sometimes I can make out short 3 or 4 word messages that are cryptic and then sometimes it is legible and holds meaning to me. I don't know if I am going crazy or if I am actually witnessing something that is proof of a beyond or not. All I know is that if it is real I am scared of what happens when whatever is protecting me is no longer able to because the dark ones have always been held back and kept at bane by 3 or 4 of the ones that have color and sometimes humanoid features. I can actually recall a instance last year. I was staying in a hotel in ft myers and the last night when Jen and I went to bed the room was completely blacked out. Jen was sleeping and I felt like I was honestly being strangled and having a heart attack. There was a dark form over me in the bed and the closet siding glass door actually moved and a large gold and blue figure came from it and pushed the dark form away and to the
Corner of the room and towards the ceiling. It stayed there for hours. The gold and blue figure stayed by the bed and did not move until the figure in the corner was gone. The gold and blue figure slowly moved back to the closet and for a split second before it disappeared I can swear with everything inside me it turned to me and its face became semi lucent and I saw my father smiling with his hair curled and disheveled as it always was and he smiled at me but not like when he smiled before this time it was a big real happy smile showing his crooked teeth that he was always so self confident about not showing when he was alive and then he was gone. I sat there and cried for over a hour until the sun came up and when my wife woke up I acted as if none it happened. This gives me hope that if my father is still with me protecting me from the demons I have attracted and have latched on to me for all the bad I have done then I know that without a doubt I will be with my daughter to do this for her until it is no longer needed. I just hope I can protect her without her having to witness the carnage of the entities and keep her safe all while she is unaware of the war at hand so she can live her life in bliss and peace like she truly deserves. My wife jokes and say she sometimes she sees the dark spirits in our home on Patterson. They have gone so far as to actual turn on and off lights in other rooms. One night while we were sleeping in our living room something turned the lights and tv in our bed room. We had no one else in our house and I cannot make 1 logical explanation for the television. All my lights are controlled by Alexa so I cam easily write them off and explain some sort of malfunction with them to put minds at ease but the tv had no explanation because I had literally unplugged it to use the cord some where else. Jen went in there without waking me and turned it all off with no issue but I think back and wonder if they were just trying to set a trap up for me to be in the room alone and what possibly could have come from it. The reason I am talking about all this now to my phone is because after finding out my dog was killed yesterday I closed my eyes and focused hard to try and see if maybe this was not a crazy chemical imbalance in my brain but something real that I was experiencing. My wife was taking a bath and I was laying on the couch eyes shut tight and holding my hands to gather figures up almost like in prayer but my fingers were spread apart and I was only touching them at the tips to form a triangle of some sorts. There is no particular reason for it. I just did it that way. After 20 to 30 minutes of just breathing deeply and focusing on buddy and calling him over and over in my head there was saddening 2 small white bright flashes directly over me and I immediately freaked out and opened my eyes and started crying. After a few minutes and calming down I closed my eyes again and in less then 10 seconds the flash was there but this time it was constantit stayed there for about 15 seconds and then I felt what seemed like buddy giving me 1 lick directly under my nose and on my upper lip just like he has always done and the he was gone. I layed there crying and apologizing for hours until I fell asleep. Now everything I close my eyes I have been getting horrible and realistic dream or visions of what look like moments in the past but not from my eyes. Almost like he is showing me things that I did not know and he saw. Then occasionally there are warm visions where I am looking at myself laying my head on buddy and I am consumed with such warmth and happiness that I have never felt before in those moments that it is almost unbearable to feel. I don't want these visions to be real. I want this to be something I am making up because then the other visions of deceit and lies and outright theft and infidelity are real as well and if so would mean that the only besides my daughter that makes me want to live is living a double life. I do not want to accept that as real but I cannot shake seeing myself through his eyes when I was laying on his stomach and petting his chest right below the neck like he always loved the feelings that rushed through my body. It was the most authentic and embracing moment I have ever felt and it was not threw my eyes. Now I cannot even close them. I do not have to be asleep and things are rushing to me and overwhelming me. I can't be around people because when my eyes shut I am somewhere or wome time else seeing things I have never seen that have to much detail to be figments of my imagination. That last time I shut my eyes I had buddy lying with on the couch at my side his arm draped of mine and head.on my should looking at me. I was not only seeing this clearly but I could feel it. He spoke but not like Lips moving talking just somehow that I heard him and said not to blame myself that he chose it to save me. I was suppose to die from a heart attack and he was given the choice to save me and took it without a thought because of all the love I gave him he had never had before. That he would gladly die to know that love like that did not disappear from the world and since then I have not been able to shut my eyes or even go near The spot on the couch I always laid in. I cannot handle this and I really want to be crazy so that this isn't all some sort of paranormal event that I am stuck in. If I am not crazy though I am unsure what the future holds for me and how I am supposed to move forward with my life knowing what I know and seeing what I see

Author's Note

I am in dire need of feedback

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[Jonathan CuzBubbawicz]

I should mention he was run over by a car nothing sinster